The Heart of the Matter

About a month ago we had our 28 week growth scan with our OB. Ronnie came with me, as usual, and my mom and sister joined us as well since they were in town for my baby shower. I was so happy to have them all there with me and the appointment went well overall. The doctor was measuring each baby and then she decided to do an echocardiogram to closely observe each baby's heart. She was taking quite a while looking at Baby A's heart and I was starting to wonder if there was something going on. She finally told us that it looked like there was a small hole in his heart. She pointed it out on the ultrasound and spoke to us about it very matter-of-factly as if it was something commonplace. I was trying to watch and listen, but inside I was falling apart, wondering if there was something terribly wrong with my sweet baby boy. She wanted a second opinion to either confirm or deny her findings, so she referred us to a pediatric cardiologist. I left the appointment trying to hold myself together. Ronnie had to leave right away to get to work, so we didn't get to debrief about what we had just experienced. I was left alone with my mom and sister who were trying to reassure me that everything was going to be fine. I tried to hold back my tears and face the rest of the weekend, which was to include my baby shower... a joyous event that I had been looking forward to ever since I learned I was pregnant. In hindsight, I am thankful that I had Mom and Holly there with me so that I wouldn't have to drive home alone, worried and fearful with no one to talk to. They were very supportive and talked me through my concerns. When Ronnie got back to work he sent me a simple text that said, "A bruised REED He will not break..." (Isaiah 42:3). You see, we had already decided to name Baby A "Reed," so that Bible verse spoke to the fragility of our situation perfectly. I believe more than ever that God chose this name specifically for this baby and I believe that He has a great plan for Reed's life. At my baby shower, Melissa Hostetler said a special prayer over the babies and specifically over Reed's heart. I know that many people have been praying for his complete healing and I am so thankful for all of the support and words of encouragement we have received since we shared our news.

After a month of anticipation, today we finally had our appointment with the Pediatric Cardiologist. He performed a fetal echocardiogram on Reed and spent an hour looking intricately at all the different parts of his heart. As we wrapped up the appointment, the doctor spent a long time just sitting and talking with us about the heart. He was so thorough in his explanation and I was so thankful that someone was taking the time to explain things to me on my level. He said that after looking at all different angles of the heart, the scan was still a bit inconclusive. Since the babies are getting larger, their ribs are becoming more calcified and are difficult to see through. He got a lot of views of the heart, but some were restricted because of Reed's rib shadows. From what the doctor was able to see, there may be a small Perimembraneous Ventricular Septal Defect (VSD) in Reed's heart, which is basically a hole in the septum that separates the left and right ventricles (the pumping chambers of the heart), and pushes blood into another chamber where it doesn't belong. He won't be able to confirm it until after the babies are born, at which point he will be able to perform an echocardiogram on Reed directly. The doctor explained that this hole isn't usually an issue while in utero because I, as the mother, do a lot of the work for the babies, but Reed will have to take over on his own after he is born, which is when complications can arise. He assured us that if what he saw is indeed a VSD, it is most likely small and could possibly heal itself within the first year of life. It is not likely a large hole that would require medication or surgery, and it would probably just need to be monitored. So while the findings today weren't completely conclusive, I truly feel a peace that passes all understanding. Throughout the pregnancy, Reed has been growing perfectly and his heart rate has always been so strong, so I am confident that he will be just fine. After he is a day or two old, someone will perform an echo. on him while we are still in the hospital to either confirm or deny the VSD findings and decide what action needs to be taken from there. All Ronnie and I can do at this point is continue to pray over our sons and to trust that they are both in God's hands. We were very encouraged after our appointment today and are hoping for a good, healthy report after Reed is born. Thank you again for all of your prayers. While we are not completely in the clear, I am choosing to believe that his heart will be healed. No matter what happens, to God be all the glory.

On a lighter note, a few days ago we had our 32 week growth-scan (yes, I am already 32 weeks along... crazy). Reed is measuring at 4 lbs, 1 oz and Rory (Baby B) is measuring at 3 lbs, 15 oz. If you are able to do the math, that is 8 lbs of baby inside of me, folks. So to all of the strangers who shout at me, "You look like you're ready to pop!", that's because you're right. I look and feel like I'm ready to pop, but I probably still have another month to go. Wow. I honestly cannot imagine getting any larger, but we are hoping for 5 pound babies to avoid a stay in the NICU, so I guess I still have some growing to do. As I get more and more uncomfortable, I am trying desperately to enjoy this last month of my pregnancy, realizing that it will all be over soon and I will be holding my miracle babies in my arms in no time. I can hardly wait to meet my sons :) And Ronnie... he has such the heart of a servant, waiting on me hand and foot so that I can relax and rest as much as possible. Have I mentioned how amazing he is and how thankful I am to be married to this man? I love him so much as my husband and know that seeing him as a father is just going to take this love-thing to an entirely new level. I am definitely a blessed woman.

