The Heart of the Matter

About a month ago we had our 28 week growth scan with our OB. Ronnie came with me, as usual, and my mom and sister joined us as well since they were in town for my baby shower. I was so happy to have them all there with me and the appointment went well overall. The doctor was measuring each baby and then she decided to do an echocardiogram to closely observe each baby's heart. She was taking quite a while looking at Baby A's heart and I was starting to wonder if there was something going on. She finally told us that it looked like there was a small hole in his heart. She pointed it out on the ultrasound and spoke to us about it very matter-of-factly as if it was something commonplace. I was trying to watch and listen, but inside I was falling apart, wondering if there was something terribly wrong with my sweet baby boy. She wanted a second opinion to either confirm or deny her findings, so she referred us to a pediatric cardiologist. I left the appointment trying to hold myself together. Ronnie had to leave right away to get to work, so we didn't get to debrief about what we had just experienced. I was left alone with my mom and sister who were trying to reassure me that everything was going to be fine. I tried to hold back my tears and face the rest of the weekend, which was to include my baby shower... a joyous event that I had been looking forward to ever since I learned I was pregnant. In hindsight, I am thankful that I had Mom and Holly there with me so that I wouldn't have to drive home alone, worried and fearful with no one to talk to. They were very supportive and talked me through my concerns. When Ronnie got back to work he sent me a simple text that said, "A bruised REED He will not break..." (Isaiah 42:3). You see, we had already decided to name Baby A "Reed," so that Bible verse spoke to the fragility of our situation perfectly. I believe more than ever that God chose this name specifically for this baby and I believe that He has a great plan for Reed's life. At my baby shower, Melissa Hostetler said a special prayer over the babies and specifically over Reed's heart. I know that many people have been praying for his complete healing and I am so thankful for all of the support and words of encouragement we have received since we shared our news.

After a month of anticipation, today we finally had our appointment with the Pediatric Cardiologist. He performed a fetal echocardiogram on Reed and spent an hour looking intricately at all the different parts of his heart. As we wrapped up the appointment, the doctor spent a long time just sitting and talking with us about the heart. He was so thorough in his explanation and I was so thankful that someone was taking the time to explain things to me on my level. He said that after looking at all different angles of the heart, the scan was still a bit inconclusive. Since the babies are getting larger, their ribs are becoming more calcified and are difficult to see through. He got a lot of views of the heart, but some were restricted because of Reed's rib shadows. From what the doctor was able to see, there may be a small Perimembraneous Ventricular Septal Defect (VSD) in Reed's heart, which is basically a hole in the septum that separates the left and right ventricles (the pumping chambers of the heart), and pushes blood into another chamber where it doesn't belong. He won't be able to confirm it until after the babies are born, at which point he will be able to perform an echocardiogram on Reed directly. The doctor explained that this hole isn't usually an issue while in utero because I, as the mother, do a lot of the work for the babies, but Reed will have to take over on his own after he is born, which is when complications can arise. He assured us that if what he saw is indeed a VSD, it is most likely small and could possibly heal itself within the first year of life. It is not likely a large hole that would require medication or surgery, and it would probably just need to be monitored. So while the findings today weren't completely conclusive, I truly feel a peace that passes all understanding. Throughout the pregnancy, Reed has been growing perfectly and his heart rate has always been so strong, so I am confident that he will be just fine. After he is a day or two old, someone will perform an echo. on him while we are still in the hospital to either confirm or deny the VSD findings and decide what action needs to be taken from there. All Ronnie and I can do at this point is continue to pray over our sons and to trust that they are both in God's hands. We were very encouraged after our appointment today and are hoping for a good, healthy report after Reed is born. Thank you again for all of your prayers. While we are not completely in the clear, I am choosing to believe that his heart will be healed. No matter what happens, to God be all the glory.

On a lighter note, a few days ago we had our 32 week growth-scan (yes, I am already 32 weeks along... crazy). Reed is measuring at 4 lbs, 1 oz and Rory (Baby B) is measuring at 3 lbs, 15 oz. If you are able to do the math, that is 8 lbs of baby inside of me, folks. So to all of the strangers who shout at me, "You look like you're ready to pop!", that's because you're right. I look and feel like I'm ready to pop, but I probably still have another month to go. Wow. I honestly cannot imagine getting any larger, but we are hoping for 5 pound babies to avoid a stay in the NICU, so I guess I still have some growing to do. As I get more and more uncomfortable, I am trying desperately to enjoy this last month of my pregnancy, realizing that it will all be over soon and I will be holding my miracle babies in my arms in no time. I can hardly wait to meet my sons :) And Ronnie... he has such the heart of a servant, waiting on me hand and foot so that I can relax and rest as much as possible. Have I mentioned how amazing he is and how thankful I am to be married to this man? I love him so much as my husband and know that seeing him as a father is just going to take this love-thing to an entirely new level. I am definitely a blessed woman.

-Heather

Celebrations

The last couple of weeks have been wonderful and overwhelming, filled with events that we have been anticipating for months. On Saturday, August 3rd, my dear friends from church threw me a Baby Shower. I can honestly say it was the most beautiful and special shower I have ever attended, and how wonderful that it was my own! My small group friends, Carrie, Lora, Jennifer and Michele truly went above and beyond to ensure that my shower was special and meaningful for me. From the moment I walked in the door, I was hit with a flood of emotions. I have planned and attended so many baby showers in the past, always wondering if I would ever get to have one of my very own, something many women struggling with Infertility can relate to. So when I walked into that house and saw everything decorated to celebrate me and my miracle babies, I almost couldn't believe it was real. Thankfully, my mom and sister, Holly, were able to come out for the shower, and they were just as amazed as I was at how special the event was. The theme was "Little Peanuts," with elephant and peanut accents. My pastor's wife, Melissa, also played a big role in the day, making my beautiful cake and cupcakes and saying a special prayer over the babies. My friend, Cristina, also made a fun dessert and took video of the shower. My growth group friends created a Giada-inspired lunch, which was simply delicious. We had a fun photo booth, arranged by my photographer friend, Cheri, a onesie-making station, baby block decorating and people wrote notes of encouragement. I couldn't believe how many people made it a priority to be at my shower; I wasn't only overwhelmed with gifts (which took me about an hour to open!), but I was amazed at the turnout. I am truly blessed with amazing friends and a wonderful church family. I am so humbled and thankful to all of the ladies who created this celebration for me and my sons, and also thankful for the presence of my mom and sister. It was truly one of the best days of my life. Below are some pictures capturing the joy of the day...

It was wonderful to get to experience the shower with my mom and sister. We had some great family-togetherness time while they were here, going to coffee, folding baby clothes and having special heart-to-heart conversations. Holly also had her husband and children with her, so we turned it into a mini-family vacation. We had fun going to the pool, watching movies and spending a day at Schlitterbahn. It was so great to spend some time with my cute little nephews. Here are some family pictures of the Cleggs... Justin, Holly, Forrest (5) and Hunter (2). 

