Take Heart

The last couple of days have been a series of trials for our foster care ministry. What a tough road we have been on. Really tough. Ronnie and I came back on a complete high from our weekend away at the marriage conference. We were totally rejuvenated and excited to see what God had in store for our marriage. The kiddos did great while in respite care and we were all happy to be together again. Then on Tuesday we received some startling news from our agency. I don't feel comfortable at this point posting what is happening, but believe me when I tell you that it rocked our world. Ronnie and I are questioning a lot of things right now, mainly whether or not to remain in this ministry of foster care. We are praying, fasting and seeking God with all of our hearts, begging Him to lead us in the right direction. We trust that He will make it clear what He would have us do... I'm just praying for the strength to accept that message, whatever it may be. Please pray for us right now. Pray that God would quickly lead and direct us. Pray for peace to accept the road ahead. Pray for all of those in the foster care ministry, that they would take refuge in our Lord Jesus Christ whenever facing inevitable trials.

This morning, as I was sitting and contemplating where God was leading us, I was listening to Hillsong United's album, "Aftermath." The very first song is called "Take Heart," (my go-to song) and I find so much comfort every time I hear even the first few notes playing. The words are so encouraging and I felt as though I was just able to sit and worship as I took them in. Here are some of the lyrics:

So take heart
Let His love lead us through the night
Hold on to hope
And take courage again

All our troubles
And all our tears
God our hope
He has overcome

All our failure
And all our fear
God our loveHe has overcome
All our heartache
And all our pain
God our healer
He has overcome

All our burdens
And all our shame
God our freedom
He has overcome

God our justice
God our grace
God our freedom
He has overcome
God our refuge
God our strength
God is with us
He has overcome

This song, of course, is taken from John 16:33 when Jesus states, "Here on Earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have OVERCOME the world." Thank you, Jesus, for your promises. Today, I will rest in you.

-Heather

R, R & R

In case you were wondering, that stands for Respite, Rest and Relaxation (hopefully...). This weekend Ronnie and I are going to take advantage of a much-needed break from our kiddos and go away. Just the 2 of us. Alone. After a very difficult last week with our behaviorally challenging 5 year old, Ronnie and I realized that after 5 months of fostering these 2 kiddos, we have never been away from them. Then it dawned on us that there are other foster families within our agency who are able and willing to do Respite Care for foster children. Then we also found a wonderful marriage conference outside of Houston that we wanted to attend. All of these epiphanies seemed to form together into one genius idea: Let's Get Away! So after a brutally honest conversation with our Case Manager, she made some phone calls and found a family to watch the kids. We also found out the conference offered a military discount, which made it somewhat affordable. And we had some wonderful family members who sent us some moolah to help pay for hotel rooms and meals. How blessed are we?!

So in just 2 short days, we drive away (3.5 hours away to be exact) as a couple of long-lost lovers hoping to reconnect in just 4 short days. What I think I'm looking forward to the most is just having uninterrupted adult conversation with my husband. We do date nights about every 2 to 3 weeks, so we have time alone, but we are always watching the clock, wondering how much longer we have before we need to pick the kids up and get them home. Being alone with little responsibility seems like a novel idea at this point. We'll see how we handle it... I'll check back in with you on day 3:) I'm also looking forward to going to a conference where we get to reconnect and just talk about how to foster our marriage rather than just foster children.

Last night I went to bed feeling sick and woke up this morning feeling even sicker. Ever since I quit my job and decided to stay home with the kids, we have all been sharing a rotating sickness in the house. It goes from person to person and never quite leaves completely. This last bout really messed me up and I was without a voice for about 2 weeks. There are still parts of my singing voice that haven't yet returned, which has been a challenge when helping lead worship at church. But just as that sickness ended, it seems that it's back and I'm frustrated beyond words. I don't know if this is a spiritual battle or if my body is just completely worn down from the daily struggles of parenting traumatized children. Whatever the case, I am praying against this sickness, praying for complete wellness during our weekend getaway, and cramming Zycam down my throat like there is no tomorrow. Please Lord, take away this sickness and help me to feel well!

I'll write an update after our weekend away. But before I sign off, I just want to say Thank You. I truly believe that God puts certain people in your life at a certain time for a certain reason. And he has placed multiple people in my life that have called me, texted me, messaged me or spoken to me this week with words of wisdom and encouragement. You all know who you are and I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. Foster Parenting and Infertility can be incredibly lonely places, so it's very comforting when those friends come to my rescue at just the right time. Thank you, friends, and thank you, God, for these loved ones you have blessed me with:)

-Heather

(non)Permanency

As we complete month 4 with our little foster kiddos, I thought an actual update would be appropriate. So much has happened since J and B came back "home" and we feel truly blessed to have them under our roof and in our care. For those of you familiar with the Foster Care process, each case goes through various Permanency Trials. These hearings are a time for all of the people who are involved in the case to have a chance to sit down and discuss everything that has (or hasn't) happened thus far, and what still needs to be done in order for the biological parents to regain guardianship of their children.