-Heather

Celebrations

The last couple of weeks have been wonderful and overwhelming, filled with events that we have been anticipating for months. On Saturday, August 3rd, my dear friends from church threw me a Baby Shower. I can honestly say it was the most beautiful and special shower I have ever attended, and how wonderful that it was my own! My small group friends, Carrie, Lora, Jennifer and Michele truly went above and beyond to ensure that my shower was special and meaningful for me. From the moment I walked in the door, I was hit with a flood of emotions. I have planned and attended so many baby showers in the past, always wondering if I would ever get to have one of my very own, something many women struggling with Infertility can relate to. So when I walked into that house and saw everything decorated to celebrate me and my miracle babies, I almost couldn't believe it was real. Thankfully, my mom and sister, Holly, were able to come out for the shower, and they were just as amazed as I was at how special the event was. The theme was "Little Peanuts," with elephant and peanut accents. My pastor's wife, Melissa, also played a big role in the day, making my beautiful cake and cupcakes and saying a special prayer over the babies. My friend, Cristina, also made a fun dessert and took video of the shower. My growth group friends created a Giada-inspired lunch, which was simply delicious. We had a fun photo booth, arranged by my photographer friend, Cheri, a onesie-making station, baby block decorating and people wrote notes of encouragement. I couldn't believe how many people made it a priority to be at my shower; I wasn't only overwhelmed with gifts (which took me about an hour to open!), but I was amazed at the turnout. I am truly blessed with amazing friends and a wonderful church family. I am so humbled and thankful to all of the ladies who created this celebration for me and my sons, and also thankful for the presence of my mom and sister. It was truly one of the best days of my life. Below are some pictures capturing the joy of the day...

It was wonderful to get to experience the shower with my mom and sister. We had some great family-togetherness time while they were here, going to coffee, folding baby clothes and having special heart-to-heart conversations. Holly also had her husband and children with her, so we turned it into a mini-family vacation. We had fun going to the pool, watching movies and spending a day at Schlitterbahn. It was so great to spend some time with my cute little nephews. Here are some family pictures of the Cleggs... Justin, Holly, Forrest (5) and Hunter (2). 

After some wonderful and much-needed family time, Mom and the Cleggs left town and Ronnie and I prepared for the next set of family to arrive. To celebrate Ronnie's Graduation from his Army-Baylor Physical Therapy Graduate School Program, the Lamberts (Ben, Kelly, Emmaline, Claira, Josiah) and the Millers (Ron, Bertie, Elise) came to visit. What a fun week of family time. We were at the pool almost every day, celebrated Ronnie's accomplishments and got to spend some long-overdue quality time together. We also got to meet our little nephew, Josiah, for the first time. On Thursday, August 15, Ronnie completed 2.5 years of hard work and finally graduated as a Doctor of Physical Therapy. It was a challenging journey along the way, but one that we are both very thankful for. It was a blessing for Ronnie to be accepted into this program and we met some amazing friends that were also a part of this program. It was hard to say good-bye to all of them after graduation, but we know all of their hard work paid off and they are all moving onto their new adventures.  I am so proud of Ronnie for his accomplishments and dedication to his work and so thankful to be his wife. Here are some pictures from his graduation ceremony...

