Finally a Foster Family

For all of those who wondered, yes, we're still alive. Alive and well:) Shortly after my last post (over a month ago now... sorry...), we received a possible placement call for a sibling group of 2 and we said, "YES!" We weren't given very much information about the kids because it was an emergency placement. We had their ages and only knew 1 of their names. We were also told the reason they were being removed from their home and the rest of the details weren't available. We just trusted in our instincts and knew that if they were meant to be with us, they would be. After 5 hours of hearing nothing back, we figured we didn't get the placement and went along with our day, which included picking up my parents at the airport who were coming to visit over Easter weekend. After they arrived and we were pulling out of the airport parking lot, my phone rang and our Case Manager said, "Hey! You got the kids! We're doing placement tonight!" My mind went fuzzy and my heart skipped a beat. I couldn't believe my ears. I gave Ronnie and my parents a quick briefing on what was about to happen and realized that this was about to be a very life-changing day. Right after we got home from the airport my phone rang again. Our Case Manager informed us that they were on their way over with the kiddos as we spoke. They would be there in less than 30 minutes. WHAT?!?! I hadn't even given my mom a tour of the house and here we were expecting little kiddos to grace our presence any minute. We all prepared for the kids as best as we could. I put on a movie, prepared some snacks, and got out some stuffed animals that I had saved for our future kiddos. The rest of the day was a blur. It all happened so quickly that I can't remember every detail. I know that our little girl arrived first. She is 1 year old and absolutely beautiful. I got teary eyed the first time I laid eyes on her as they pulled her out of the car. She was breathtaking. At first she was really nervous and shy (understandably so) and it took her a little while to warm up to us. Our little boy arrived about 15 minutes later and instantly ran in to hug his sister. He was so glad to see her and I could see relief in his eyes knowing that she was here with him, safe and sound. This little guy is 4 years old and such a cutie pie. He was also pretty nervous for a while, but he quickly began feeling out his surroundings and discovering what he could play with. One of the kid's Case Workers played with the kids while Ronnie and I filled out paperwork. Over an hour went by and we were still signing documentation. It was crazy how much paper we shuffled that afternoon. My parents stayed out in the backyard with the dogs and just read for a while so that we could deal with everything going on inside. After we were done and everyone had gone, there we were. A Foster Family. Finally:) We sat down with the kiddos and explained to them that their mom wasn't able to take care of them for a little while, and during that time they were going to stay with us. Our little guy had a lot of questions and we tried to answer them as best as we could, but there is only so much you can say to a scared and confused 4 year old to help him understand. We just had to hope and trust that he would begin to adjust over time.

Having my parents here was actually the best possible scenario. At first I was disappointed that we weren't going to have any alone time with them, but God knew exactly what He was doing. I truly don't know what we would have done without Mom and Jay here when the kids arrived. They were so incredibly helpful and they had the opportunity to bond with the children during their stay. Another reminder that God's timing truly is perfect:) While Ronnie took the kids to the park for some play time, my parents and I went to Target for a last-minute shopping spree. $600 later we left with everything we thought we needed to survive at least a week with the kids. I know that sounds like a lot of money, but we did have a lot of gift cards from friends and family, plus Mom & Jay pitched in as well. It surprised me to see how much I actually needed to get for the kids. We thought we had the house prepared, but there was so much more that we actually needed. Diapers, wipes, shirts, pants, shorts, sweatshirts, dresses, pajamas, underwear, socks, shoes, Easter basket stuff, toys, food, and the list goes on and on. We had received some hand-me-downs from friends ahead of time, but unfortunately none of the sizes were what we needed for our new foster kiddos. We came home with a lot of bags and some Chick-fil-A for dinner (can I just give a little shout-out and say how much I LOVE Chick-fil-A?!) We fed some hungry kids, did bath-time, story-time, prayer-time, and bed-time. The first night with the kids actually went pretty well, surprisingly. They were still pretty nervous and didn't know why they were staying in this strange house, but they had a great night of sleep. Our little girl woke up crying a couple of times, but our little guy was so worn out that we had to actually wake him up at 10:00 the next morning because he was still sleeping. Now I know that he actually likes to wake up by 7:30, but he had a lot to sleep off those first few nights.

Easter weekend was a whirlwind. We went out to dinner (BIG mistake after just 1 day with new foster kids), did an Easter-Egg hunt, went to church, had a BBQ, went to the park, watched movies, played games, and just had some great bonding time as a family. The kids also got really attached to Mom and Jay, so it was another big transition when they had to leave the day after Easter.Luckily now the kiddos know who they are and our little guy talks about them whenever he sees them in picture frames; he even lovingly calls them "Gramma Pamma" and "Papa Jay Jay." I'm so thankful for my family and how supportive and loving they have all been throughout this process.