After some wonderful and much-needed family time, Mom and the Cleggs left town and Ronnie and I prepared for the next set of family to arrive. To celebrate Ronnie's Graduation from his Army-Baylor Physical Therapy Graduate School Program, the Lamberts (Ben, Kelly, Emmaline, Claira, Josiah) and the Millers (Ron, Bertie, Elise) came to visit. What a fun week of family time. We were at the pool almost every day, celebrated Ronnie's accomplishments and got to spend some long-overdue quality time together. We also got to meet our little nephew, Josiah, for the first time. On Thursday, August 15, Ronnie completed 2.5 years of hard work and finally graduated as a Doctor of Physical Therapy. It was a challenging journey along the way, but one that we are both very thankful for. It was a blessing for Ronnie to be accepted into this program and we met some amazing friends that were also a part of this program. It was hard to say good-bye to all of them after graduation, but we know all of their hard work paid off and they are all moving onto their new adventures.  I am so proud of Ronnie for his accomplishments and dedication to his work and so thankful to be his wife. Here are some pictures from his graduation ceremony...

Now that everyone has left town, we are preparing for yet another big adventure. Our twin boys could be arriving any time now, but hopefully not for another month or so. As of this week, I am 31 weeks pregnant and looking every bit of it. I have been dealing with quite a bit of swelling in my feet, legs, hands and even face. One of the latest challenges I am facing is carpal tunnel syndrome in both wrists. I am wearing a brace on my right wrist all day and night, and am being fitted for a brace for the left wrist as well. I am a bit discouraged because I have so many thank-you notes to write from my baby shower, but I literally can hardly hold a pen in my hand. We also just purchased a recliner for me to sleep in because my heartburn and the swelling in my feet are both so intense. I am putting myself on modified bedrest during the day because I have been so swollen, uncomfortable and just plain exhausted. There are so many challenges with pregnancy that I never even knew existed, but I am trying to keep high spirits and realize that the end of the pain and discomfort is near. I am trying to keep a positive perspective, knowing that this is only for a season. Also, pregnancy is something I desired for so long, I don't want to complain or wish it all away, especially knowing it may be over soon and I may never experience this amazement again. So I am trying to focus on the things about this third trimester that bring me joy. The babies are getting bigger and bigger, so when they move around inside of my womb, it truly takes my breath away (not just because of the accompanied Braxton Hicks contractions :). It is truly amazing to see my belly ripple as my sons move around inside of me. I know that is something I will miss after this pregnancy is over, so I want to cherish it as much as I can, and hopefully capture it on video one of these days. I love the bonding that this experience has brought to Ronnie and I. To see him marvel at my every-growing body makes me so thankful I have him as my partner. As he prepares to head back to work tomorrow, I want to cherish my time with him as much as I can, knowing that soon we will go from a family of 2 to a family of 4. Wow. Now I'm going to go enjoy the last vacation day with my husband before we head into our new normal. I will update you all again soon, letting you know about dr. appointments and baby growth stats. Until then...

-Heather

My Verse

Recently, a friend from church has been encouraging me to spend some time in the Word, asking God to reveal a verse to me that I can claim as my own during these final few months of pregnancy as I combat my fears and prepare to deliver the twins. She suggested that I begin reading the Psalms, which all have such great proclamations and messages, so that's where I started. For a while I hadn't seen any verses that were sticking out to me, at least not any that I felt directly related to this process in my life. However, this morning as I was having my quiet time, a passage of scripture really touched me and I knew that I had found "my verse." It's a verse that takes the focus of me and puts it back on the Lord. I would love to share it with all of you in hopes that someone may need to hear this today:

 "Yet I still belong to You; You hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny. Whom have I in heaven but You? I desire You more than anything on earth. My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; He is mine forever... But as for me, how good it is to be near God! I have made the Sovereign LORD my shelter, and I will tell everyone about the wonderful things You do." -Psalm 73: 23-26, 28.

My plan is to memorize this verse and hold it close to my heart, hoping that I can also pray these words as I go through the process of labor and delivery. Thank you all for the many prayers you have prayed over me, Ronnie and our baby boys. May you all feel the presence of the Holy Spirit with you today.

-Heather

Worshiping in the Harvest

While Ronnie and I were stationed at Holloman Air Force Base in New Mexico, we had the privilege of attending First Assembly Worship Center in Alamogordo. We loved being a part of that church family and made some great relationships. Ronnie and I began "trying" to have a baby while we were there, but left 3 years later in the midst of our journey through Infertility. Many people from the church supported us and prayed for us during our painful struggle and it felt disheartening to have to leave without having received healing from the Lord. However, I received some encouraging words from Kathy, our Pastor's wife, that I have held onto firmly. She told me that she had a vision of me, leading worship and singing up on stage, pregnant. She went on to say that I was going to be a witness to others of God's miracle in my life. When people saw me, they would be encouraged and reminded that we serve a God that still performs miracles. Her vision was then confirmed by Melissa, my current Pastor's wife, who had been praying that same prayer for me since she learned of my Infertility. During my 5 and a half years of barrenness, I continued to lead worship with our former and current church's worship teams, choosing to Praise God in my desert place. But I still prayed for healing and trusted that God had given that vision to both of my Pastors' wives for a reason. So, when Ronnie and I finally became pregnant 5 and half months ago, I couldn't wait for the day when I was finally "showing" enough to stand up on stage, worship my Lord, and visually proclaim the miracle he had done in my life. My sweet and talented friend, Cheri, captured this image of me a couple of Sundays ago during one of our worship services. I believe this is the vision I have been holding onto for all of these years...

"I will praise you, O Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all your wonders. I will be glad and rejoice in you; I will sing praise to your name, O Most High."  -Psalm 9:1-2

-Heather

It's a BOYS!

I am so excited to be having 2 little boys... my sons:) I am so incredibly happy, I can hardly contain myself. When Ronnie and I were in the ultrasound room, patiently waiting for the tech. to confirm their manhood, it was a feeling of anticipation I've only ever felt when I was waiting to get my pregnancy results from my fertility doctor. But once she confirmed that they were indeed boys, we laughed, cried, kissed and soaked in that moment as much as we could. We left that appointment on cloud nine, staring at their little sonogram pictures, wondering what life would bring us with 2 little sons. I know I keep saying this, but I cannot reiterate enough how thankful I am to be experiencing all of this with Ronnie. He has really been so amazing and supportive and I praise God every day that I get to not only share this life with him, but now have children with him. Wow. God, you are just so good.