Now that everyone has left town, we are preparing for yet another big adventure. Our twin boys could be arriving any time now, but hopefully not for another month or so. As of this week, I am 31 weeks pregnant and looking every bit of it. I have been dealing with quite a bit of swelling in my feet, legs, hands and even face. One of the latest challenges I am facing is carpal tunnel syndrome in both wrists. I am wearing a brace on my right wrist all day and night, and am being fitted for a brace for the left wrist as well. I am a bit discouraged because I have so many thank-you notes to write from my baby shower, but I literally can hardly hold a pen in my hand. We also just purchased a recliner for me to sleep in because my heartburn and the swelling in my feet are both so intense. I am putting myself on modified bedrest during the day because I have been so swollen, uncomfortable and just plain exhausted. There are so many challenges with pregnancy that I never even knew existed, but I am trying to keep high spirits and realize that the end of the pain and discomfort is near. I am trying to keep a positive perspective, knowing that this is only for a season. Also, pregnancy is something I desired for so long, I don't want to complain or wish it all away, especially knowing it may be over soon and I may never experience this amazement again. So I am trying to focus on the things about this third trimester that bring me joy. The babies are getting bigger and bigger, so when they move around inside of my womb, it truly takes my breath away (not just because of the accompanied Braxton Hicks contractions :). It is truly amazing to see my belly ripple as my sons move around inside of me. I know that is something I will miss after this pregnancy is over, so I want to cherish it as much as I can, and hopefully capture it on video one of these days. I love the bonding that this experience has brought to Ronnie and I. To see him marvel at my every-growing body makes me so thankful I have him as my partner. As he prepares to head back to work tomorrow, I want to cherish my time with him as much as I can, knowing that soon we will go from a family of 2 to a family of 4. Wow. Now I'm going to go enjoy the last vacation day with my husband before we head into our new normal. I will update you all again soon, letting you know about dr. appointments and baby growth stats. Until then...

-Heather

My Verse

Recently, a friend from church has been encouraging me to spend some time in the Word, asking God to reveal a verse to me that I can claim as my own during these final few months of pregnancy as I combat my fears and prepare to deliver the twins. She suggested that I begin reading the Psalms, which all have such great proclamations and messages, so that's where I started. For a while I hadn't seen any verses that were sticking out to me, at least not any that I felt directly related to this process in my life. However, this morning as I was having my quiet time, a passage of scripture really touched me and I knew that I had found "my verse." It's a verse that takes the focus of me and puts it back on the Lord. I would love to share it with all of you in hopes that someone may need to hear this today:

 "Yet I still belong to You; You hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny. Whom have I in heaven but You? I desire You more than anything on earth. My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; He is mine forever... But as for me, how good it is to be near God! I have made the Sovereign LORD my shelter, and I will tell everyone about the wonderful things You do." -Psalm 73: 23-26, 28.

My plan is to memorize this verse and hold it close to my heart, hoping that I can also pray these words as I go through the process of labor and delivery. Thank you all for the many prayers you have prayed over me, Ronnie and our baby boys. May you all feel the presence of the Holy Spirit with you today.

-Heather

Worshiping in the Harvest

While Ronnie and I were stationed at Holloman Air Force Base in New Mexico, we had the privilege of attending First Assembly Worship Center in Alamogordo. We loved being a part of that church family and made some great relationships. Ronnie and I began "trying" to have a baby while we were there, but left 3 years later in the midst of our journey through Infertility. Many people from the church supported us and prayed for us during our painful struggle and it felt disheartening to have to leave without having received healing from the Lord. However, I received some encouraging words from Kathy, our Pastor's wife, that I have held onto firmly. She told me that she had a vision of me, leading worship and singing up on stage, pregnant. She went on to say that I was going to be a witness to others of God's miracle in my life. When people saw me, they would be encouraged and reminded that we serve a God that still performs miracles. Her vision was then confirmed by Melissa, my current Pastor's wife, who had been praying that same prayer for me since she learned of my Infertility. During my 5 and a half years of barrenness, I continued to lead worship with our former and current church's worship teams, choosing to Praise God in my desert place. But I still prayed for healing and trusted that God had given that vision to both of my Pastors' wives for a reason. So, when Ronnie and I finally became pregnant 5 and half months ago, I couldn't wait for the day when I was finally "showing" enough to stand up on stage, worship my Lord, and visually proclaim the miracle he had done in my life. My sweet and talented friend, Cheri, captured this image of me a couple of Sundays ago during one of our worship services. I believe this is the vision I have been holding onto for all of these years...

"I will praise you, O Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all your wonders. I will be glad and rejoice in you; I will sing praise to your name, O Most High."  -Psalm 9:1-2

-Heather

It's a BOYS!

I am so excited to be having 2 little boys... my sons:) I am so incredibly happy, I can hardly contain myself. When Ronnie and I were in the ultrasound room, patiently waiting for the tech. to confirm their manhood, it was a feeling of anticipation I've only ever felt when I was waiting to get my pregnancy results from my fertility doctor. But once she confirmed that they were indeed boys, we laughed, cried, kissed and soaked in that moment as much as we could. We left that appointment on cloud nine, staring at their little sonogram pictures, wondering what life would bring us with 2 little sons. I know I keep saying this, but I cannot reiterate enough how thankful I am to be experiencing all of this with Ronnie. He has really been so amazing and supportive and I praise God every day that I get to not only share this life with him, but now have children with him. Wow. God, you are just so good.