I truly believe that no matter how much you prepare or how "ready" you might be to have kids, nothing, I repeat NOTHING, can prepare you for that dose of reality. We have had many ups and downs as a new Foster Family and it has been 100 times more challenging than I ever would have expected. This is not to worry or scare anyone who might be looking into Foster Care themselves... there definitely are rewards during this journey, but usually not without some heartache along the way. We have now had our kiddos for a little over a month and are finally settling into a routine. Ronnie and I try to stay really consistent with the kids, and we want to give them a positive image of what a strong, loving family should look like. We are starting to see some small improvements as we continue to face major challenges. Our little girl is absolutely precious and she already feels like "ours." Our little guy has good and bad days, but he struggles with some pretty extreme behavioral and emotional issues, which we will be working through for quite a while. But we love him and are committed to see this through to the end, by the Grace of God, whether it be reunification or adoption. I really don't know how non-Christians navigate their way through Foster Care without a relationship with the Lord. It is only by His strength that we are able to get through these challenges each day and I praise God that His mercies are new every morning.

Tonight I am not going to go into great detail about what the past month has looked like. Sleep can be a little difficult to come by in this house recently, so I need to make my way up to bed shortly. I really just wanted to give you all an update on where we've been and where we are. I'm sorry for keeping you all in the dark until now; what a bad blogger I've been. I'm sure many of you parents can relate to the busyness that overcomes you once your day is centered around children. It's difficult to find time just to check my email much less type out an entire blog post. But I will do my best to try and do an update at least every two weeks to fill you all in on the new adventures of the Miller Foster Family. Thank you all for your support and prayers. Please keep them coming... we need them now more than ever!

-Heather

Adopted by God

I found this on another blog and wanted to share it with you all. Please remember that we are ALL adopted into God's Family.

-Heather

The Call

Well, it's official! We are Licensed Foster-Adoptive Parents! Hooray! This past week has been a roller coaster of emotions as we have been preparing for licensure. The ups and downs continued today as we finally received our first call for an emergency placement. My phone rang, I saw that it was our Foster Care Agency, and my heart started pounding; I knew that they were calling us for a placement. As expected, on the the other line I heard the statement, "Are you sitting down? We might have a placement for you! What would you think about taking in a 3-day-old baby boy?" Naturally I cried, "Yes!" Luckily Ronnie and I had sat down a few days prior and discussed what we were willing to say "yes" to so that we could speak for one another if necessary. So she gave me a little more information about the baby, encouraged me to get a hold of a carseat, and told me she was going to go submit our Home Study immediately. After I got off the phone with her I burst into tears. I couldn't believe the flood of emotions that came over me at that moment. I instantly began imagining our lives with this little wonder and my heart began to expand like never before. As it just so happens, my current go-to song was playing right at that very moment ("Like An Avalanche" by Hillsong United), I was in one of the kiddo's rooms preparing to fold newborn boy baby clothes given to me by my sister, and I couldn't believe the blessing that was about to come into our lives in a matter of hours. I knelt down, tears streaming down my face, and just worshipped. I praised God for this baby and thanked him for where our journey was taking us. Ronnie was due home any second, so I went outside and waited for him on the porch to deliver the good news as quickly as possible. Then the phone rang. It was the agency. Another couple had responded a few minutes quicker than we did. The baby was being placed with another family. He wasn't coming to our home. And just like that it was over. I was assured that another placement would come, possibly even tomorrow. But at that point, sorrow had already begun to fill my soul. Ronnie arrived home just as I was getting off the phone with our agency and I attempted to tell him what had just happened in the last 5 minutes of my life. He comforted me and assured me that the right kiddos will come at the right time. And in my head I know that. My heart, however, takes a bit more convincing. I don't know if it's a maternal thing, but I felt an instant connection to this child that I will never meet. Just hearing his name and knowing I may get to be his mother, even if only for a short time, filled me with more joy than I can express. Then hearing that we were too late was a pretty big blow. My emotions since that last call have been all over the place. I tried to explain it to Ronnie the only way I knew how, which makes this situation a bit more painful due to years of infertility. I told him that it felt like I got a call from my doctor telling me that he received my blood work and it shows that I am pregnant and will finally receive the long-awaited desire of my heart, only to get another call a few minutes later with him telling me that he accidently read the wrong record, and it turns out someone else is pregnant and will be receiving that blessing I've always dreamed about, sorry, better luck next time. I know that's a strange perspective, but that's how it feels. Just very raw and very real. I'm sure this journey will continue to be a roller coaster of emotions I've never experienced before, but I know that I'm up for the ride of a lifetime. And luckily I have the best husband a girl could ask for. Tonight Ronnie held me and comforted me and let me have it out, which is what I needed. Who knows, tomorrow we might be parents. But tonight, it's just us, and I'm trying to be okay with that. Lord, please continue to remind me that your plan is perfect and that you are in control. And more than anything, help me to realize that it's not about me and what I want! It's all about you and your precious children and what they need. You know what sweet little souls are supposed to be with us. Please help us to wait patiently until you bring them "home."

