One Trimester Down

On Tuesday I had the divine opportunity to see my two beautiful babies:) I am officially 13 weeks pregnant and, therefore, had my 13 week ultrasound. I got to spend an hour laying down, looking at a screen, watching 2 new lives taking their form. I cannot even begin to express the amazement (and relief) I experienced at that moment, watching my babies moving around inside my womb. I just wanted to cry out, "How Great is our God!" He has performed the most precious miracle in my life and I don't even know how to wrap my mind around the enormity of this blessing. This is something I honestly thought I would never get to experience. I praise God for giving me so much more than I could ever hope to deserve.

As far as I could tell, both babies seem to be growing normally and are on target. Bravo (Baby B) was such a champ. He/she was posing perfectly for the camera, allowing the ultrasound tech to measure everything they needed to, and has a heartbeat of 156 bpm. We got so many wonderful pictures of Bravo; his/her little profile is the sweetest thing I have ever seen:) Alpha (Baby A) was not as cooperative. He/she would not turn toward the camera during the entire hour-long ultrasound. Finally the doctor came in, wiggled my belly around a little bit, and got Alpha to turn around just enough to get a semi-clear picture of his/her face. I wanted to post some of the pictures we received so we can all share in this joy and miracle of life together.

Baby Bravo

Baby Alpha

I already love my children more than words can express. I am amazed at how God chooses to bring life into the world... through a mother's womb. I am so thankful that I get to carry these 2 precious babies and cannot wait to watch them grow and thrive. Thank you, Lord, for choosing me to be their mother.

-Heather

Double the Blessing

It's looks as though God has decided to bless us with Twins. We are simply over the moon and beyond thankful for this miracle. To add to the wonder of life, both babies had the exact same heartbeat at 143.86 beats per minute... something our doctor had never seen before in his career. Wow. That was just one more little gift that God decided to give us:) Here is a picture of our first ultrasound at 7 weeks, revealing our sweet little babies growing perfectly...

Alpha & Bravo (Baby A & Baby B), what joy you have already brought into our lives. We thought we would never be able to have biological children, and now God has decided to bless us with both of you at once. Your daddy and I cannot wait to watch you grow into the amazing people that God has already predestined you to be. We love you so much already, our dear little ones.

Thank you, Lord, for giving us more than we could ever hope to receive.

-Heather

Expecting a Miracle... or Two :)

I am humbled and thankful to announce that after 5 and a half years of Infertility, Ronnie and I are finally expecting. Many of you already knew that we decided to go ahead with In Vitro Fertilization, which took place at the end of January. We also went ahead and chose to do ICSI (feel free to look it up if you want details:), which, according to our doctor, was clearly the right choice for us. After 2 weeks of waiting, we got the news we had always hoped to hear... "You are pregnant." When my doctor told me, I could hardly contain myself. I wept and wept and wept. It was such a surreal moment... one that I honestly didn't know if I would ever get to experience. Since I was by myself at the doctor, I decided to come up with a creative way to tell Ronnie when he came home from work. From the beginning of our relationship, making shirts has always been our thing. Whenever I wanted to  tell him something fun or surprise him with something, I would iron letters onto a shirt and reveal it that way. So, I knew I had to tell him the joyous news by making a shirt. I ironed a large plus-sign onto a shirt, put it on, and waited anxiously for Ronnie to come home. When he came through the door, he took one look at me and joined in on the weep-fest. I'm sure he wouldn't mind me posting this moment of pure emotion and vulnerability. You see, he has been walking down this difficult road for as long as I have. And while we may have dealt with it differently over the past 5 years, I know it has been just as devastating for him as it has been for me. To see the joy and relief on his face in that moment is something I will treasure forever. Lord, thank you for that sweet moment with my husband.

So now here we are, almost at 7 weeks pregnant, and we are preparing for our first ultrasound toward the end of this week. While I am thrilled to be pregnant at all, I know it will be such a relief to see a little heartbeat (or 2) on the screen, assuring that everything is progressing smoothly. Through various circumstances, I am already starting to realize how much fear can be involved throughout the entire pregnancy process. We have waited so long to get to this place, part of me is fearful that something is bound to go wrong or that we will never get to experience pregnancy in its entirety and see our precious child. No matter which stage I am in, I know there will always be cause for "worry" along the way. But that is NOT how I want to approach this pregnancy. That kind of fear is not from the Lord and has no place here. God has already given us the desire of our hearts and I am going to trust Him throughout this beautiful process. Lord, help me not to fear, but to TRUST in you and you alone.