Ronnie and I have had fun discussing names, personalities and possible futuristic scenarios that will involve our boys. We have been calling them Alpha and Bravo up until now, which may continue, but now we are able to think of them with possibly names, which is beginning to make this situation that much more "real." Right now we think that their names are going to be Reed and Rory, but I know we have a few months to finalize it. Before we found out their genders, Ronnie had insisted that when we move to Alaska, the babies' nicknames would be "Grizz" and "Moose"no matter what, so praise the Lord that they are boys, otherwise our little girls may grow up with an identity complex... Ronnie also enjoys changing their nicknames from time to time, depending on the day or scenario. My new nickname has recently become "Belly." He has been rubbing and kissing my belly and talking to the boys. That alone brings my heart so much joy; it's enough to make me tear up every time.

I know that the average married couple is pretty excited to be expecting, but I believe couples with a history of Infertility or miscarriage have a joy and excitement about their pregnancies that is hard to compare with anything else. Many of us believe that we will never get to experience a pregnancy, so if and when we do, we are witnessing a true miracle taking place in our own lives. I think often of my friends who are still in their season of "waiting"... friends who so desperately want to experience the joy of pregnancy, childbirth and having biological children. My heart continues to ache for them and I pray that God would heal all of them and bring them the desires of their hearts. However, I know that just as in our situation, God is doing a work bigger than we can possibly imagine, even if that means withholding something from us for an appointed time, all for a greater purpose. To those friends, if you are reading this, please know that I have not forgotten you, and the Lord has not forsaken you. We continue to grieve with you and pray for you as you patiently wait for your miracle...

Because this pregnancy has been a miracle in itself, and because we are having Twins, which seems to make everyone extra-excited, we wanted to celebrate by having a Gender Reveal Party. We invited all of our friends and church family in the local area over to our home to share the good news in person. Our decorations were all pink and blue (to keep everyone guessing:) and we had a tally sheet where people wrote down their predictions, whether it be 2 boys, 2 girls or 1 of each. Most people guessed it would be one boy and one girl, which is what almost every friend and family member seemed to think as well. People hung out, talked and mingled for a while. Then we took everyone out into the back yard and we shared the news by releasing 2 sets of blue balloons, for both babies A & B. There was a lot of cheering, clapping and congratulations, and we are so happy to have shared that moment with the very people who have been supporting us and praying us through the most difficult season of our married life. I am so thankful for these people and could not have been happier to celebrate with them. Below, are some pictures to share especially for those of you who read our blog but are not on Facebook, where these pictures have already been revealed. So here they are... enjoy!

The running joke in our family is that we can only produce boys. Between my sister and all of our cousins (who are mainly women), they have brought 12 little boys into our family, and only 1 girl. So our entire extended family was certain that one of my babies would be the saving grace and and that we would add at least one more girl to the family. But as chance (or God) would have it, it was decided that we needed 2 more little boys to add to the brood. This brought shock and laughter, but also great joy, to our family members when we personally called them to deliver the great news. Regardless of whether they are boys or girls, we know that these babies are a blessing and a miracle, and our family could not be more thankful for them.

As I close, I want to refer to a song that I sang many times in my season of waiting, or my "desert place," as I chose to call it. The song is called "Desert Song" by Hillsong United and it was incredibly close to my heart as I struggled with being in a very lonely, deserted place while enduring the battle of Infertility. The bridge says, "All of my life, in every season, you are still God, I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship." I held onto that verse as I tried to commit my life to serving God, choosing to sing and worship Him, even when it felt too painful. At times I honestly felt that I would never get to the place in life that the final verse speaks about when it says, "This is my prayer in the harvest, where favor and providence flow. I know I'm filled to be emptied again; this seed I've received I will sow." I believe that I'm finally out of my desert place and experiencing a time of harvest. I know it will not last forever, and life will continue to throw many things our way in the future. But we serve a God who is always good, and for now I just want to praise Him for his favor and for his abundant blessings in this season of our lives. Lord, thank you so much for our sons.