On the Road to Recovery...

Hello world! I want to thank you all for your prayers and well-wishes as I recover from surgery. It was performed this past Monday at Wilford Hall which is located on Lackland AFB across town. Ronnie and I arrived at 5:00 am and waited until the clinic opened at 5:15. I was registered and placed in a room right away, and Ronnie got to wait with me before I was wheeled back to the "holding arena" at about 6:15. I was sitting there alone in semi-darkness, staring head-on at another patient who was waiting for surgery, having nothing to do but wait. The traffic began to pick up after a while and I was visited by a team of people who were prepping me for surgery. The IV was successful after 2 tries and before I knew it, I hadn't a care in the world after a visit from my Anesthesiologist:) I was wheeled back to the Operating Room, greeted by my surgeon, and that's the last thing I remember. As I slowly came to after surgery, I remember being wheeled back to my recovery room, getting my vital signs, and doing some more sleeping. Before I knew it, Ronnie was by my side and I began to wake up. I had some applesauce, saltines, water and meds. My fertility specialist came into my room to give me the prognosis of my surgery. It turns out that there were no traces of Endometriosis whatsoever! Praise God! They did find some tissue in my Uterus that needed to be taken care of, so they went ahead and performed a D&C. He also found a cyst in my left ovary, so they drained that as well. So all in all, my surgery consisted of a Laparoscopy, a Hysteroscopy, a D&C, an HSG, and a Cyst Aspiration. Just glad I was asleep for all of that:) After a couple of hours I was dressed, in the car, and on my way home. When we got back, Ronnie helped me up to our room and I slept on and off for the rest of the day. Since then I have been resting and trying to get as much sleep as possible, which has been wonderful. I had one big outing to Walgreens yesterday, so that was the peak of my excitement this week. Ronnie has been doing all he can to ensure that I am comfortable and healing well... so thankful for him:) I haven't had to take any more anti-nausea pills, so I am solely on Motrin, which is great. I am still dealing with pain and fatigue, but that is to be expected. Compared to my ear surgery back in October, to help correct Otosclerosis in my left ear, this recovery has been 100 times better. Before my surgery, I prayed that my recovery would be fast and pleasant (well, as pleasant as possible:). I am so thankful that this prayer has been answered and I am on the road to healing. I am hoping that I will feel well enough to take foster kids by early next week, but I'm not planning on jumping the gun. I am giving myself time to heal and I know we will get our kiddos when the time is right. Thank you again to all of you who have partnered with us in prayer, whether for Foster Care or for my surgery. We are thankful to have you all on our team:)

-Heather

Tomorrow

Hello everyone. I want to thank you for all of your prayers during these last few days. I definitely felt constantly surrounded in prayer and I took all of your comments to heart. After much consideration, discussion, and prayer, I have decided to go ahead with our original plan and get surgery tomorrow. I know that as much as I want to help foster children, I can only be a good mom after I take care of myself first. So tomorrow morning, at 4:15 am, we leave for the hospital at Lackland AFB. I have to be there by 5:15 and my surgery is scheduled for 7:30. I should be in recovery anywhere between 9-11 am, depending on what they find and how long the surgery ends up taking. I appreciate your continued prayers and I will update you all in the next few days to let you know the diagnosis (or lack-of) post-surgery. Ronnie will be by my side tomorrow, so please feel free to contact him if you want a quick update. Thank you again for your prayers and for investing in Ronnie and me. We truly are blessed to have so many family members and friends who love and support us:)

-Heather

A Loss for Words

After a terrible night of tossing and turning, my heart is searching for the words to reflect how I feel right now. As you all know, Ronnie and I have been struggling with Infertility for the past 3.5 years. This has caused emotional pain that I never knew existed until navigating my way through it. However, we have finally gotten to the point where we know that God has called us to be parents to children who are already in the world... children of our hearts. We know we are called to do this whether or not we are ever able to have our own biological children.

