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Dear Infertility,

Why do you hurt so badly?

Sincerely,

Me

Enough

Well, a week ago today I finally said "Enough." I decided to resign from my job and turned in my 2-week notice to my supervisor. I had gotten to a point where something had to give, and I knew it could not be my family. After praying, talking to my husband and seeking wise council, I feel very confident about my decision. The current season of life I am in demands more time than I have been able to give and my family needs my undivided attention. After speaking to my husband, I came to the realization that there are many people who could do that job, but I am the only one who can be a wife and mother to my family. I am looking forward to being able to stay at home with our kiddos, I am also leaving my job with a heavy heart. I have really bonded with my staff, students and many parents at my school, all of which I am sad to leave behind. I have been praying that God would reveal to me what purpose I have served at this site after only being there for 3 months, and I think he is beginning to reveal that to me as my time comes to an end. The 9 staff I have been supervising are amazing. They deal with so many hardships in their personal lives, yet they put it all aside and come to work each day, excited and dedicated to our students. When I first came to our site, our staff and students were hurting. They had lost yet another Director and hadn't had strong leadership for quite some time. Over the past 3 months, I have been encouraging them, praising them, and challenging them to embrace their full potential. I have seen such amazing growth from every single one of them and we have really come together as a strong team; one of my staff has even applied to be a Director at another site. I am so incredibly proud of my staff and while I am sorry to say good-bye, I know that they will continue to thrive after I am gone. I praise God for the time that I had at my site and I'm excited to move forward and embrace my new role as a stay-at-home mom. This Friday will be my last day, so I covet your prayers over this next week... prayer for a smooth transition for my staff, students and parents and for Ronnie, the kiddos and myself. I'm already looking forward to what this next season has in store: taking B to the zoo, picking J up from school, volunteering at his school, helping him with his homework, participating in play dates, taking walks to the park, potty-training, going out for ice cream, doing art projects, baking with the kids, being an involved mom. I'm not saying that working moms cannot be involved, but with my work schedule and difficult hours, weekday involvement with the kids was challenging if not impossible. I'm trying not to be naive... I know that staying at home will bring it's own specific challenges. However, I am ready to be available to my kiddos, for however little or long they will be with us. My husband is excited to have me home as well. I'm sure he will appreciate having someone here to finally make nice home-cooked meals on a regular basis. Ronnie has been such a trooper and I am incredibly thankful for his dedication to me and the kiddos during the last 3 months of complete craziness. He and I are looking forward to finally spending some much-needed quality family time together. I've realized that even though the money from my job was needed and appreciated, God will help us get by with what we have. All it will take is re-prioritizing our current budget and having faith that God will bless our obedience. God, my husband, my foster kids. For me, they are enough.

How Much is Too Much?

Too much. That is how I'm feeling right now. Too much is happening all at once and I don't know how much more I can reasonably take. I have come to a place where I am questioning my decisions and weighing all of my options. It seems that I am coming up short in almost every area of my life. I can't give everything I need to give to my foster children, to my husband, to my job, to my students, to my staff, to my friends, to my family and to my church. I know we are not designed to give everything we have to just one area of our lives, but I always feel as though what I am able to give is not quite enough. Whether I am behind in my foster parent documentation, still trying to finish lesson plans to send to my supervisor, forgetting to RSVP to an important event, late to worship because of work, finding time to run to the store for milk, missing important time with my kiddos, neglecting quality time with my husband, never calling my far-away family, dealing with unhappy customers, trying to pay off endless debt, mourning the continual pain of my barrenness, not prioritizing my quiet time with God, never updating my blog... In my life, and I'm guessing in many of yours as well, this list could go on and on and on. It seems like the challenges in life are nothing less than overwhelming. So where is the breaking point? When do I finally choose to stand up and yell, "ENOUGH!"?

I don't know the answer to that question. But I do know that my concerns are God's concerns. He created me in His image and he knows me better than I know myself. I now realize that he, too, made that same "ENOUGH!" declaration that I so desperately want to cry out. It was while his son, Jesus, was hanging on a cross, bruised, bleeding and broken, dying for the sins of the past, present and future, proclaiming that, finally, "It is finished." Take heart, friends... He has already overcome the world. This world. This crazy, unsettled world.

Lord, teach me to value the things in life worth valuing. Help me to prioritize my time and focus only on things that truly matter and that are lasting. Provide clarity on my giftings and calling in life. Give me courage to say "ENOUGH!" when the time comes. Never let me forget about the ultimate sacrifice that you made on my behalf. Thank you for loving me in the midst of my trials, and thank you for carrying me through it all.