Ronnie and I had the opportunity to sit in on one of these hearings to witness the process and be there as a representative of our children. It was important to us to meet all of the people that are working behind the scenes in this case and we were thankful that the Case Manager allowed us to be there. I was emotional throughout the entire hearing, beginning with the fact that the kids' mother didn't show up until 40 minutes into the meeting and one of the biological fathers didn't show up at all. What brought me to tears was hearing some of the background info. about mom, to include other children, a history of crime and other unfortunate choices that she has made, all to the detriment of the two children living in my home. At that moment, I was brokenhearted as I imagined what these kids have experienced and I couldn't comprehend ever having to send them back to that kind of situation. I couldn't stop the tears from falling. Ronnie and I luckily had the opportunity to speak on the kids' behalf and let everyone know how well they were doing. That was a proud moment for us as we bragged about how far these kids had come and how many achievements they've made. But we were also very honest about the things that they were struggling with, mainly because of the trauma they have experienced in their short lives.

After we were done giving an update on the kiddos, we listened as the Case Manager revealed what the permanency plan was going to be for the case. The state decided to recommend a dual-track system, which means they are considering both Reunification (kids being reunified with mom or other either dad) and Termination (all parents' rights being terminated) simultaneously. So, even though these parents have had almost 2 years to get their act together and comply with the state, they are now getting another 4 months to complete their checklists and come into full compliance. I have mixed feelings about this plan, mainly because I think it sends the wrong message to everyone involved and it seems that no one is firm enough to put their foot down. At this point in the case, I believe that the end result should be focused one way or the other, with a strong verdict. These parents must realize that they need to either poop or get off the pot. If you want your children back, do something about it! If you don't really care either way, allow these kids the freedom to become a part of a functional family. I really do believe that all parents involved truly love their children. I also believe that some of the choices they continue to make reveal the backward state of their priorities in life. We will find out what the final permanency plan is at a court hearing toward the end of May. At that time we will know whether we will be preparing these kids for reunification or if we begin the process of termination and (possibly) adoption. At this point, anything is possible.

As always, thank you all for your prayers and words of encouragement. If there is anything that Ronnie and I have learned through this process, it is that we've just gotten started on this roller coaster that is foster care. We thought it was difficult up to this point, but now we're facing a new world of challenges. We also experience moments of joy as we watch these little ones grow into the beautiful children that God created them to be. But we've got a long way to go. The foster care system still continues to be broken. There is still a ridiculous amount of children needing homes. We still have room. So for now we have surrendered ourselves, if only to live in His will. His good, pleasing and perfect will.

-untitled-

Dear Infertility,

Why do you hurt so badly?

Sincerely,

Me

Enough

Well, a week ago today I finally said "Enough." I decided to resign from my job and turned in my 2-week notice to my supervisor. I had gotten to a point where something had to give, and I knew it could not be my family. After praying, talking to my husband and seeking wise council, I feel very confident about my decision. The current season of life I am in demands more time than I have been able to give and my family needs my undivided attention. After speaking to my husband, I came to the realization that there are many people who could do that job, but I am the only one who can be a wife and mother to my family. I am looking forward to being able to stay at home with our kiddos, I am also leaving my job with a heavy heart. I have really bonded with my staff, students and many parents at my school, all of which I am sad to leave behind. I have been praying that God would reveal to me what purpose I have served at this site after only being there for 3 months, and I think he is beginning to reveal that to me as my time comes to an end. The 9 staff I have been supervising are amazing. They deal with so many hardships in their personal lives, yet they put it all aside and come to work each day, excited and dedicated to our students. When I first came to our site, our staff and students were hurting. They had lost yet another Director and hadn't had strong leadership for quite some time. Over the past 3 months, I have been encouraging them, praising them, and challenging them to embrace their full potential. I have seen such amazing growth from every single one of them and we have really come together as a strong team; one of my staff has even applied to be a Director at another site. I am so incredibly proud of my staff and while I am sorry to say good-bye, I know that they will continue to thrive after I am gone. I praise God for the time that I had at my site and I'm excited to move forward and embrace my new role as a stay-at-home mom. This Friday will be my last day, so I covet your prayers over this next week... prayer for a smooth transition for my staff, students and parents and for Ronnie, the kiddos and myself. I'm already looking forward to what this next season has in store: taking B to the zoo, picking J up from school, volunteering at his school, helping him with his homework, participating in play dates, taking walks to the park, potty-training, going out for ice cream, doing art projects, baking with the kids, being an involved mom. I'm not saying that working moms cannot be involved, but with my work schedule and difficult hours, weekday involvement with the kids was challenging if not impossible. I'm trying not to be naive... I know that staying at home will bring it's own specific challenges. However, I am ready to be available to my kiddos, for however little or long they will be with us. My husband is excited to have me home as well. I'm sure he will appreciate having someone here to finally make nice home-cooked meals on a regular basis. Ronnie has been such a trooper and I am incredibly thankful for his dedication to me and the kiddos during the last 3 months of complete craziness. He and I are looking forward to finally spending some much-needed quality family time together. I've realized that even though the money from my job was needed and appreciated, God will help us get by with what we have. All it will take is re-prioritizing our current budget and having faith that God will bless our obedience. God, my husband, my foster kids. For me, they are enough.