Back in January we were informed that we had been accepted into the military's "Reproductive Assistance Program," which just happens to be headquartered right here in San Antonio. They accept very few couples each year, so we felt very fortunate to have been chosen, especially since the clinic is at Lackland Air Force Base, a mere 45 minute drive from our home. As we started delving more into Foster Care & Adoption Trainings, Fertility care seemed to take a back seat. I was still doing all that I was asked to do, but the office stopped returning my calls, which became increasingly frustrating. Finally after 2 months of not hearing anything back from the clinic, I decided to give it one more try then give up for good. I remember saying, "Okay God, I'm going to call one more time. If I don't get my call returned, I will take it as a sign that you are closing this door for us. I don't know why you would close it, especially since you just opened it, but we are trusting you." So, I decided to call my Specialist directly (instead of the front office) and he picked up the phone after 2 rings. I was in shock! I was just getting ready to leave a message (my final message) and here I am talking to the one person I have been trying to get a hold of for months. I explained to him my frustration with not getting my calls returned and also explained to him the severe pain I had been experiencing in my lower abdomen. Now, since there are men reading this blog, I will spare the details of the conversation. But this led us to the discussion of possible Endometriosis. If you don't know what that is, feel free to Google it, and it will explain why I may be feeling this intense pain all the time. Of course, the only way to truly diagnose Endometriosis is to have diagnostic surgery, a procedure called a Laparoscopy. This surgery is somewhat "time sensitive" and should really only happen at certain times of the month, which meant that I needed to schedule it ASAP so I could have surgery before getting Foster Kiddos. We ended up scheduling it for Monday, April 4 (yes, this coming Monday) and have been getting everything in line, full steam ahead.

As chance would have it (or maybe something other than chance), as I was at my pre-surgery appt. this past Tuesday, I heard my phone buzzing in my purse. As soon as the Nurse left the room, I checked my message. It was from our Foster Agency and they told me that they may have a possible placement for Ronnie and I. My heart skipped a beat and it took my breath away. I always knew this call would come, but I didn't expect it so soon, especially as I was gearing up to have surgery the following week. I knew there was no way I could chase around a little toddler days after this surgery, so I had to make the difficult decision to turn down the placement and inform the agency that we wouldn't be able to take any kids until at least a week after the surgery, so that I would have adequate time to heal. Well, what I didn't expect is that the very next day, yesterday, would be the day that 100 children in our area were taken out of their homes to be placed in Foster Care. This Foster Care "need" just turned into a full-blown emergency! There were so many kids that needed homes and not nearly enough Foster Homes available; even Emergency Shelters were full and turning children away because they didn't have enough room. And here I am sitting with my coffee, typing on my computer, trying to prepare for my upcoming surgery, while numerous children have nowhere safe to go. I am struggling with the urge to just cancel my surgery and say, "Yes, bring them here! Endometriosis or not, we have beds that can be filled and we have so much love to give!" I called the Agency to share with them my feelings (did I mention how much I LOVE being licensed by a Christian Foster Care Agency?) and they talked with me with love and rationality, encouraging me to stick to my plans to have my surgery, and we will all pray for a quick recovery so that we are able to accept kids into our home hopefully by next weekend. Ronnie also thinks we should stick to the original plan and get this surgery over with now, knowing that there will be plenty of children who could possibly be placed with us a week from now. I don't want to interfere with God's plan; I just wish I knew what it was. So now I am praying for wisdom that God will reveal to me what He truly wants me to do, because I don't have peace either way. I couldn't even sleep last night as I lay there, thinking about all of the sweet little souls that had nowhere safe to go last night, and wishing that there was more I could do.

Here are the questions I'm struggling with right now: God, what is going on in the world? How could this be happening? Why are there so many parents who hurt their kids? Why do these people continue to have children, yet Ronnie and I haven't been able to conceive ourselves? And where are those who are willing to step up and say, "We have room! Bring them here!" What kind of society do we live in where apparently Christianity is the dominant religion, yet so many of us are unwilling to take in orphans and other children in need? I know that not everyone feels called to Foster Care, however, why do so many people choose to ignore this crisis and stay in their comfort zones? Please Lord, burden the hearts of more people so that there will always be a safe place for a child in need.

Wow, I guess I wasn't at a loss for words at all. I think I just have too many words and I don't know how to adequately express them all. I haven't reached any sort of conclusion yet; I'm just praying that God will make it very clear to me what I should do over these next couple of days. I will update you all either way and let you know what next week should look like. Surgery or not, we should be Licensed and have children in our home within the next week or two. Ronnie and I covet your prayers during this unsettling time.