Reflections

As one year ends and a new one begins, I have been reflecting on what life has taught me over the past twelve months. I've learned that the world continues to be an unsettled and frightening place at times, but that God still gives us glimpses of light in the midst of darkness. I've learned that I am capable of living through another year with the painful thorn of Infertility. I've learned that marriage is hard work, but my husband is more than worth it. I've learned that there are far too many children in this world that are in need of a family and a place to call home. I've learned that 25 dollars can buy a clean water filter for a family in Africa that will last a lifetime. I've learned that I can be very selfish and greedy. I've learned that even though I have a college degree, it does not necessarily mean that I am automatically employable. I've learned that Grad School is really difficult and time consuming, and best left to the uber-intelligent (aka Ronnie). I've learned that I continue to love chocolate. I've learned that my immediate and extended family is one of the biggest blessings of my life. I've learned that there are more important things in life than a clean house. I've learned how to love unconditionally from my foster children. I've learned that parenting is truly the hardest job on the planet and I am not very good at it. I've learned that I really enjoy being called "Mommy." I've learned that the Bible is actually an amazing book to read. I've learned how to truly worship. I've learned that obeying God requires 100% compliance. I've learned that almost every one of my closest friends has become pregnant and/or has had a baby. I've learned that although I am sad for my own barrenness, I can be truly joyful for others. I've learned that fertility treatments are mostly painful and overall unenjoyable. I've learned that time doesn't always heal pain, but it does make is easier to bear. I've learned that surrender is not easy, but it is required. I've learned that it is possible to love my husband more with each passing day. I've learned that I desperately want to be more like Jesus. I've learned that God truly loves me and is FOR me.

As I look back, I am thankful for all that I have learned and look forward to everything that lies ahead. Here's to a happy new year.

-Heather

Open for Business

God's timing amazes me. When Ronnie and I decided to take a break from fostering to spend time strengthening our marriage and our home, I felt a slight sense of guilt when I would reject a possible placement. I felt sick about the fact that we were a licensed foster family, there were hundreds of children in our local area who needed a home, and yet we were choosing to say "no." There was always a temptation to give in and accept children into our home, regardless of the fact that the Holy Spirit was putting it on both of our hearts to "be still and wait upon the Lord." As we have been praying about when to open our home again, Ronnie and I felt like God was telling us that we were ready again. I am starting a new job, but with Ronnie doing Clinicals and having a subsequent Christmas break, he is going to have a lot of quality time to spend with the child (or children) that we take in. After we decided that we were once again ready to open our hearts and our home to God's children, we called our agency and informed them that we would like to change our status to "active." We gave our Case Manager very specific stipulations about what kind of placement we were willing to take: only one baby at a time, boy or girl, any race, under age 1. Oh, and of course, if J and B (our first foster children) happened to come back into the system we would take them in a heartbeat, even though we were assured that it wasn't a very likely scenario. That was last week.

This past week started like any other Monday morning. Little did I know that our lives were about to change dramatically by Monday afternoon. And little did I know that Ronnie was up early, having his devotional time, journaling about his desire to fill our home with children. I had decided to spend Sunday cleaning the house, having everything ready and prepared in case we got a call the next day. Looking back now, I think the Holy Spirit was preparing me for what was about to happen. Around early afternoon on Monday I received a call from our agency with one of their family consultants thanking us for changing our status back to active and asking me about our previous foster placements. I told him about our only 2 placements, wondering why he needed this background information before he referred us for another placement. What he said next still gives me chills. "Well, it looks like your first foster kids, J and B, are coming back into the system. Is there any chance you would be willing to-" "YES!" I cried before he could even finish. I couldn't believe what he was telling me; this was a scenario Ronnie and I had discussed frequently, but hoped for only in our dreams. He told us he would submit us and see what happened. I got a call back 5 minutes later with 3 simple words: "You got 'em." That was all I needed to hear:) I was already beside myself and couldn't help but cry out to God with prayers of pure jubilation and thanksgiving. I called Ronnie and told him we were getting the best Christmas present ever, J and B back in our arms. He later told me that he expected a placement and kept his phone close by all day, waiting for that call. We found out that the children would be placed with us later that afternoon, just hours away, so I had very little time to prepare. Luckily, we still had most of their clothes and a supply of diapers, so all I had to do was run to the grocery store. Ronnie was already home from work when I got back. We held each other so tightly, hardly believing what was about to happen. Then they arrived. As soon as I saw their sweet little faces in the window, I couldn't contain my tears. They both smiled, came up to us and hugged us, as if 6 months hadn't changed a thing. Finally, our babies were home:)