Ronnie and I have had fun discussing names, personalities and possible futuristic scenarios that will involve our boys. We have been calling them Alpha and Bravo up until now, which may continue, but now we are able to think of them with possibly names, which is beginning to make this situation that much more "real." Right now we think that their names are going to be Reed and Rory, but I know we have a few months to finalize it. Before we found out their genders, Ronnie had insisted that when we move to Alaska, the babies' nicknames would be "Grizz" and "Moose"no matter what, so praise the Lord that they are boys, otherwise our little girls may grow up with an identity complex... Ronnie also enjoys changing their nicknames from time to time, depending on the day or scenario. My new nickname has recently become "Belly." He has been rubbing and kissing my belly and talking to the boys. That alone brings my heart so much joy; it's enough to make me tear up every time.

I know that the average married couple is pretty excited to be expecting, but I believe couples with a history of Infertility or miscarriage have a joy and excitement about their pregnancies that is hard to compare with anything else. Many of us believe that we will never get to experience a pregnancy, so if and when we do, we are witnessing a true miracle taking place in our own lives. I think often of my friends who are still in their season of "waiting"... friends who so desperately want to experience the joy of pregnancy, childbirth and having biological children. My heart continues to ache for them and I pray that God would heal all of them and bring them the desires of their hearts. However, I know that just as in our situation, God is doing a work bigger than we can possibly imagine, even if that means withholding something from us for an appointed time, all for a greater purpose. To those friends, if you are reading this, please know that I have not forgotten you, and the Lord has not forsaken you. We continue to grieve with you and pray for you as you patiently wait for your miracle...

Because this pregnancy has been a miracle in itself, and because we are having Twins, which seems to make everyone extra-excited, we wanted to celebrate by having a Gender Reveal Party. We invited all of our friends and church family in the local area over to our home to share the good news in person. Our decorations were all pink and blue (to keep everyone guessing:) and we had a tally sheet where people wrote down their predictions, whether it be 2 boys, 2 girls or 1 of each. Most people guessed it would be one boy and one girl, which is what almost every friend and family member seemed to think as well. People hung out, talked and mingled for a while. Then we took everyone out into the back yard and we shared the news by releasing 2 sets of blue balloons, for both babies A & B. There was a lot of cheering, clapping and congratulations, and we are so happy to have shared that moment with the very people who have been supporting us and praying us through the most difficult season of our married life. I am so thankful for these people and could not have been happier to celebrate with them. Below, are some pictures to share especially for those of you who read our blog but are not on Facebook, where these pictures have already been revealed. So here they are... enjoy!

The running joke in our family is that we can only produce boys. Between my sister and all of our cousins (who are mainly women), they have brought 12 little boys into our family, and only 1 girl. So our entire extended family was certain that one of my babies would be the saving grace and and that we would add at least one more girl to the family. But as chance (or God) would have it, it was decided that we needed 2 more little boys to add to the brood. This brought shock and laughter, but also great joy, to our family members when we personally called them to deliver the great news. Regardless of whether they are boys or girls, we know that these babies are a blessing and a miracle, and our family could not be more thankful for them.

As I close, I want to refer to a song that I sang many times in my season of waiting, or my "desert place," as I chose to call it. The song is called "Desert Song" by Hillsong United and it was incredibly close to my heart as I struggled with being in a very lonely, deserted place while enduring the battle of Infertility. The bridge says, "All of my life, in every season, you are still God, I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship." I held onto that verse as I tried to commit my life to serving God, choosing to sing and worship Him, even when it felt too painful. At times I honestly felt that I would never get to the place in life that the final verse speaks about when it says, "This is my prayer in the harvest, where favor and providence flow. I know I'm filled to be emptied again; this seed I've received I will sow." I believe that I'm finally out of my desert place and experiencing a time of harvest. I know it will not last forever, and life will continue to throw many things our way in the future. But we serve a God who is always good, and for now I just want to praise Him for his favor and for his abundant blessings in this season of our lives. Lord, thank you so much for our sons.

"The Lord will indeed give what is good, and our land will yield its harvest."
                                                                                                  -Psalm 85:12

-Heather

Sadness & Joy

Today was definitely a mixture of emotions. This morning I got a phone call from the CASA worker who oversaw our case when we were foster parenting J and B. The CASA worker is truly a wonderful person and I cannot imagine going through our fostering experience without her. She was always there for us, but more importantly, she was always there for the children and advocated on their behalf as much as possible. Unfortunately we were both displeased at how the case ended, and neither of us have quite recovered since. I had called her last week to inform her that I had some of J's educational paperwork that I felt needed to be passed on to his new case worker. The CASA worker was calling me back to confirm that she finally got a hold of the new case worker (the 5th one assigned to this case over the past few years...) and gave me her contact information so that I could pass the paperwork along. We got to chatting about the children and while she didn't necessarily have an update for me, we both spoke about how difficult it has been trying to get past the situation. While we do have good memories of the children, they are also laced with a lot of bad memories, especially when we imagine what their lives possibly look like now. As we ended our conversation, we both agreed that while we are both officially "off the case" and are no longer allowed to know anything about the children, we would both commit to continually pray for J and B. After all, that is all we can do at this point, and I am certain that they need our prayers now more than ever.

After that phone call, a wave of sadness came over me. I began thinking about how much I missed them both and how my heart ached over losing them to the injustice of this system. Every time I see a picture of their sweet little faces, or hear a song that one of them used to sing and dance to, or every time I find another article of clothing or special toy that belonged to them, a sense of loss takes over. Sometimes I am able to find the joy behind the memories, but many times I just feel sadness. I believe that while time will continue to heal the pain, I know that I will love them and miss them forever. Lord, please continue to heal and protect those precious little souls.

I was trying to keep my sad thoughts at bay all morning and afternoon. I met a friend for lunch, ran some errands and got a haircut. I tried to go about normal life while wondering what J and B were doing at every moment. Then I remembered that a very dear friend of mine, Lora, was at a nearby hospital where she had just given birth to her first baby the night before. Ronnie and I had previously discussed going to visit them tonight, but I had forgotten all about it. All of the sudden, excitement and anticipation came over me, taking the place of the grief I had been experiencing all day. I couldn't wait to visit this new little family of 3. I called a friend to ensure that Lora was ready for visitors and made a plan with Ronnie to visit them after dinner.

This evening we traveled to the hospital with a box of Krispy Kreme donuts in hand and we got to visit baby Jake for the very first time. He was absolutely perfect. He was sleeping soundly and peacefully, and I found myself in awe at his beauty and innocence. This was the first time I have held a newborn baby since becoming pregnant, and it was definitely a different experience. It wasn't filled with the bittersweet emotions that it has been for many years passed. It was filled with a new sense of hope and wonder. I felt joy flood over me and I imagined what it would be like when I finally held my 2 newborn babies for the first time. As I passed the baby over to Ronnie, I could see the same expression on his face. I knew we were experiencing the same emotions and it was a very special moment. I am so thrilled for Lora and her husband Jonathan, and I continue to be amazed at the beautiful miracle of life. God, to you be all the glory for the great things you have done.

