Open for Business

God's timing amazes me. When Ronnie and I decided to take a break from fostering to spend time strengthening our marriage and our home, I felt a slight sense of guilt when I would reject a possible placement. I felt sick about the fact that we were a licensed foster family, there were hundreds of children in our local area who needed a home, and yet we were choosing to say "no." There was always a temptation to give in and accept children into our home, regardless of the fact that the Holy Spirit was putting it on both of our hearts to "be still and wait upon the Lord." As we have been praying about when to open our home again, Ronnie and I felt like God was telling us that we were ready again. I am starting a new job, but with Ronnie doing Clinicals and having a subsequent Christmas break, he is going to have a lot of quality time to spend with the child (or children) that we take in. After we decided that we were once again ready to open our hearts and our home to God's children, we called our agency and informed them that we would like to change our status to "active." We gave our Case Manager very specific stipulations about what kind of placement we were willing to take: only one baby at a time, boy or girl, any race, under age 1. Oh, and of course, if J and B (our first foster children) happened to come back into the system we would take them in a heartbeat, even though we were assured that it wasn't a very likely scenario. That was last week.

This past week started like any other Monday morning. Little did I know that our lives were about to change dramatically by Monday afternoon. And little did I know that Ronnie was up early, having his devotional time, journaling about his desire to fill our home with children. I had decided to spend Sunday cleaning the house, having everything ready and prepared in case we got a call the next day. Looking back now, I think the Holy Spirit was preparing me for what was about to happen. Around early afternoon on Monday I received a call from our agency with one of their family consultants thanking us for changing our status back to active and asking me about our previous foster placements. I told him about our only 2 placements, wondering why he needed this background information before he referred us for another placement. What he said next still gives me chills. "Well, it looks like your first foster kids, J and B, are coming back into the system. Is there any chance you would be willing to-" "YES!" I cried before he could even finish. I couldn't believe what he was telling me; this was a scenario Ronnie and I had discussed frequently, but hoped for only in our dreams. He told us he would submit us and see what happened. I got a call back 5 minutes later with 3 simple words: "You got 'em." That was all I needed to hear:) I was already beside myself and couldn't help but cry out to God with prayers of pure jubilation and thanksgiving. I called Ronnie and told him we were getting the best Christmas present ever, J and B back in our arms. He later told me that he expected a placement and kept his phone close by all day, waiting for that call. We found out that the children would be placed with us later that afternoon, just hours away, so I had very little time to prepare. Luckily, we still had most of their clothes and a supply of diapers, so all I had to do was run to the grocery store. Ronnie was already home from work when I got back. We held each other so tightly, hardly believing what was about to happen. Then they arrived. As soon as I saw their sweet little faces in the window, I couldn't contain my tears. They both smiled, came up to us and hugged us, as if 6 months hadn't changed a thing. Finally, our babies were home:)

This past week has been a bit of a whirlwind. Neither Ronnie or I have gotten much sleep as we adjust to a new schedule. We are trying to figure out how to balance both of our jobs, the needs of the children, and the late nights holding them until they are done crying. There have been tears of joy, but mainly of sadness and confusion. I can't begin to imagine what these kiddos are going through; it must be so incredibly confusing to be taken in and out of various homes, back and forth between family and state care. It saddens me to think about what these children have been exposed to and accustomed to over the past 6 months. All I know is that everything we established when they were in our home previously now needs to be reintroduced. We understand that this next month is going to be filled with many obstacles, but we are definitely up for the challenge. As always, we appreciate your prayers during this time of transition, both for us and for the children. We are sad that these children are victims of a dysfunctional family and broken system, but so thankful that for the time being, they are safe and sound in our home. It is amazing to look back and see how God orchestrated this entire situation. What are the odds that these kiddos would be coming back into the system the exact week that we opened our home back up to fostering? Not good, I can tell you that much. Luckily, we have Jesus on our side, and He defies all odds. Lord, we praise you for your goodness and thank you that your plan is ALWAYS better than our own.

An Answered Prayer

I am happy to report that after months of looking for a job, I finally have been deemed employable! I am officially an employee of a local school district who has hired me to be a Site Director for their After-School Program. Almost my entire professional background is in after-school programming, so this is definitely my area of expertise. My interview went extremely well and they hired me right on the spot! There was definitely a Will Smith "Pursuit of Happyness" moment where I accepted the job while fighting back tears. I am so thankful for this opportunity and so excited to begin in just a couple of weeks. I will be working part-time in the afternoons, Monday through Friday. I will also be supervising 9 staff and 180 students... wow. This job is going to stretch me and I am really looking forward to this new challenge! When Ronnie and I were originally discussing job possibilities, we decided that I needed to be making a certain amount hourly and monthly for our debt repayment plan to be successful. This job not only meets our financial criteria, but it EXCEEDS it! I am overwhelmed by God's faithfulness and want to give him all of the Glory for this amazing blessing.