This past week has been a bit of a whirlwind. Neither Ronnie or I have gotten much sleep as we adjust to a new schedule. We are trying to figure out how to balance both of our jobs, the needs of the children, and the late nights holding them until they are done crying. There have been tears of joy, but mainly of sadness and confusion. I can't begin to imagine what these kiddos are going through; it must be so incredibly confusing to be taken in and out of various homes, back and forth between family and state care. It saddens me to think about what these children have been exposed to and accustomed to over the past 6 months. All I know is that everything we established when they were in our home previously now needs to be reintroduced. We understand that this next month is going to be filled with many obstacles, but we are definitely up for the challenge. As always, we appreciate your prayers during this time of transition, both for us and for the children. We are sad that these children are victims of a dysfunctional family and broken system, but so thankful that for the time being, they are safe and sound in our home. It is amazing to look back and see how God orchestrated this entire situation. What are the odds that these kiddos would be coming back into the system the exact week that we opened our home back up to fostering? Not good, I can tell you that much. Luckily, we have Jesus on our side, and He defies all odds. Lord, we praise you for your goodness and thank you that your plan is ALWAYS better than our own.

An Answered Prayer

I am happy to report that after months of looking for a job, I finally have been deemed employable! I am officially an employee of a local school district who has hired me to be a Site Director for their After-School Program. Almost my entire professional background is in after-school programming, so this is definitely my area of expertise. My interview went extremely well and they hired me right on the spot! There was definitely a Will Smith "Pursuit of Happyness" moment where I accepted the job while fighting back tears. I am so thankful for this opportunity and so excited to begin in just a couple of weeks. I will be working part-time in the afternoons, Monday through Friday. I will also be supervising 9 staff and 180 students... wow. This job is going to stretch me and I am really looking forward to this new challenge! When Ronnie and I were originally discussing job possibilities, we decided that I needed to be making a certain amount hourly and monthly for our debt repayment plan to be successful. This job not only meets our financial criteria, but it EXCEEDS it! I am overwhelmed by God's faithfulness and want to give him all of the Glory for this amazing blessing.

That is our only news for now. Now that I have secure employment, Ronnie and I are really feeling the call to open our home back up to Foster Children. Our time of rest has been great for our relationship and personal well-being, and we feel ready for the continued challenge that is Foster Care. We think that we are only going to foster one child at a time so that Ronnie is still able to focus on his Doctoral program, which has to be our first priority right now. We completely trust that God will bring the child that He wants into our home in His timing. For now it's still just us, but maybe our next post will be that of a different story...

Crossroads

Where to go? What to do? Which direction should we take? That is the place Ronnie and I currently find ourselves in. There are so many options and so many possibilities.

I have been looking for a job for almost 2 months now. For one reason or another I haven't had the success I was originally hoping for. Last month I was selected for a position with a local Boys & Girls Club, but I turned it down because the hours would be challenging and I needed to be making higher pay. Since then, I have applied for multiple jobs and have only had 1 unsuccessful interview. I am trying to be receptive to God's voice and figure out whether or not I should be working. I know that I want a job and Ronnie wants me to have a job, but is that what God wants for me? As Beth Moore would say, "Is this a 'good' idea or a 'God' idea?" I am trying to discern where He wants me to invest my time as I continue to apply and hope for a job to come along.

Part of me wonders whether or not we are ready to continue Foster Care. My heart has really felt drawn to that path again. I feel renewed, restored and ready to open my heart and home again to children. But I want to make sure both Ronnie and I are truly ready before we decide to make that commitment again. His large workload and school needs have to come first, so we need to ensure that fostering does not completely detract from that.

Fertility still weighs heavily on our hearts as well. We know that we have been given a wonderful opportunity by being selected into the Military Reproductive Assistance Program. But when it comes to a human life, we struggle with finding the balance between creating the perfect environment inside my body for life to develop and forcing life by taking matters into our own hands. The next step in treatment would be another IUI. While now is as good a time as any, we want to make sure that we are both prepared emotionally for whatever happens.

As you can see, we are at a Crossroads. I think the hardest part is sitting and waiting on the Lord to point us in one clear direction. I hold onto the words from my favorite praise and worship song which says, "Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord. Our God, you reign forever. Our hope, our strong deliverer. You are the everlasting God, you do not faint, you won't grow weary. You're the defender of the weak, you comfort those in need, you lift us up on wings like eagles." So encouraging. Thank you all for your prayers as we navigate our way through confusion and try to figure out what the next step should be for our family.

-Heather