The Twins

Yes, we have twins. And they are crazy. Or maybe we are just crazy for saying "yes" when our agency called us needing a placement for a set of 2-year old twin boys. When we decided to take Q and J in, we were still recovering from the loss of our first set of foster kiddos, J and B. And while we still miss our first kids, these boys didn't give us another minute to mourn. They have filled each and every day with their presence and keep us busier than we ever cared to be. I lovingly refer to them as "double trouble" because, well, that is exactly what they are. Now, don't get me wrong, they have their moments where they melt my heart and take every negative thought away with their sweet little smiles. Then one of them throws a toy at my head and the other one is climbing on the coffee table and the warm fuzzies instantly disappear. I'm sure that what I am experiencing is what every parent experiences from time to time, especially parents of toddlers. Even though we have had the boys for almost 6 weeks, I think I'm just still getting used to having complete and utter chaos abiding in my home for the duration of my waking hours. I'm sure as soon as the boys leave our home, I'll only remember the happy times, much like my memories of our first kiddos (who were a challenge to say the least). But for now, it is really just hard work and I am finally beginning to see what I am made of as a mother.

The boys are in the process of being adopted by a family and we are just a temporary home before they are legally released from the state's care. So we will have to say good-bye to them in a few more weeks, which is definitely bittersweet. It was supposed to be a 30-day placement, which then turned into a 60-day placement, which is now turning into an unknown time frame. We just know that we have the boys now and we are trying desperately to make some sort of positive influence while they are in our home. It's difficult trying to teach a 2-year-old about Jesus, trying to figure out what they are able to comprehend at this young age. We are teaching them about praying to God before every meal and before bedtime. I sing songs with them everyday, such as the classic "Jesus Loves Me." We take them to church and they have a lot of interaction with Christian families. Also, when we take walks, we point out the trees and the sun and the birds and talk about all of the beautiful things that God has created. Is any of it sinking in? I really don't know. I just try to do as much as I can, not knowing what kind of home they are going to be growing up in. I know that we can only do as much as we can do, then we have to leave the rest up to the Lord.

As crazy as life is right now, I still praise God for the journey he is taking Ronnie and I on. It's not easy and it's not glamorous, but we continue to be obedient, never knowing what the next day is going to hold. I'd rather answer his calling today than just plan on doing it tomorrow. We are not guaranteed tomorrow. We are only guaranteed this very moment. So this very moment I choose to be a Foster Parent, I choose to bless the name of the Lord, and I choose to trust in God's plan for my life. I honestly believe that if I can handle a daily dose of twins, I can handle just about anything. Bring it on:)

-Heather

From Here Until Maternity...

I thought it would be important to give you all a Fertility update, as I noticed our entire blog has solely focused on Foster Care. Don't get me wrong, we are still passionate about our call to Foster Care, but we are also passionate about hopefully having biological children as well. And just as I mentioned months ago, we will continue to walk through open doors until they are closed. We feel that God has given us the opportunity to pursue Foster Care and fertility treatments simultaneously, so that is precisely what we are doing.