That is our only news for now. Now that I have secure employment, Ronnie and I are really feeling the call to open our home back up to Foster Children. Our time of rest has been great for our relationship and personal well-being, and we feel ready for the continued challenge that is Foster Care. We think that we are only going to foster one child at a time so that Ronnie is still able to focus on his Doctoral program, which has to be our first priority right now. We completely trust that God will bring the child that He wants into our home in His timing. For now it's still just us, but maybe our next post will be that of a different story...

Crossroads

Where to go? What to do? Which direction should we take? That is the place Ronnie and I currently find ourselves in. There are so many options and so many possibilities.

I have been looking for a job for almost 2 months now. For one reason or another I haven't had the success I was originally hoping for. Last month I was selected for a position with a local Boys & Girls Club, but I turned it down because the hours would be challenging and I needed to be making higher pay. Since then, I have applied for multiple jobs and have only had 1 unsuccessful interview. I am trying to be receptive to God's voice and figure out whether or not I should be working. I know that I want a job and Ronnie wants me to have a job, but is that what God wants for me? As Beth Moore would say, "Is this a 'good' idea or a 'God' idea?" I am trying to discern where He wants me to invest my time as I continue to apply and hope for a job to come along.

Part of me wonders whether or not we are ready to continue Foster Care. My heart has really felt drawn to that path again. I feel renewed, restored and ready to open my heart and home again to children. But I want to make sure both Ronnie and I are truly ready before we decide to make that commitment again. His large workload and school needs have to come first, so we need to ensure that fostering does not completely detract from that.

Fertility still weighs heavily on our hearts as well. We know that we have been given a wonderful opportunity by being selected into the Military Reproductive Assistance Program. But when it comes to a human life, we struggle with finding the balance between creating the perfect environment inside my body for life to develop and forcing life by taking matters into our own hands. The next step in treatment would be another IUI. While now is as good a time as any, we want to make sure that we are both prepared emotionally for whatever happens.

As you can see, we are at a Crossroads. I think the hardest part is sitting and waiting on the Lord to point us in one clear direction. I hold onto the words from my favorite praise and worship song which says, "Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord. Our God, you reign forever. Our hope, our strong deliverer. You are the everlasting God, you do not faint, you won't grow weary. You're the defender of the weak, you comfort those in need, you lift us up on wings like eagles." So encouraging. Thank you all for your prayers as we navigate our way through confusion and try to figure out what the next step should be for our family.

-Heather

Soul Vacation

In the last post, I promised I would tell you all about my month-long voyage across these beautiful United States back to the Pacific Northwest to visit family and friends. Yes, I drove. To Washington State. From Texas. By myself. And no, I'm not crazy, at least not completely:) I decided to break the driving up into 4 days so that I would have a safe place to stay each night and get to see some of my favorite friends along the way. My first day landed me in Alamogordo, NM, home to the beloved Holloman Air Force Base. I'm not being sarcastic. I absolutely love Holloman and am so thankful that we got to spend 4 wonderful years there. It was great to see some friends from our old base and catch up over dinner. The next day I traveled to Denver, CO, where my good friends, The Browns, reside. So wonderful to spend an entire evening with them, full of laughter and fun. Day 3 brought me to Boise, ID, where I stayed with The Olsons. How wonderful that was:) After all these years, my former roommate and I still have a wonderfully unique bond that is still mysterious to the both of us. Finally, on Day 4, I arrived in my old stomping grounds, Centralia, WA, where I was greeted by my mom, step-dad, and grandparents. I love my family and I'm so glad that I got to spend a few days there with them. During my 3 weeks in the NW, I attended 2 weddings and 1 family reunion. I also got to spend a lot of one-on-one time with some old friends and various family members that I haven't seen in quite a while. I always get to see my family when I come home, at least for a few hours, but this trip allowed me to spend days at a time with my grandparents, aunt, sisters, brothers in law, nephews, dad, mom and all of my in-laws. How blessed am I to have that many people to love. I am forever thankful for that time with my family and friends and it was a great time of clarity and renewal for the next chapter in my life.