I began my day filled with sadness and loss, and now I am ending my day with joy and hope. It's amazing how we are able to experience such a wide range of emotions in only one day's time. I anticipate many more highs and lows throughout this pregnancy. But for now I feel at peace, and I am going to bed reveling in the recent memory of holding a brand-new precious life in my arms:)

One Trimester Down

On Tuesday I had the divine opportunity to see my two beautiful babies:) I am officially 13 weeks pregnant and, therefore, had my 13 week ultrasound. I got to spend an hour laying down, looking at a screen, watching 2 new lives taking their form. I cannot even begin to express the amazement (and relief) I experienced at that moment, watching my babies moving around inside my womb. I just wanted to cry out, "How Great is our God!" He has performed the most precious miracle in my life and I don't even know how to wrap my mind around the enormity of this blessing. This is something I honestly thought I would never get to experience. I praise God for giving me so much more than I could ever hope to deserve.

As far as I could tell, both babies seem to be growing normally and are on target. Bravo (Baby B) was such a champ. He/she was posing perfectly for the camera, allowing the ultrasound tech to measure everything they needed to, and has a heartbeat of 156 bpm. We got so many wonderful pictures of Bravo; his/her little profile is the sweetest thing I have ever seen:) Alpha (Baby A) was not as cooperative. He/she would not turn toward the camera during the entire hour-long ultrasound. Finally the doctor came in, wiggled my belly around a little bit, and got Alpha to turn around just enough to get a semi-clear picture of his/her face. I wanted to post some of the pictures we received so we can all share in this joy and miracle of life together.

Baby Bravo

Baby Alpha

I already love my children more than words can express. I am amazed at how God chooses to bring life into the world... through a mother's womb. I am so thankful that I get to carry these 2 precious babies and cannot wait to watch them grow and thrive. Thank you, Lord, for choosing me to be their mother.

-Heather

Double the Blessing

It's looks as though God has decided to bless us with Twins. We are simply over the moon and beyond thankful for this miracle. To add to the wonder of life, both babies had the exact same heartbeat at 143.86 beats per minute... something our doctor had never seen before in his career. Wow. That was just one more little gift that God decided to give us:) Here is a picture of our first ultrasound at 7 weeks, revealing our sweet little babies growing perfectly...

Alpha & Bravo (Baby A & Baby B), what joy you have already brought into our lives. We thought we would never be able to have biological children, and now God has decided to bless us with both of you at once. Your daddy and I cannot wait to watch you grow into the amazing people that God has already predestined you to be. We love you so much already, our dear little ones.

Thank you, Lord, for giving us more than we could ever hope to receive.

-Heather

Expecting a Miracle... or Two :)

I am humbled and thankful to announce that after 5 and a half years of Infertility, Ronnie and I are finally expecting. Many of you already knew that we decided to go ahead with In Vitro Fertilization, which took place at the end of January. We also went ahead and chose to do ICSI (feel free to look it up if you want details:), which, according to our doctor, was clearly the right choice for us. After 2 weeks of waiting, we got the news we had always hoped to hear... "You are pregnant." When my doctor told me, I could hardly contain myself. I wept and wept and wept. It was such a surreal moment... one that I honestly didn't know if I would ever get to experience. Since I was by myself at the doctor, I decided to come up with a creative way to tell Ronnie when he came home from work. From the beginning of our relationship, making shirts has always been our thing. Whenever I wanted to  tell him something fun or surprise him with something, I would iron letters onto a shirt and reveal it that way. So, I knew I had to tell him the joyous news by making a shirt. I ironed a large plus-sign onto a shirt, put it on, and waited anxiously for Ronnie to come home. When he came through the door, he took one look at me and joined in on the weep-fest. I'm sure he wouldn't mind me posting this moment of pure emotion and vulnerability. You see, he has been walking down this difficult road for as long as I have. And while we may have dealt with it differently over the past 5 years, I know it has been just as devastating for him as it has been for me. To see the joy and relief on his face in that moment is something I will treasure forever. Lord, thank you for that sweet moment with my husband.

So now here we are, almost at 7 weeks pregnant, and we are preparing for our first ultrasound toward the end of this week. While I am thrilled to be pregnant at all, I know it will be such a relief to see a little heartbeat (or 2) on the screen, assuring that everything is progressing smoothly. Through various circumstances, I am already starting to realize how much fear can be involved throughout the entire pregnancy process. We have waited so long to get to this place, part of me is fearful that something is bound to go wrong or that we will never get to experience pregnancy in its entirety and see our precious child. No matter which stage I am in, I know there will always be cause for "worry" along the way. But that is NOT how I want to approach this pregnancy. That kind of fear is not from the Lord and has no place here. God has already given us the desire of our hearts and I am going to trust Him throughout this beautiful process. Lord, help me not to fear, but to TRUST in you and you alone.

I am also beginning to realize that although pregnancy is wonderful, it brings some interesting side effects along with it. For the past week I have been learning what morning sickness is all about. And let me just say, for the record, whoever named it morning sickness, was not entirely accurate. This is a sickness that lasts all day. And all night. And never ceases. Now, I promised myself that as soon as I became pregnant no one would ever hear me complain. I would be so thankful to be pregnant that I would count it all joy. And don't get me wrong, I do count it all joy. I would rather be feeling this, knowing it is a good sign, rather than continuing my journey through Infertility. However, this sickness is not like anything I have ever experienced and I fear it may be getting the better of me. Please pray that I will find a way to function in the midst of this all-day sickness and that I would experience some sense of relief. Lord, thank you for this child and for giving me signs to show that the pregnancy is progressing in a healthy way. Please help me to focus on you and not just the sickness.

As we prepare for this new little one (or little ones:) we are also planning our upcoming move this summer to... the beautiful state of Alaska. Yes, the Air Force decided that is where they needed Captain Ronald Miller, so in August we will be PCSing to Elmendorf AFB in Anchorage. Ronnie is thrilled because this is his DREAM location. I am on board and trying to be as supportive as I can. Don't get me wrong, I am excited to go, but now with a little one on the way, I keep thinking about all the new what-ifs. What if I give birth there and something goes wrong? What if I can't handle the snow and the winters? What if no one ever comes to visit us because it's so far away? However, in the midst of all the what-ifs, I know in my heart that God has already gone ahead of us and prepared a place for us. He knows where we are going to live, what church we are going to join and what people he has waiting for us to meet. It's exciting thinking about what all is in store and I am thankful to be on this journey with my husband and our new little family. Lord, thank you for this assignment to Alaska!

I will update you all again after our ultrasound. Please continue to keep us in your prayers as we prepare to see our baby's heartbeat for the first time:) We are so thankful for the many prayers that have been lifted up on our behalf over the past 5 years. I am amazed when I think about how many people have loved us, supported us, encouraged us, cried with us and prayed for us throughout our battle with Infertility. Ronnie and I are thankful for every one of you and hope that you are all encouraged as you witness this miracle that God has performed in our lives.
To God be ALL the Glory.