I am also beginning to realize that although pregnancy is wonderful, it brings some interesting side effects along with it. For the past week I have been learning what morning sickness is all about. And let me just say, for the record, whoever named it morning sickness, was not entirely accurate. This is a sickness that lasts all day. And all night. And never ceases. Now, I promised myself that as soon as I became pregnant no one would ever hear me complain. I would be so thankful to be pregnant that I would count it all joy. And don't get me wrong, I do count it all joy. I would rather be feeling this, knowing it is a good sign, rather than continuing my journey through Infertility. However, this sickness is not like anything I have ever experienced and I fear it may be getting the better of me. Please pray that I will find a way to function in the midst of this all-day sickness and that I would experience some sense of relief. Lord, thank you for this child and for giving me signs to show that the pregnancy is progressing in a healthy way. Please help me to focus on you and not just the sickness.

As we prepare for this new little one (or little ones:) we are also planning our upcoming move this summer to... the beautiful state of Alaska. Yes, the Air Force decided that is where they needed Captain Ronald Miller, so in August we will be PCSing to Elmendorf AFB in Anchorage. Ronnie is thrilled because this is his DREAM location. I am on board and trying to be as supportive as I can. Don't get me wrong, I am excited to go, but now with a little one on the way, I keep thinking about all the new what-ifs. What if I give birth there and something goes wrong? What if I can't handle the snow and the winters? What if no one ever comes to visit us because it's so far away? However, in the midst of all the what-ifs, I know in my heart that God has already gone ahead of us and prepared a place for us. He knows where we are going to live, what church we are going to join and what people he has waiting for us to meet. It's exciting thinking about what all is in store and I am thankful to be on this journey with my husband and our new little family. Lord, thank you for this assignment to Alaska!

I will update you all again after our ultrasound. Please continue to keep us in your prayers as we prepare to see our baby's heartbeat for the first time:) We are so thankful for the many prayers that have been lifted up on our behalf over the past 5 years. I am amazed when I think about how many people have loved us, supported us, encouraged us, cried with us and prayed for us throughout our battle with Infertility. Ronnie and I are thankful for every one of you and hope that you are all encouraged as you witness this miracle that God has performed in our lives.
To God be ALL the Glory.

-Heather (& Ronnie) (& baby:)

New Year, New Hope

I don't know about you, but I was more than ready to say good-bye to 2012. I can honestly say that it was, by-far, the most difficult year of my life. It was filled with many highs, but unfortunately, many more lows. Yet throughout the heartache and disappointment of things that were not to be, God remained faithful. He has never left us or forsaken us throughout our trials. We are thankful to have a God who holds us in the palm of His hand and allows us to take shelter under His wings.

Here are a few things that I learned in 2012... I learned how lucky I am to have a best friend in my husband. I learned how to cherish and invest in important friendships. I learned how to better hear and understand the voice of the Holy Spirit. I learned what it means to truly become part of a church "family." I learned what a gift God has given me with both my biological family and my family-in-law. I learned that my husband is an amazing Physical Therapist. I learned that we will be moving from San Antonio after Ronnie graduates in August. I have not yet learned where we will be going:) I have learned to be content no matter the circumstances. I have learned to be utterly thankful for the mentors and friends in my life who have invested in me and helped guide me through very difficult seasons. I have learned that I have a friend in Jesus. I have learned that my love for God grows when I simply spend more time with Him. I have learned that Caribou Coffee mixed with Cinnamon Vanilla Creamer is the best possible morning pick-me-up. I have learned that Life Cereal continues to be (and probably always will be) the best cereal of all time. I have learned that I have an unhealthy addiction to chocolate. I have also learned that it is not an addiction I plan to curb any time soon. I have learned that all of my pants are incredibly tight and that apparently I need to exercise. I have learned that all of the worst drivers in the entire world all live in San Antonio. I have learned that I desperately miss fresh-cut, Northwest-grown Christmas trees. I have learned that it is possible to openly weep at a movie theater (please note: Les Miserables...). I have learned that I still desperately desire to have biological children. I have learned that my husband and I came into agreement about continuing fertility treatments. I have also learned that our In Vitro Fertilization will happen some time in the next 2 months:) I have learned to surrender my pain and completely put my trust in the Lord. Sadly, I have learned that while sometimes the justice system succeeds, it can also fail miserably. I have learned that there are no words for the pain of saying a last good-bye to your child. I have learned that the time you have with your children is short and you should cherish every moment that you can. I learned that sorrow will last through the night, but joy still comes in the morning. Thank you, Lord, for your unspeakable joy.