This trip was really great for my marriage. I will admit, it was difficult to be away from Ronnie for an entire month, especially at a time when the military is not requiring us to be apart for a typical TDY or Deployment. At the beginning of the trip, I didn't really miss my husband at all. It scared me at first that I was so glad to finally have "alone" time, but looking back now, I can see that I was just recovering from overload. Between trying to be a good Foster Mom to hyper 2-year-old twin boys, trying to be a good domestic diva in my dirtier-than-it's-ever-been house, and trying to be a good wife to my busier-than-ever husband, I was at the end of my rope and my sanity. After the boys left, I had nothing left to give to Ronnie, I am sad to say. I was depleted on every level and I just needed to get away. I left on my soul vacation emptied and discovered along the way how full my life really is. It was rough on Ronnie and I at first, but after a couple of weeks, we started to miss each other. We began to have long conversations on the phone, discussing things that we hadn't been able to discuss in months because of our crazy schedules. We really started to prioritize those conversations and our time together was very special. The fire was reignited and we were longing to be together again. Praise God for that revival in our marriage. Needless to say, by the end of week 3, I was desperate to be back home. I began my 4-day journey back and retraced my steps back across this country. During my drive, I spent a lot of time in thought, in conversations with God, listening to music, listening to sermons online, and listening to a lot of books on disc. Among those books were: "Same Kind of Different as Me," "Bossypants," "Safe Haven," "Oogy," and "Love Wins." I really enjoyed my time on the road and wouldn't have traded it for anything. When I was driving back into San Antonio, I was on autopilot; I had one mission and that was to be home and in the arms of the man I love. To make a long story short, I got home safe and sound, and I had a smiling face and loving arms ready to embrace me:)

I have been home for a month now, and Ronnie and I are doing better than ever. We are taking some time to invest in "togetherness," working on our relationship before we continue Foster Care. We want to make sure we are ready before bringing precious little souls into our home. So for now, it's just us, and that's okay. Truly. I am so thankful to have such an amazing husband, that I can honestly say that I'm content if it's only ever just the 2 of us. I would love to have a child and my heart still longs for a baby, but I am already more blessed than any one person deserves to be. Thank You, God, for never leaving or forsaking me. And Thank You for teaching me about your grace and redemptive love by blessing me with Ronnie. My heart is happy.

The Sound of Silence

I know it has been a while since our last post... I apologize for neglecting our blog, but the longer time went by, the harder it was for me to figure out how to update you all on everything that has happened within the past couple of months. So, I have decided that I would split it up into 3 blogs and tell you all about where we've been, where we are, and where we are headed.

For those of you who don't know, the twins are in a new home. What was supposed to be a 2-week placement quickly turned into at least 4 weeks, then at least 6 weeks, then at least 2 months, then at least (realistically) 3-4 months. As you can see, things aren't always as they seem in this broken foster care system. And even though you may be quoted a specific time frame for your placement, you truly never know how long you are going to have the children. After initially hearing that the twins would be a short-term placement, I began making plans to visit my family over a 4-week time period, long after the twins would be placed in their adoptive home. There were 2 weddings and family reunion back in the Northwest that I really wanted to be present for, so I decided I would set off on a cross-country trip by myself and have some much-needed alone time. But as the boys' placement continued to be extended, I began to realize that I was going to have to make a decision: either we would have to find a new home for the boys or I was going to have to cancel my trip. Now, I know that the most honorable answer would be, "Cancel the trip! Why even consider otherwise?!" However, having 2 year old twins took quite a toll on Ronnie and I as a couple. As adorable as the boys were, they completely and utterly exhausted us in every possible way. By the end of each day, I was physically, spiritually and emotionally drained, as was Ronnie. Many children who come into the Foster Care system have a strained background, and these boys were, sadly, exposed to some trauma early-on that had affected their growth and development. It does not make them any less lovable than other children, it just usually means there are more challenges to overcome, aside from the typical day-to-day challenges of raising toddlers.

To make matters more strenuous, Ronnie and I had very limited time together. When doing Foster Care, the only people able to watch your foster kiddos have to be First Aid/CPR certified, TB tested and background-checked. This obviously restricted many people from being able to watch our kids, and it's very easy to burn-out the few people who do meet those criteria and are able (and willing) to take them so that Ronnie and I could have some alone time together. So, in our 3 months of foster parenting, we had 3 dates away from the kids. Going from "just Ronnie and Heather" for 6 years to being thrown 2-year-old twin boys was a bit much for us to handle. We not only lost our alone time, Ronnie was starting to fall behind in school. Ronnie is a full-time student for the military in the Army Baylor Physical Therapy Program; he is getting his Doctor of Physical Therapy degree in a very condensed time-frame, and he needs a lot of time to study. After doing Foster Care for 3 months, we still could not figure out how to balance time for him to get his much-needed study time in each day. He would have to leave the house and head to work early, stay late, go to coffee shops to study on the weekends, and try to absorb as much information as possible in this extremely demanding program. It just wasn't cutting it. We were both at our wits end and we knew the only solution to our sanity was the one thing we didn't want to do... find the boys a new home.