-Heather (& Ronnie) (& baby:)

New Year, New Hope

I don't know about you, but I was more than ready to say good-bye to 2012. I can honestly say that it was, by-far, the most difficult year of my life. It was filled with many highs, but unfortunately, many more lows. Yet throughout the heartache and disappointment of things that were not to be, God remained faithful. He has never left us or forsaken us throughout our trials. We are thankful to have a God who holds us in the palm of His hand and allows us to take shelter under His wings.

Here are a few things that I learned in 2012... I learned how lucky I am to have a best friend in my husband. I learned how to cherish and invest in important friendships. I learned how to better hear and understand the voice of the Holy Spirit. I learned what it means to truly become part of a church "family." I learned what a gift God has given me with both my biological family and my family-in-law. I learned that my husband is an amazing Physical Therapist. I learned that we will be moving from San Antonio after Ronnie graduates in August. I have not yet learned where we will be going:) I have learned to be content no matter the circumstances. I have learned to be utterly thankful for the mentors and friends in my life who have invested in me and helped guide me through very difficult seasons. I have learned that I have a friend in Jesus. I have learned that my love for God grows when I simply spend more time with Him. I have learned that Caribou Coffee mixed with Cinnamon Vanilla Creamer is the best possible morning pick-me-up. I have learned that Life Cereal continues to be (and probably always will be) the best cereal of all time. I have learned that I have an unhealthy addiction to chocolate. I have also learned that it is not an addiction I plan to curb any time soon. I have learned that all of my pants are incredibly tight and that apparently I need to exercise. I have learned that all of the worst drivers in the entire world all live in San Antonio. I have learned that I desperately miss fresh-cut, Northwest-grown Christmas trees. I have learned that it is possible to openly weep at a movie theater (please note: Les Miserables...). I have learned that I still desperately desire to have biological children. I have learned that my husband and I came into agreement about continuing fertility treatments. I have also learned that our In Vitro Fertilization will happen some time in the next 2 months:) I have learned to surrender my pain and completely put my trust in the Lord. Sadly, I have learned that while sometimes the justice system succeeds, it can also fail miserably. I have learned that there are no words for the pain of saying a last good-bye to your child. I have learned that the time you have with your children is short and you should cherish every moment that you can. I learned that sorrow will last through the night, but joy still comes in the morning. Thank you, Lord, for your unspeakable joy.

I wish nothing but a very Blessed and Happy New Year to you and yours.

-Heather

A Season for Change

A lot has changed since I last posted. Actually, everything has changed. Our life is very different and I know it will never be the same. WE will never be the same.

J and B are no longer with us. I know I should have posted about this months ago, but honestly, I couldn't bring myself to type out what was actually going on in our lives. Words were not adequate at the time, and I am just starting to properly form them now. Ronnie and I are trying to adjust to the "new normal" in our house. Unfortunately J had to leave us mid-October in an emergency removal. Without going into too much detail, his behaviors were such that our home environment had eroded into a toxic environment for everyone. After confronting him about an issue one day after school, he ended up throwing a monstrous, violent fit that quickly became a danger to all those involved. He left us that night and we have not seen him since. That was not necessarily by choice... it was something we were advised to do at the time and it did not play out how I would have liked it to. Nevertheless, those were the circumstances and he is safely placed in a new foster home, one that is adequate for moderate-level children, I believe. We love him and miss him, but know now that our role in his life is no longer to parent him, but to continue to pray for him. I would ask you all to do the same. He is going to face a lot of challenges in his life and needs a community of people praying for him to overcome.

B is also gone. This I am still greatly struggling with. Her father and grandmother finished all of their requirements by the state and were able to regain custody of her. She left us on the afternoon of Halloween, her pink princess dress and castle candy bag in tow. I will never forget the way her bottom lip quivered and a single tear fell out of her eye after we placed her in the CASA worker's car seat and said our last goodbye. I can hardly type out these words without falling apart. I hope never to say goodbye to my child like that again. My heart breaks for those foster parents and foster children who created strong bonds, only to have them pulled apart without knowing whether they would ever see each other again. Luckily Ronnie and I are able to stay in contact with B's grandmother because we were able to form a positive relationship; I am thankful for that and hope to get to hear about little B and hopefully see her one day in the future. My heart aches for her everyday, especially now in the Christmas season. Please continue to pray for little B as well.

As for Ronnie and I, we have decided that our season of Foster Parenting is over. After J's removal, we faced a lot of negative challenges while dealing with the CPS Department, and we realized that we can no longer continue down this path. This is saddening, however, we are thankful for the time that we had as Foster Parents and I hope and pray we were able to provide some sort of positivity to the 4 lives that we were entrusted with over the past year and half. We are attempting to go back to "normal," knowing that "normal" no longer exists and realizing that both Ronnie and I have changed throughout this process. We are enjoying have more time to ourselves, but still find ourselves talking about the children at times and missing them often.

On another note, Ronnie and I have decided to continue with fertility treatments. While we don't know what the future holds, we are both excited and optimistic about the possibilities. I will write more on the fertility front as time goes on, but for now we just wanted to let you know about the path we are on. If you feel led to pray for us in that area, we would greatly appreciate it. We hope and pray that the Lord decided to bless us with a biological child, but we also pray for peace and courage if the answer happens to be no. Thank you all for your continued love and support throughout these seasons of life. We hope you and your families are able to enjoy this season of advent and focus on what truly matters... our Lord, our Savior, our King. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you and yours.

-Heather

A Simple Prayer

Lord, forgive my jealous heart. Help me find a way to be happy for those who receive the blessings that I so desperately long for. Continue to remind me of everything you have already blessed me with. Thank you for your unfailing love. Amen.

-Heather

"Like Friends"

A couple of weeks ago, amidst the trials and turmoil of this case, B and I were taking a walk with the pups and decided to stop at our neighborhood park for some play time. Usually I sit at a picnic table and watch the kiddos play, but that day I decided to take part in the fun. Little B ran toward the big toy and I began to chase her, following her up the stairs and down the slide. When our feet hit the bark, we both giggled with delight at how much fun sliding together had been. As we ran back to the big toy for some more fun, sweet little B stopped, looked up at me and said, "You play with me Mama?" "Yes," I said. "I play with you." "Like friends?" she said. "Yes. Just like friends," I replied. "Yay!" she shouted with delight:) That moment warmed my soul and made me realize how much I need to treasure this special relationship I have with my foster daughter. "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me." Lord, thank you for my foster children. Help me to cherish the tenderness and faithfulness of a child.