I wish nothing but a very Blessed and Happy New Year to you and yours.

-Heather

A Season for Change

A lot has changed since I last posted. Actually, everything has changed. Our life is very different and I know it will never be the same. WE will never be the same.

J and B are no longer with us. I know I should have posted about this months ago, but honestly, I couldn't bring myself to type out what was actually going on in our lives. Words were not adequate at the time, and I am just starting to properly form them now. Ronnie and I are trying to adjust to the "new normal" in our house. Unfortunately J had to leave us mid-October in an emergency removal. Without going into too much detail, his behaviors were such that our home environment had eroded into a toxic environment for everyone. After confronting him about an issue one day after school, he ended up throwing a monstrous, violent fit that quickly became a danger to all those involved. He left us that night and we have not seen him since. That was not necessarily by choice... it was something we were advised to do at the time and it did not play out how I would have liked it to. Nevertheless, those were the circumstances and he is safely placed in a new foster home, one that is adequate for moderate-level children, I believe. We love him and miss him, but know now that our role in his life is no longer to parent him, but to continue to pray for him. I would ask you all to do the same. He is going to face a lot of challenges in his life and needs a community of people praying for him to overcome.

B is also gone. This I am still greatly struggling with. Her father and grandmother finished all of their requirements by the state and were able to regain custody of her. She left us on the afternoon of Halloween, her pink princess dress and castle candy bag in tow. I will never forget the way her bottom lip quivered and a single tear fell out of her eye after we placed her in the CASA worker's car seat and said our last goodbye. I can hardly type out these words without falling apart. I hope never to say goodbye to my child like that again. My heart breaks for those foster parents and foster children who created strong bonds, only to have them pulled apart without knowing whether they would ever see each other again. Luckily Ronnie and I are able to stay in contact with B's grandmother because we were able to form a positive relationship; I am thankful for that and hope to get to hear about little B and hopefully see her one day in the future. My heart aches for her everyday, especially now in the Christmas season. Please continue to pray for little B as well.

As for Ronnie and I, we have decided that our season of Foster Parenting is over. After J's removal, we faced a lot of negative challenges while dealing with the CPS Department, and we realized that we can no longer continue down this path. This is saddening, however, we are thankful for the time that we had as Foster Parents and I hope and pray we were able to provide some sort of positivity to the 4 lives that we were entrusted with over the past year and half. We are attempting to go back to "normal," knowing that "normal" no longer exists and realizing that both Ronnie and I have changed throughout this process. We are enjoying have more time to ourselves, but still find ourselves talking about the children at times and missing them often.

On another note, Ronnie and I have decided to continue with fertility treatments. While we don't know what the future holds, we are both excited and optimistic about the possibilities. I will write more on the fertility front as time goes on, but for now we just wanted to let you know about the path we are on. If you feel led to pray for us in that area, we would greatly appreciate it. We hope and pray that the Lord decided to bless us with a biological child, but we also pray for peace and courage if the answer happens to be no. Thank you all for your continued love and support throughout these seasons of life. We hope you and your families are able to enjoy this season of advent and focus on what truly matters... our Lord, our Savior, our King. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you and yours.

-Heather

A Simple Prayer

Lord, forgive my jealous heart. Help me find a way to be happy for those who receive the blessings that I so desperately long for. Continue to remind me of everything you have already blessed me with. Thank you for your unfailing love. Amen.

-Heather

"Like Friends"

A couple of weeks ago, amidst the trials and turmoil of this case, B and I were taking a walk with the pups and decided to stop at our neighborhood park for some play time. Usually I sit at a picnic table and watch the kiddos play, but that day I decided to take part in the fun. Little B ran toward the big toy and I began to chase her, following her up the stairs and down the slide. When our feet hit the bark, we both giggled with delight at how much fun sliding together had been. As we ran back to the big toy for some more fun, sweet little B stopped, looked up at me and said, "You play with me Mama?" "Yes," I said. "I play with you." "Like friends?" she said. "Yes. Just like friends," I replied. "Yay!" she shouted with delight:) That moment warmed my soul and made me realize how much I need to treasure this special relationship I have with my foster daughter. "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me." Lord, thank you for my foster children. Help me to cherish the tenderness and faithfulness of a child.

-Heather