-Heather

The Home Study

Home Study? Check! It's actually been about 3 weeks since we had our Home Study, but I somehow didn't prioritize a blog post about this extremely important step to becoming Licensed Foster-Adoptive Parents! For those of you who have gone through this, you know what a relief it is to have it finally put behind you. For those of you who are still awaiting your Home Study, I want to encourage you and let you know that it's not nearly as scary as it seems! I was so incredibly nervous before our Case Manager came to our house. Ronnie will tell you that I was less than enjoyable as I ran around the house checking and re-checking every insignificant corner of the house to make sure that it was spotless. I wanted our home to look welcoming and cozy, but not sterile. I also wanted it to look obviously lived-in, but not messy. I was an uptight mess and I am so thankful to have a patient husband who puts up with my compulsive OCD behavior at times. Here is the story of our Study.

Our Case Manager arrived and I nervously welcomed him in to our house. We had met him a few times in the past at our agency's functions, so I was thankful that he was a familiar face. He instantly put us at ease and explained the process of how the Home Study was going to go. We all poured ourselves some coffee and got ready for what we knew was going to be quite the evening. First he sat down with me and interviewed me one-on-one for about an hour and 15 minutes. This usually goes faster, but I can be a talker, so I'm sure I gave way more information than I actually needed to. Ronnie's personal interview followed and was a shorter 45 minutes, which I expected. Next he spoke with both of us and gave us each an opportunity to answer questions pertaining to our marriage and how we handle various situations. I will tell you that all of the questions the Case Manager asks go very deep and get very personal. While some of them are hard to discuss at times, I know that they are necessary so that the agency can really get to know their Foster Families and paint a very clear picture of each individual person, including what roles their pasts have played in helping them become who they are today. The C.M. also gave us some great resources that other Foster Families use, depending on the issues they may be faced with when receiving Foster Children in their home. He made the question/answer process go very smoothly and we were thankful for a positive experience.

After the intense interview process, we gave our Case Manager a tour of the house. He looked for various details, such as outlet covers, a weapons safe, and fire escape plans posted in each room. He also compared each room with the copy of our home floor plan that we had provided the agency with ahead of time. He assured us that we had taken all of the right steps to prepare our home for children, including have the kids' bedrooms set up and ready. At one point, he commented that our home looked "immaculate," and I was so thankful that he was happy with what he saw and thankful for what God has blessed us with so that we can in turn bless His children. Our C.M. also thought it was humorous that so many families take so much time to clean their house so intensely before his arrival. He said that while the home should be clean, he's looking for so many other things aside from dust and dirt. He's ensuring that the home environment is ready to bring children into so that they have a safe place to heal and belong, whether the carpets are vacuumed or not. I suddenly felt ridiculous for previously ensuring that the hand towel looked perfect hanging in the guest bathroom. His comments really put me in my place as I thought about what else I could do in our home to prepare... not just to ensure that it's clean, but that it's ready to be a hospital for children's hearts. What a reality check.

Next our Case Manager needed to observe us doing an activity together, so we chose to cook dinner. We tried to act naturally as someone sat and watched our every move, watched how we spoke to each other, interacted with each other, and helped each other with a common task. Of course, we were on our best behavior and made sure that we were treating each other with respect, but also quietly laughing, realizing how ridiculous it felt to have someone watch us make dinner. After the dinner was done, we sat down and asked our C.M. some questions about what to expect after the Home Study. Those questions turned into an additional 45 minutes (again, I'm a talker...), so by the time we got to our Spaghetti dinner, it was cold and mushy, not to mention unappetizing because of some new soy-based noodles we were using that turned out to be disgusting. From start to finish, our Home Study lasted about 5 hours. I know. We said good-bye to the C.M., took a deep breath, and hugged each other out of pure relief. Our Home Study was done. The one thing we were nervously anticipating was over, and we were one step closer to becoming parents. Wow.

Since then the Home Study has been typed up, we have 2 more documents to turn into our agency, and we should be licensed within the next couple of weeks! I'll send out an update once we find out we are licensed, then we should be getting kiddos soon after. Unfortunately, there is a great need in this area, as they receive multiple calls a day for Foster placements in San Antonio. Now we are just praying for those children who are enduring abuse or neglect at this very moment and will be placed in our home in a matter of weeks. Lord, place your loving hand of protection over these children. Prepare our home and our hearts for their hurting souls so that we can give them a place to heal and experience the miracle of Your unfailing love. Amen.

-Heather