-Heather

The Neverending Case

When I call this "The Neverending Case," that's because it truly feels as though this case has no end. Each time we seemingly meet a milestone, something happens to derail the progress and forward movement. Ronnie and I attended the kiddos' "final" court hearing a couple of weeks ago, before heading into the Merits Trial. We were shocked and dismayed when the judge ever-so-casually extended the case another 4 months. Yes, I said 4 months, people. And that's just until we go to court again. The Merits Trial (which is supposed to be the final court hearing in the entire case) isn't even scheduled until January. We were so surprised by this ruling that we didn't even know what to do or say as we walked out of the courthouse. We were upset, to put it lightly... there were many tears on my end. And while this puts us as foster parents in a continued state of limbo, my main focus and concern is centered around our foster children and what this ruling means for their futures.

J & B were originally placed in Foster Care in April of 2011. And here they are in September of 2012 with the end of the case nowhere in sight. The judges, case workers and people within the legal system have NO IDEA what this process has done to these children. It has caused so much pain, confusion, sadness and anger that I fear may not be reversible. In a perfect world, the system would not be centered around the parents and giving them multiple chances to get their lives in order; it would center around the CHILDREN and what is truly best for them. And news flash: it MAY not involve the biological family whatsoever. I'm not saying that foster children should not be reunited with their bio. parents or family members. What I am saying, and many foster parents can attest to this, is that sometimes children deserve more than what their bio. families are able to offer them. This entire situation has been incredibly confusing for the children and J continues to have emotional outbursts because of the failures of this system and of his family. Please keep us in your prayers as we seek to get adequate help for J while learning how to help him control his anger and emotions.

While we do have an idea where this case is headed, which for now will remain confidential, we are also realistic and know that anything is possible over the course of a few months. We don't understand why certain decisions are made within the legal system, but we are glad that for now the kiddos have a safe and loving home where they can continue to thrive. Ronnie and I truly believe that these kiddos are still with us for a reason. We have rededicated ourselves to J & B and we want to use this time to go even deeper with them, helping them discover who it is that God created them to be.

Last week J started Kindergarten and that has opened up a whole new world for him. He is exhausted by the time he gets home, but hopefully that means a good night's sleep. I am trying to find a Preschool or Kids Day Out Program to enroll B in so that she can continue to learn and be challenged academically. And I'm not gonna lie... it would be nice to have a few personal hours to myself each week as well:) We are also in the process of signing J up for gymnastics and B for either tumbling or dance classes. We want to help them pursue their interests and invest in them as much as we can for whatever length of time they happen to be with us. Lord, give us courage to face the next few months of the unknown and the strength to face the inevitable challenges that will come our way.

-Heather

Turning Thirty

It's official, folks. I am 30 years old. I can't say that I was happy to ring in a new decade. In fact, turning 30 was incredibly difficult for me. I tried to grin and bear it, but it has been a tough reality to face. It's strange to think that my 20's are actually over. I remember how exciting it was to turn 20 (or maybe 21:), and how "grown-up" I felt at the time. I made a lot of interesting decisions in my 20's... some of which I'm proud of, and some I'm not-so-proud of. I met my future husband when I was 20 years old and I believe that one of the best decisions I ever made was to marry him:) He truly is a gift to me and I'm so thankful that God brought him into my life.

When Ronnie got married, I felt so lucky that I accomplished one of the things that I had planned for my life, which was to marry young. I figured that the rest of my plan would just naturally fall into place, as it seemingly did for so many around me. I had a vision of what my life would look like by the time I turned 30 (which felt like an ETERNITY away...), and I honestly never expected anything different. I know that probably sounds like a naive point of view; looking back now, I see how young love truly makes you think that anything in life is possible. Little did I know that just 3 short years later, I would step into an unknown world called Infertility. Growing up, I never knew anyone with Infertility. Or shall I say, I never realized that Infertility was even a part of life. I now know that Infertility was actually around me all the while. My mother struggled with Infertility for 4 years before she conceived my oldest sister. Two of my aunts battled secondary Infertility. A woman I babysat for adopted after the inability to conceive. If I had only known then what I know now...

As a young girl, I had an image that life would be a series of events: you grow up, graduate from high school, go to college, meet the man of your dreams, get married, get a job, get a dog, have kids, live happily ever after. I believe most little girls have this fairy-tale image of life, only to later realize that life is anything but a Disney movie. Just the other day I stumbled across a copy of my wedding invitations which had the following quote scripted at the top of the page: "Sometimes, right in the middle of an ordinary life, love gives you a fairy-tale." (Simulate throw-up sound here). I literally tossed the invitation aside after I read that, disgusted at the lie that message sends, and also feeling completely idiotic for choosing THE cheesiest quote of all time for my wedding invitation. I then flashed back to the joy I experienced on my wedding day, 7 years ago, and how the future seemed so bright with opportunity. I literally felt like anything was possible as long as Ronnie was by my side.

Ronnie and I got married young, had great jobs, got 2 dogs and started trying to have a "family." Now here we are, 5 years into our journey with Infertility, without the one thing that now seems almost unachievable. The one thing so many people take for granted as just the "next step" in life. As I say this, I also realize that I would have easily taken the process of conception for granted, had I simply gotten pregnant like so many friends I know and love. After experiencing the deep, dark depths of Infertility, and studying the entire reproductive system, I am now absolutely amazed at the true miracle of conception, how everything has to come together at the just the right time and in just the right way. I don't want to get too graphic about baby-making; I just want to emphasize how beautiful the creation of life is, and how much more beautiful is the Ultimate Creator.

Turning 30 has become a time to reminisce and reflect. I checked out my old MySpace page yesterday (*throwback!*), which I hadn't done in probably 3 years. Interestingly enough, it still plays the song I had originally placed on my page after experiencing my first year of Infertility. The song is entitled "Sufficient" by Adie Camp (wife of Jeremy Camp).  I forgot how much I loved this song, and how it helped me find the adequate words to cry out toward the beginning of this painful Infertility journey. If you haven't heard this song, I encourage you to download it and add it to your playlist, no matter what you may be struggling with. It's an incredible reminder of how sufficient God's strength and peace are in the midst of our weakness.

I think the hardest thing about turning 30 is what I had envisioned my life to look like at this point. As it turns out, my life isn't at all how I had pictured it. And that is okay. For the first time in a long time, I am truly able to say that it's okay. I am a blessed woman and have much to be thankful for. Yes, I wish I had a baby and I still desire that with all of my heart. But I desire my God more. Giving my life over to Him means that I am no longer my own. I was bought at a price. Lord, have your way in me. I trust you with my life. You are sufficient.

-Heather

Adventures in a Courtroom

I promised you all an update about Thursday's Court Hearing, and here it is. Let me start off by saying that I know why there is such a shortage of foster parents. I now know why people shy away from pursuing foster care, quit fostering after a time, or simply refuse to walk that road at all, even when they are called to this ministry. All it takes to consider never fostering again is to sit through one court hearing for a foster child's case. It is not for the faint of heart. And sadly, my heart is quite faint.