A few weeks ago Ronnie and I went through our first round of IntraUterine Insemination (IUI for those of you familiar with IF lingo:). Without going into too much detail, most of you probably know that these treatments follow a timeline and there is a detailed process we had to go through. The first day of my cycle occurred the day after our first set of foster kiddos, J and B, left our home. Not only was I mourning the loss of my foster angels, then my monthly "friend" had to come and make that situation 10 times more emotional. However, Ronnie and I both felt God telling us that it was time to take that next step in our fertility journey. We questioned the timing and figured that now was just as good a time as any. We began the process that included early morning lab work (driving 45 minutes to the other side of the city at 5:45am), trans-vaginal ultrasounds (it's as bad as it sounds), double doses of Clomid (if you've been there, you feel my pain), and an at-home hormone injection (enough said). Finally the day came for the procedure. This was not the most comfortable procedure, for either Ronnie or me, but we got through it and played the waiting game for 2 weeks. Those weeks were filled with a lot of anticipation and hope... more hope than we have had for a long time. I began having some symptoms and truly felt deep down inside that I was pregnant. Ronnie made me promise to wait to take an at-home pregnancy test until the 2-week mark, just as our fertility specialist directed. So finally the morning that we had been waiting for came. And before I could even open the box, I saw that I was starting my period. I was devastated. I knew that this procedure was not a guarantee and I knew that there was only a 30% chance that it would even be successful. But regardless of the statistics, I held out hope. That day, my hopes were once again crushed as I realized that I wasn't pregnant after all. It wasn't a new feeling, in fact, it's a feeling all too familiar. I have had so many of those days that I don't even know what I would do with myself if I actually ever was pregnant. I hope and pray that someday I get to experience that feeling of utter shock and complete joy. But right now I am continuing to mourn and move past "what could have been." Luckily I'm not alone. This was difficult for Ronnie as well and I am thankful to be going through this with him. I am choosing to embrace my reality as a Foster Mom and trying to give thanks in all circumstances.

Ronnie and I have discussed the possibility of going through another round of IUI, but for now we are taking a break. As much of a toll that the preparation took on my body, emotionally it's a lot to go through as well. As I was sitting in one of the patient rooms at the military fertility clinic while preparing for the IUI, I saw a poster on the wall that said, "From Here Until Maternity." I thought, "Wow, what a clever play on words." But the more I think about it, that statement represents so many women who are trying desperately to have their "own" biological children. It is such a dark and painful road to travel; it's a pain that no one can claim to feel unless you have walked that road yourself. But I began to realize that I don't want "Maternity" to be the only option for my destination. I know that I will be a mother, whether or not I ever get pregnant or give birth. But I want my life to be so much more than Motherhood. Being a mother is important to me, but it is no longer the ultimate goal of my life. What I truly desire is for my life to reflect the life of Christ, as a mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend, coworker, citizen, human being. "From Here Until ETERNITY"... I think that message would be a little more encouraging on a fertility clinic poster, don't you?

-Heather

Gone

And just as quickly as they came, they were gone. Our precious little Foster Kiddos, J and B, left our home to live with their Grandmother 2 weeks ago. I haven't yet posted for the sole reason that it has been a difficult grieving process losing them, and I couldn't bring myself to write about it. I'm sorry to have left all of you in the dark, but I wanted to share our experience, as it is a very common story for many parents who choose to foster.

Wednesday started like any other day. The kids woke me up earlier than I would have liked, we had breakfast, went on a walk, played with some toys, had lunch, and the kids went down for a nap. During their nap I received a call from our Case Manager, which was expected since there was to be a court hearing that day. I figured she would tell me the permanency plan and how long we should expect to have the kids. Little did I know that that time was coming to a close. Unbeknownst to us, there was a grandmother in the picture who was willing to take custody of both children. The judge approved her Home Study and ordered the children to be removed from Foster Care immediately and taken to Grandma's. When my Case Manager told me this, I was in shock. I literally couldn't believe was I was hearing. I couldn't catch my breath, I started shaking, and I started to sob uncontrollably. The entire experience still feels a little bit like a dream, or maybe "nightmare" would be a better word to describe it. I had to wake the kids up from their nap, explain to them what was happening, and pack them each a bag with their clothes and belongings. I called Ronnie and told him to come home from work immediately because I couldn't do this alone. I tried to hold myself together and stay positive because I knew that the kids would be glad to see their Grandma; when little J asked why I was crying, I explained to him that I was so excited that he got to go live with Grandma, but that I was just sad because I was going to miss him and B. Very uncharacteristically, he then told me, "I will miss you too, Miss Heather." My heart shattered and I held onto him as tight as I ever have, trying to hold myself together in the process. Ronnie got home shortly thereafter and helped me pack because all I could bring myself to do was hold Baby B in my arms, walking around in a daze. Then we heard the doorbell and a random CPS worker was there to take away the kids. We took a minute to sit down and pray with the kids, crying out to God to protect them and guide them all the days of their lives. After that it was time to say good-bye. It broke my heart to buckle our kiddos into a strange man's car, close the door, and watch them drive away, knowing we may never see them again. Tears still come to my eyes when I think about it. All in all we had the children in our home for 6 weeks. For those who are unfamiliar with Foster Care, it may not seem that long. For those of you who have Fostered, you know the intense bonds that can be formed in that amount of time. It literally felt like someone was taking my children away and I didn't know how my heart would ever heal.