The last thing we wanted was to create an even more unstable situation for these children who had been moved from home to home to home over their 2 short years of life. But we knew that we couldn't possibly continue to give them what they needed when Ronnie and I were each suffering individually and as a couple. It was really taking a toll on our marriage and we needed to re-strengthen that if we were going to be strong enough for any other children in the future. The boys having to leave our home was inevitable, which gave us some solace. However, the guilt that came with making that decision is still something I have to battle on a daily basis. Their case worker was very gracious and understanding. She thanked us for the love we had given them and said that she believed we were doing the right thing, assuring us that the boys were going to be okay. Our agency wasn't exactly thrilled about our decision to find the boys a new home, but I know they love us and support us no matter what we decide to do in the future regarding Foster Care. I have to try and remember that Foster Care Agencies have a job to do and that job is ensuring that children in need have safe, loving homes. And I also need to remember that I have to take the time and ensure that my home, my marriage, and my relationship with God are all strong enough to handle those kiddos who will come in and turn my life upside-down, for better or worse:)

The boys have been gone for almost 2 months now, and it still amazes me how deafening the sound of silence can be. My house had been filled with laughter and crying and yelling and excitement and chaos for 3 months. Now it's just me and my dogs. And it is uncomfortably quiet. I keep the TV on a lot just to keep me company while I'm cleaning, doing laundry, organizing, cooking, and doing other chores around the house to keep myself busy. I do miss the sound of J & B (our first foster kiddos) playing make-believe with Buzz Lightyear and Woody. Or watching them dance to the music while they watch the movie "Tangled." Or laughing outside while chasing Ronnie in the backyard. And I do miss Q&J (our second foster kiddos) yelling "fishy!" every time they caught a puzzle-piece fish with their magnetic pole. Or hearing them splash around in the bathtub with toy boats. Or pushing them around in my beloved double stroller as we walked around the neighborhood. I really do miss it all. But I have to trust that for now I am right where God wants me to be... in the midst of silence so that I can hear Him more clearly.

I believe Ronnie and I will continue with Foster Care, but for now, we are taking a break working on "us." And how wonderful that has been:) I have truly fallen in love with my husband all over again and I am incredibly thankful that he is my partner in this crazy life. And as for that 4 week trip up north? I did end up going, and like to refer to it as my "soul vacation," which I will update you on in my next blog. Thank you all for your support as we navigate our way through this Foster-Adoptive journey. We love you all and are blessed to have you in our lives. Until next time...

-Heather

The Twins

Yes, we have twins. And they are crazy. Or maybe we are just crazy for saying "yes" when our agency called us needing a placement for a set of 2-year old twin boys. When we decided to take Q and J in, we were still recovering from the loss of our first set of foster kiddos, J and B. And while we still miss our first kids, these boys didn't give us another minute to mourn. They have filled each and every day with their presence and keep us busier than we ever cared to be. I lovingly refer to them as "double trouble" because, well, that is exactly what they are. Now, don't get me wrong, they have their moments where they melt my heart and take every negative thought away with their sweet little smiles. Then one of them throws a toy at my head and the other one is climbing on the coffee table and the warm fuzzies instantly disappear. I'm sure that what I am experiencing is what every parent experiences from time to time, especially parents of toddlers. Even though we have had the boys for almost 6 weeks, I think I'm just still getting used to having complete and utter chaos abiding in my home for the duration of my waking hours. I'm sure as soon as the boys leave our home, I'll only remember the happy times, much like my memories of our first kiddos (who were a challenge to say the least). But for now, it is really just hard work and I am finally beginning to see what I am made of as a mother.