Ronnie and I showed up to the courthouse 40 minutes early and we were the only people there for our case until close to starting time. However, starting time quickly became an hour past due, which is understandable when you see how many cases have to go before the judge each day. As we sat in the back of the courtroom, we didn't know what to expect out of that hearing. The case worker began to answer a series of questions prompted by the state attorney, including what the new permanency plan is on behalf of the state. "Adoption by a relative, followed by adoption from a non-relative," was her answer. To which the question was asked, "Are the children in a foster adoptive home?" "No." "So the foster family is not interested in adoption?" "No." "So who is the family member pursuing adoption for the children?" "We do not know of any?" "Have you looked for a family member to adopt?" "No." "So there is no one currently in place to adopt the children?" "Correct." This was at the very beginning of the proceedings, and Ronnie and I were already shaking with adrenaline and frustration at what we just heard. We had been very honest with this new case worker about our struggles with our current agency and how we were considering whether God wanted us to leave foster care completely or if we just needed to switch agencies. I was also honest with her when I said that I didn't know whether or not we would adopt these children because that was a huge decision to make and we were having a lot of struggles, especially with J. But never did I say that we were not considering adoption, when in fact we still were (and are). Long story short, this began a series of eye-contact conversations with the CASA worker, who is amazing and knows exactly where are hearts are. Luckily, she spoke up for us and said, "Actually, Your Honor, the children are in a foster adoptive home and they are still possibly considering adoption." "Well," he said. "That is a completely different story than I'm getting from the case worker. Interesting. Proceed." 

So then it turned into the parent battle, with the case worker going through each parent's service plan, telling what they have and have not done, including what is still left to do in their service plans. There were some emotionally fueled comments back and forth between the case worker and the parents' attorneys. Then it was the judge's turn. And let me just tell you that it was the most amazing speech I've ever heard. I wish I could've posted in on You Tube:) He started out by saying that everything he's heard is "Bull you-know-what." He voiced how disappointed he was with the state in the sense that just one month away from the end of the case we had yet another case worker quit and now we are on our fourth case worker, which is totally wrong. Then he went through the parents one by one, scolding them and voicing his extreme disappointment in their lack of services. The judge raised his voice and said to the parents, "Here we are, 4 days away from what is supposed to be the end of the case, and you are only partially completed with your service plans? Your children have been in state custody since April of 2011 and you still aren't done? Are you kidding me? And you (as he said to one parent), here you are trying to get custody of your children and you are still involved in criminal activity? You expect me to hand these children over to you now? Are you kidding me? Do you realize what a big deal this is? You're lucky that I'm not terminating all of your parental rights right now! This is ridiculous! You have all been given more than enough time! My concern is that these healthy, innocent kids, who thousands of people would adopt in an instant, go to a safe home. Get your stuff together. If you don't have your entire service plan completed next time we come to court, just know that your rights will be terminated." Wow. Ronnie and I just sat there, shaking, not believing what we just witnessed and so thrilled that somebody finally had the courage to tell these parents exactly what they needed to hear. 

After the judge rightfully schooled these parents, he decided to extend the case because of the case worker turnovers and confusion in the state's report about the permanency plan for the children. We go back to court in mid-August, at which time the final hearing will be held. We will then find out whether or not the parents have finished their service plans and can gain custody of the children or if the rights will all be terminated and the children will be available for adoption. Ronnie and I don't know what we will do in the end. We are committed, now more than ever, to keep these children until the end of the case, which is now in August, but beyond that we have no idea. Please don't unrightfully judge our situation until you have walked in our shoes. Adoption is a big deal. A really big deal. Yes, we love these children more than we even thought possible. But committing to a lifetime with them is exactly that. This is life-time, life-altering decision we have to make by August. These children have brought us a lot of joy, and they have caused us a lot of heartache. If we do adopt J and B, we want it to be for the right reasons, not out of a sense of obligation, and we want it to truly be the best possible situation for the children above all. Because they deserve the BEST life has to offer them. 

Ronnie and I want to make sure that if we say yes to adoption, we are saying yes to everything that comes along with it... going from a family of 2 to a family of 4, dealing with the termination of biological parental rights and the pain that we know will come from that, helping the children mourn the loss of their biological family, comforting traumatized children on a long-term basis, continuing behavioral therapy and other therapeutic services for the children, hoping that we will continue bonding with the children, ensuring that they will be welcomed into our family as biological children would, uprooting them from San Antonio and Texas next year, moving them around the world every 2 to 3 years for the rest of Ronnie's military career, and quite honestly, mourning the loss of what Ronnie and I pictured for our family. That may sound very selfish to many of you, but as I said, please don't judge our situation. I realize that God's plan is often quite different than what we had planned for ourselves. But I think if we were all honest with ourselves, many life-altering changes come as we secretly (or not-so-secretly) mourn the loss of what "could have been." I always pictured myself getting married young, having children young and being a young, lively grandmother, with a variety of adventures in-between. Even though I did get married young, my life has turned out much differently than expected. As we head into year 5 of our journey through Infertility, we realize that God has something much different in store, but we welcome His perfect plan into our lives, whatever that may look like. If that plan includes adoption, then so be it. But we will not adopt unless we know that God is leading us there 100%. Even if you do not understand our decisions or deliberations, please support us with your prayers as we navigate the next few months ahead of us. 

Thank you to those who were praying for us while we were in court on Thursday. When I say we felt your prayers, I'm telling you the honest truth. I want to say an extra thanks to those of you who prayed for clarity for those in the legal system. In a case of extreme confusion, somehow the judge was able to see everything clearly, see past the lack of preparation on the state's behalf, see past the attorneys' twisted perspectives, see past the parents laziness, and see everything exactly as it was. He saw the truth, he expressed the truth, and we know that whatever happens in this case will truly be for just cause. Some times the legal system does actually work:) We are thankful for that experience in court, though we hope never to have to witness it again any time soon. Thank you for your continued prayers and support. Love to all. 

A Proverb

As Ronnie and I continue to seek direction while wrestling with our looming decision regarding our future in the foster care ministry, we cling to God's Word for guidance. This morning before heading to work, Ronnie and I had the chance to just sit and talk about what God has been placing on our hearts. After Ronnie left I was able to sit down for some devotional time and read my Bible. Here is some encouragement from the Word of the Lord: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6. Thank you Lord for your Word.

-Heather

Take Heart

The last couple of days have been a series of trials for our foster care ministry. What a tough road we have been on. Really tough. Ronnie and I came back on a complete high from our weekend away at the marriage conference. We were totally rejuvenated and excited to see what God had in store for our marriage. The kiddos did great while in respite care and we were all happy to be together again. Then on Tuesday we received some startling news from our agency. I don't feel comfortable at this point posting what is happening, but believe me when I tell you that it rocked our world. Ronnie and I are questioning a lot of things right now, mainly whether or not to remain in this ministry of foster care. We are praying, fasting and seeking God with all of our hearts, begging Him to lead us in the right direction. We trust that He will make it clear what He would have us do... I'm just praying for the strength to accept that message, whatever it may be. Please pray for us right now. Pray that God would quickly lead and direct us. Pray for peace to accept the road ahead. Pray for all of those in the foster care ministry, that they would take refuge in our Lord Jesus Christ whenever facing inevitable trials.