These past 2 weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions. We weren't given much time to grieve because we had Ronnie's "little brother" from Big Brothers/Big Sisters in NM come to visit us the very next day. He was coming for his summer vacation and was going to be with us for 10 days. We were excited to see him, but we knew that our spirits weren't exactly welcoming at the moment. But as always, God's timing is perfect. He knew that we needed a Little Bro to fill our house with a child's voice so that we wouldn't be too lonely. And He knew that we needed a 9-year-old energetic child to love in order to fill that void of losing J and B. As difficult as God's timing can be, I take heart in the fact that I can trust in His plan. His plan truly is perfect. We continue to mourn the loss of our first Foster Kiddos, but now our role as their parents ends and the role of their prayer warriors begins.

Ronnie and I thought that we were going to need some time to heal before taking in more kids. Enter: God. Again, He had some children in mind that He wanted in our home. 2 of them. Twins to be exact:) 5 days after J and B left, we got a call for a placement and felt God telling us to say "Yes." So, we obeyed and said "Yes!" The next morning our agency brought over a set of 2-year-old twin boys, J and Q. We knew up front that this was going to be a short-term placement, which was good. In my opinion, it's much easier to know what to expect going into a placement situation, but we also realize that nothing is ever 100%. The plan (for now) is for the boys to be placed in an adoptive home. There is a family who is planning on adopting them and their 3 older siblings, so the boys are staying with us as a temporary placement until they can go to their new adoptive home. There is a chance that this family can change their mind, in which case, the kids' Case Worker would have to start from square one to find an adoptive home for all 5 kids. In that case, we would be keeping the boys much longer. But for now, we have twins. Life is busy, but life is good. Ronnie and I are continuing to learn a lot through this process and we find our trust in the Lord deepening with every challenging experience. It is truly by His guidance and grace that we make it through each day. Thank you, Lord, for your redeeming love.

-Heather

Finally a Foster Family

For all of those who wondered, yes, we're still alive. Alive and well:) Shortly after my last post (over a month ago now... sorry...), we received a possible placement call for a sibling group of 2 and we said, "YES!" We weren't given very much information about the kids because it was an emergency placement. We had their ages and only knew 1 of their names. We were also told the reason they were being removed from their home and the rest of the details weren't available. We just trusted in our instincts and knew that if they were meant to be with us, they would be. After 5 hours of hearing nothing back, we figured we didn't get the placement and went along with our day, which included picking up my parents at the airport who were coming to visit over Easter weekend. After they arrived and we were pulling out of the airport parking lot, my phone rang and our Case Manager said, "Hey! You got the kids! We're doing placement tonight!" My mind went fuzzy and my heart skipped a beat. I couldn't believe my ears. I gave Ronnie and my parents a quick briefing on what was about to happen and realized that this was about to be a very life-changing day. Right after we got home from the airport my phone rang again. Our Case Manager informed us that they were on their way over with the kiddos as we spoke. They would be there in less than 30 minutes. WHAT?!?! I hadn't even given my mom a tour of the house and here we were expecting little kiddos to grace our presence any minute. We all prepared for the kids as best as we could. I put on a movie, prepared some snacks, and got out some stuffed animals that I had saved for our future kiddos. The rest of the day was a blur. It all happened so quickly that I can't remember every detail. I know that our little girl arrived first. She is 1 year old and absolutely beautiful. I got teary eyed the first time I laid eyes on her as they pulled her out of the car. She was breathtaking. At first she was really nervous and shy (understandably so) and it took her a little while to warm up to us. Our little boy arrived about 15 minutes later and instantly ran in to hug his sister. He was so glad to see her and I could see relief in his eyes knowing that she was here with him, safe and sound. This little guy is 4 years old and such a cutie pie. He was also pretty nervous for a while, but he quickly began feeling out his surroundings and discovering what he could play with. One of the kid's Case Workers played with the kids while Ronnie and I filled out paperwork. Over an hour went by and we were still signing documentation. It was crazy how much paper we shuffled that afternoon. My parents stayed out in the backyard with the dogs and just read for a while so that we could deal with everything going on inside. After we were done and everyone had gone, there we were. A Foster Family. Finally:) We sat down with the kiddos and explained to them that their mom wasn't able to take care of them for a little while, and during that time they were going to stay with us. Our little guy had a lot of questions and we tried to answer them as best as we could, but there is only so much you can say to a scared and confused 4 year old to help him understand. We just had to hope and trust that he would begin to adjust over time.