"The Lord will indeed give what is good, and our land will yield its harvest."
                                                                                                  -Psalm 85:12

-Heather

Sadness & Joy

Today was definitely a mixture of emotions. This morning I got a phone call from the CASA worker who oversaw our case when we were foster parenting J and B. The CASA worker is truly a wonderful person and I cannot imagine going through our fostering experience without her. She was always there for us, but more importantly, she was always there for the children and advocated on their behalf as much as possible. Unfortunately we were both displeased at how the case ended, and neither of us have quite recovered since. I had called her last week to inform her that I had some of J's educational paperwork that I felt needed to be passed on to his new case worker. The CASA worker was calling me back to confirm that she finally got a hold of the new case worker (the 5th one assigned to this case over the past few years...) and gave me her contact information so that I could pass the paperwork along. We got to chatting about the children and while she didn't necessarily have an update for me, we both spoke about how difficult it has been trying to get past the situation. While we do have good memories of the children, they are also laced with a lot of bad memories, especially when we imagine what their lives possibly look like now. As we ended our conversation, we both agreed that while we are both officially "off the case" and are no longer allowed to know anything about the children, we would both commit to continually pray for J and B. After all, that is all we can do at this point, and I am certain that they need our prayers now more than ever.

After that phone call, a wave of sadness came over me. I began thinking about how much I missed them both and how my heart ached over losing them to the injustice of this system. Every time I see a picture of their sweet little faces, or hear a song that one of them used to sing and dance to, or every time I find another article of clothing or special toy that belonged to them, a sense of loss takes over. Sometimes I am able to find the joy behind the memories, but many times I just feel sadness. I believe that while time will continue to heal the pain, I know that I will love them and miss them forever. Lord, please continue to heal and protect those precious little souls.

I was trying to keep my sad thoughts at bay all morning and afternoon. I met a friend for lunch, ran some errands and got a haircut. I tried to go about normal life while wondering what J and B were doing at every moment. Then I remembered that a very dear friend of mine, Lora, was at a nearby hospital where she had just given birth to her first baby the night before. Ronnie and I had previously discussed going to visit them tonight, but I had forgotten all about it. All of the sudden, excitement and anticipation came over me, taking the place of the grief I had been experiencing all day. I couldn't wait to visit this new little family of 3. I called a friend to ensure that Lora was ready for visitors and made a plan with Ronnie to visit them after dinner.

This evening we traveled to the hospital with a box of Krispy Kreme donuts in hand and we got to visit baby Jake for the very first time. He was absolutely perfect. He was sleeping soundly and peacefully, and I found myself in awe at his beauty and innocence. This was the first time I have held a newborn baby since becoming pregnant, and it was definitely a different experience. It wasn't filled with the bittersweet emotions that it has been for many years passed. It was filled with a new sense of hope and wonder. I felt joy flood over me and I imagined what it would be like when I finally held my 2 newborn babies for the first time. As I passed the baby over to Ronnie, I could see the same expression on his face. I knew we were experiencing the same emotions and it was a very special moment. I am so thrilled for Lora and her husband Jonathan, and I continue to be amazed at the beautiful miracle of life. God, to you be all the glory for the great things you have done.

I began my day filled with sadness and loss, and now I am ending my day with joy and hope. It's amazing how we are able to experience such a wide range of emotions in only one day's time. I anticipate many more highs and lows throughout this pregnancy. But for now I feel at peace, and I am going to bed reveling in the recent memory of holding a brand-new precious life in my arms:)

One Trimester Down

On Tuesday I had the divine opportunity to see my two beautiful babies:) I am officially 13 weeks pregnant and, therefore, had my 13 week ultrasound. I got to spend an hour laying down, looking at a screen, watching 2 new lives taking their form. I cannot even begin to express the amazement (and relief) I experienced at that moment, watching my babies moving around inside my womb. I just wanted to cry out, "How Great is our God!" He has performed the most precious miracle in my life and I don't even know how to wrap my mind around the enormity of this blessing. This is something I honestly thought I would never get to experience. I praise God for giving me so much more than I could ever hope to deserve.

As far as I could tell, both babies seem to be growing normally and are on target. Bravo (Baby B) was such a champ. He/she was posing perfectly for the camera, allowing the ultrasound tech to measure everything they needed to, and has a heartbeat of 156 bpm. We got so many wonderful pictures of Bravo; his/her little profile is the sweetest thing I have ever seen:) Alpha (Baby A) was not as cooperative. He/she would not turn toward the camera during the entire hour-long ultrasound. Finally the doctor came in, wiggled my belly around a little bit, and got Alpha to turn around just enough to get a semi-clear picture of his/her face. I wanted to post some of the pictures we received so we can all share in this joy and miracle of life together.

Baby Bravo

Baby Alpha

I already love my children more than words can express. I am amazed at how God chooses to bring life into the world... through a mother's womb. I am so thankful that I get to carry these 2 precious babies and cannot wait to watch them grow and thrive. Thank you, Lord, for choosing me to be their mother.

-Heather