The boys are in the process of being adopted by a family and we are just a temporary home before they are legally released from the state's care. So we will have to say good-bye to them in a few more weeks, which is definitely bittersweet. It was supposed to be a 30-day placement, which then turned into a 60-day placement, which is now turning into an unknown time frame. We just know that we have the boys now and we are trying desperately to make some sort of positive influence while they are in our home. It's difficult trying to teach a 2-year-old about Jesus, trying to figure out what they are able to comprehend at this young age. We are teaching them about praying to God before every meal and before bedtime. I sing songs with them everyday, such as the classic "Jesus Loves Me." We take them to church and they have a lot of interaction with Christian families. Also, when we take walks, we point out the trees and the sun and the birds and talk about all of the beautiful things that God has created. Is any of it sinking in? I really don't know. I just try to do as much as I can, not knowing what kind of home they are going to be growing up in. I know that we can only do as much as we can do, then we have to leave the rest up to the Lord.

As crazy as life is right now, I still praise God for the journey he is taking Ronnie and I on. It's not easy and it's not glamorous, but we continue to be obedient, never knowing what the next day is going to hold. I'd rather answer his calling today than just plan on doing it tomorrow. We are not guaranteed tomorrow. We are only guaranteed this very moment. So this very moment I choose to be a Foster Parent, I choose to bless the name of the Lord, and I choose to trust in God's plan for my life. I honestly believe that if I can handle a daily dose of twins, I can handle just about anything. Bring it on:)

-Heather

From Here Until Maternity...

I thought it would be important to give you all a Fertility update, as I noticed our entire blog has solely focused on Foster Care. Don't get me wrong, we are still passionate about our call to Foster Care, but we are also passionate about hopefully having biological children as well. And just as I mentioned months ago, we will continue to walk through open doors until they are closed. We feel that God has given us the opportunity to pursue Foster Care and fertility treatments simultaneously, so that is precisely what we are doing.

A few weeks ago Ronnie and I went through our first round of IntraUterine Insemination (IUI for those of you familiar with IF lingo:). Without going into too much detail, most of you probably know that these treatments follow a timeline and there is a detailed process we had to go through. The first day of my cycle occurred the day after our first set of foster kiddos, J and B, left our home. Not only was I mourning the loss of my foster angels, then my monthly "friend" had to come and make that situation 10 times more emotional. However, Ronnie and I both felt God telling us that it was time to take that next step in our fertility journey. We questioned the timing and figured that now was just as good a time as any. We began the process that included early morning lab work (driving 45 minutes to the other side of the city at 5:45am), trans-vaginal ultrasounds (it's as bad as it sounds), double doses of Clomid (if you've been there, you feel my pain), and an at-home hormone injection (enough said). Finally the day came for the procedure. This was not the most comfortable procedure, for either Ronnie or me, but we got through it and played the waiting game for 2 weeks. Those weeks were filled with a lot of anticipation and hope... more hope than we have had for a long time. I began having some symptoms and truly felt deep down inside that I was pregnant. Ronnie made me promise to wait to take an at-home pregnancy test until the 2-week mark, just as our fertility specialist directed. So finally the morning that we had been waiting for came. And before I could even open the box, I saw that I was starting my period. I was devastated. I knew that this procedure was not a guarantee and I knew that there was only a 30% chance that it would even be successful. But regardless of the statistics, I held out hope. That day, my hopes were once again crushed as I realized that I wasn't pregnant after all. It wasn't a new feeling, in fact, it's a feeling all too familiar. I have had so many of those days that I don't even know what I would do with myself if I actually ever was pregnant. I hope and pray that someday I get to experience that feeling of utter shock and complete joy. But right now I am continuing to mourn and move past "what could have been." Luckily I'm not alone. This was difficult for Ronnie as well and I am thankful to be going through this with him. I am choosing to embrace my reality as a Foster Mom and trying to give thanks in all circumstances.

Ronnie and I have discussed the possibility of going through another round of IUI, but for now we are taking a break. As much of a toll that the preparation took on my body, emotionally it's a lot to go through as well. As I was sitting in one of the patient rooms at the military fertility clinic while preparing for the IUI, I saw a poster on the wall that said, "From Here Until Maternity." I thought, "Wow, what a clever play on words." But the more I think about it, that statement represents so many women who are trying desperately to have their "own" biological children. It is such a dark and painful road to travel; it's a pain that no one can claim to feel unless you have walked that road yourself. But I began to realize that I don't want "Maternity" to be the only option for my destination. I know that I will be a mother, whether or not I ever get pregnant or give birth. But I want my life to be so much more than Motherhood. Being a mother is important to me, but it is no longer the ultimate goal of my life. What I truly desire is for my life to reflect the life of Christ, as a mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend, coworker, citizen, human being. "From Here Until ETERNITY"... I think that message would be a little more encouraging on a fertility clinic poster, don't you?

-Heather