This morning, as I was sitting and contemplating where God was leading us, I was listening to Hillsong United's album, "Aftermath." The very first song is called "Take Heart," (my go-to song) and I find so much comfort every time I hear even the first few notes playing. The words are so encouraging and I felt as though I was just able to sit and worship as I took them in. Here are some of the lyrics:

So take heart
Let His love lead us through the night
Hold on to hope
And take courage again

All our troubles
And all our tears
God our hope
He has overcome

All our failure
And all our fear
God our loveHe has overcome
All our heartache
And all our pain
God our healer
He has overcome

All our burdens
And all our shame
God our freedom
He has overcome

God our justice
God our grace
God our freedom
He has overcome
God our refuge
God our strength
God is with us
He has overcome

This song, of course, is taken from John 16:33 when Jesus states, "Here on Earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have OVERCOME the world." Thank you, Jesus, for your promises. Today, I will rest in you.

-Heather

R, R & R

In case you were wondering, that stands for Respite, Rest and Relaxation (hopefully...). This weekend Ronnie and I are going to take advantage of a much-needed break from our kiddos and go away. Just the 2 of us. Alone. After a very difficult last week with our behaviorally challenging 5 year old, Ronnie and I realized that after 5 months of fostering these 2 kiddos, we have never been away from them. Then it dawned on us that there are other foster families within our agency who are able and willing to do Respite Care for foster children. Then we also found a wonderful marriage conference outside of Houston that we wanted to attend. All of these epiphanies seemed to form together into one genius idea: Let's Get Away! So after a brutally honest conversation with our Case Manager, she made some phone calls and found a family to watch the kids. We also found out the conference offered a military discount, which made it somewhat affordable. And we had some wonderful family members who sent us some moolah to help pay for hotel rooms and meals. How blessed are we?!

So in just 2 short days, we drive away (3.5 hours away to be exact) as a couple of long-lost lovers hoping to reconnect in just 4 short days. What I think I'm looking forward to the most is just having uninterrupted adult conversation with my husband. We do date nights about every 2 to 3 weeks, so we have time alone, but we are always watching the clock, wondering how much longer we have before we need to pick the kids up and get them home. Being alone with little responsibility seems like a novel idea at this point. We'll see how we handle it... I'll check back in with you on day 3:) I'm also looking forward to going to a conference where we get to reconnect and just talk about how to foster our marriage rather than just foster children.

Last night I went to bed feeling sick and woke up this morning feeling even sicker. Ever since I quit my job and decided to stay home with the kids, we have all been sharing a rotating sickness in the house. It goes from person to person and never quite leaves completely. This last bout really messed me up and I was without a voice for about 2 weeks. There are still parts of my singing voice that haven't yet returned, which has been a challenge when helping lead worship at church. But just as that sickness ended, it seems that it's back and I'm frustrated beyond words. I don't know if this is a spiritual battle or if my body is just completely worn down from the daily struggles of parenting traumatized children. Whatever the case, I am praying against this sickness, praying for complete wellness during our weekend getaway, and cramming Zycam down my throat like there is no tomorrow. Please Lord, take away this sickness and help me to feel well!

I'll write an update after our weekend away. But before I sign off, I just want to say Thank You. I truly believe that God puts certain people in your life at a certain time for a certain reason. And he has placed multiple people in my life that have called me, texted me, messaged me or spoken to me this week with words of wisdom and encouragement. You all know who you are and I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. Foster Parenting and Infertility can be incredibly lonely places, so it's very comforting when those friends come to my rescue at just the right time. Thank you, friends, and thank you, God, for these loved ones you have blessed me with:)

-Heather

(non)Permanency

As we complete month 4 with our little foster kiddos, I thought an actual update would be appropriate. So much has happened since J and B came back "home" and we feel truly blessed to have them under our roof and in our care. For those of you familiar with the Foster Care process, each case goes through various Permanency Trials. These hearings are a time for all of the people who are involved in the case to have a chance to sit down and discuss everything that has (or hasn't) happened thus far, and what still needs to be done in order for the biological parents to regain guardianship of their children.

Ronnie and I had the opportunity to sit in on one of these hearings to witness the process and be there as a representative of our children. It was important to us to meet all of the people that are working behind the scenes in this case and we were thankful that the Case Manager allowed us to be there. I was emotional throughout the entire hearing, beginning with the fact that the kids' mother didn't show up until 40 minutes into the meeting and one of the biological fathers didn't show up at all. What brought me to tears was hearing some of the background info. about mom, to include other children, a history of crime and other unfortunate choices that she has made, all to the detriment of the two children living in my home. At that moment, I was brokenhearted as I imagined what these kids have experienced and I couldn't comprehend ever having to send them back to that kind of situation. I couldn't stop the tears from falling. Ronnie and I luckily had the opportunity to speak on the kids' behalf and let everyone know how well they were doing. That was a proud moment for us as we bragged about how far these kids had come and how many achievements they've made. But we were also very honest about the things that they were struggling with, mainly because of the trauma they have experienced in their short lives.

After we were done giving an update on the kiddos, we listened as the Case Manager revealed what the permanency plan was going to be for the case. The state decided to recommend a dual-track system, which means they are considering both Reunification (kids being reunified with mom or other either dad) and Termination (all parents' rights being terminated) simultaneously. So, even though these parents have had almost 2 years to get their act together and comply with the state, they are now getting another 4 months to complete their checklists and come into full compliance. I have mixed feelings about this plan, mainly because I think it sends the wrong message to everyone involved and it seems that no one is firm enough to put their foot down. At this point in the case, I believe that the end result should be focused one way or the other, with a strong verdict. These parents must realize that they need to either poop or get off the pot. If you want your children back, do something about it! If you don't really care either way, allow these kids the freedom to become a part of a functional family. I really do believe that all parents involved truly love their children. I also believe that some of the choices they continue to make reveal the backward state of their priorities in life. We will find out what the final permanency plan is at a court hearing toward the end of May. At that time we will know whether we will be preparing these kids for reunification or if we begin the process of termination and (possibly) adoption. At this point, anything is possible.

As always, thank you all for your prayers and words of encouragement. If there is anything that Ronnie and I have learned through this process, it is that we've just gotten started on this roller coaster that is foster care. We thought it was difficult up to this point, but now we're facing a new world of challenges. We also experience moments of joy as we watch these little ones grow into the beautiful children that God created them to be. But we've got a long way to go. The foster care system still continues to be broken. There is still a ridiculous amount of children needing homes. We still have room. So for now we have surrendered ourselves, if only to live in His will. His good, pleasing and perfect will.