How Much is Too Much?

Too much. That is how I'm feeling right now. Too much is happening all at once and I don't know how much more I can reasonably take. I have come to a place where I am questioning my decisions and weighing all of my options. It seems that I am coming up short in almost every area of my life. I can't give everything I need to give to my foster children, to my husband, to my job, to my students, to my staff, to my friends, to my family and to my church. I know we are not designed to give everything we have to just one area of our lives, but I always feel as though what I am able to give is not quite enough. Whether I am behind in my foster parent documentation, still trying to finish lesson plans to send to my supervisor, forgetting to RSVP to an important event, late to worship because of work, finding time to run to the store for milk, missing important time with my kiddos, neglecting quality time with my husband, never calling my far-away family, dealing with unhappy customers, trying to pay off endless debt, mourning the continual pain of my barrenness, not prioritizing my quiet time with God, never updating my blog... In my life, and I'm guessing in many of yours as well, this list could go on and on and on. It seems like the challenges in life are nothing less than overwhelming. So where is the breaking point? When do I finally choose to stand up and yell, "ENOUGH!"?

I don't know the answer to that question. But I do know that my concerns are God's concerns. He created me in His image and he knows me better than I know myself. I now realize that he, too, made that same "ENOUGH!" declaration that I so desperately want to cry out. It was while his son, Jesus, was hanging on a cross, bruised, bleeding and broken, dying for the sins of the past, present and future, proclaiming that, finally, "It is finished." Take heart, friends... He has already overcome the world. This world. This crazy, unsettled world.

Lord, teach me to value the things in life worth valuing. Help me to prioritize my time and focus only on things that truly matter and that are lasting. Provide clarity on my giftings and calling in life. Give me courage to say "ENOUGH!" when the time comes. Never let me forget about the ultimate sacrifice that you made on my behalf. Thank you for loving me in the midst of my trials, and thank you for carrying me through it all.

Reflections

As one year ends and a new one begins, I have been reflecting on what life has taught me over the past twelve months. I've learned that the world continues to be an unsettled and frightening place at times, but that God still gives us glimpses of light in the midst of darkness. I've learned that I am capable of living through another year with the painful thorn of Infertility. I've learned that marriage is hard work, but my husband is more than worth it. I've learned that there are far too many children in this world that are in need of a family and a place to call home. I've learned that 25 dollars can buy a clean water filter for a family in Africa that will last a lifetime. I've learned that I can be very selfish and greedy. I've learned that even though I have a college degree, it does not necessarily mean that I am automatically employable. I've learned that Grad School is really difficult and time consuming, and best left to the uber-intelligent (aka Ronnie). I've learned that I continue to love chocolate. I've learned that my immediate and extended family is one of the biggest blessings of my life. I've learned that there are more important things in life than a clean house. I've learned how to love unconditionally from my foster children. I've learned that parenting is truly the hardest job on the planet and I am not very good at it. I've learned that I really enjoy being called "Mommy." I've learned that the Bible is actually an amazing book to read. I've learned how to truly worship. I've learned that obeying God requires 100% compliance. I've learned that almost every one of my closest friends has become pregnant and/or has had a baby. I've learned that although I am sad for my own barrenness, I can be truly joyful for others. I've learned that fertility treatments are mostly painful and overall unenjoyable. I've learned that time doesn't always heal pain, but it does make is easier to bear. I've learned that surrender is not easy, but it is required. I've learned that it is possible to love my husband more with each passing day. I've learned that I desperately want to be more like Jesus. I've learned that God truly loves me and is FOR me.

As I look back, I am thankful for all that I have learned and look forward to everything that lies ahead. Here's to a happy new year.

-Heather