Having my parents here was actually the best possible scenario. At first I was disappointed that we weren't going to have any alone time with them, but God knew exactly what He was doing. I truly don't know what we would have done without Mom and Jay here when the kids arrived. They were so incredibly helpful and they had the opportunity to bond with the children during their stay. Another reminder that God's timing truly is perfect:) While Ronnie took the kids to the park for some play time, my parents and I went to Target for a last-minute shopping spree. $600 later we left with everything we thought we needed to survive at least a week with the kids. I know that sounds like a lot of money, but we did have a lot of gift cards from friends and family, plus Mom & Jay pitched in as well. It surprised me to see how much I actually needed to get for the kids. We thought we had the house prepared, but there was so much more that we actually needed. Diapers, wipes, shirts, pants, shorts, sweatshirts, dresses, pajamas, underwear, socks, shoes, Easter basket stuff, toys, food, and the list goes on and on. We had received some hand-me-downs from friends ahead of time, but unfortunately none of the sizes were what we needed for our new foster kiddos. We came home with a lot of bags and some Chick-fil-A for dinner (can I just give a little shout-out and say how much I LOVE Chick-fil-A?!) We fed some hungry kids, did bath-time, story-time, prayer-time, and bed-time. The first night with the kids actually went pretty well, surprisingly. They were still pretty nervous and didn't know why they were staying in this strange house, but they had a great night of sleep. Our little girl woke up crying a couple of times, but our little guy was so worn out that we had to actually wake him up at 10:00 the next morning because he was still sleeping. Now I know that he actually likes to wake up by 7:30, but he had a lot to sleep off those first few nights.

Easter weekend was a whirlwind. We went out to dinner (BIG mistake after just 1 day with new foster kids), did an Easter-Egg hunt, went to church, had a BBQ, went to the park, watched movies, played games, and just had some great bonding time as a family. The kids also got really attached to Mom and Jay, so it was another big transition when they had to leave the day after Easter.Luckily now the kiddos know who they are and our little guy talks about them whenever he sees them in picture frames; he even lovingly calls them "Gramma Pamma" and "Papa Jay Jay." I'm so thankful for my family and how supportive and loving they have all been throughout this process.

I truly believe that no matter how much you prepare or how "ready" you might be to have kids, nothing, I repeat NOTHING, can prepare you for that dose of reality. We have had many ups and downs as a new Foster Family and it has been 100 times more challenging than I ever would have expected. This is not to worry or scare anyone who might be looking into Foster Care themselves... there definitely are rewards during this journey, but usually not without some heartache along the way. We have now had our kiddos for a little over a month and are finally settling into a routine. Ronnie and I try to stay really consistent with the kids, and we want to give them a positive image of what a strong, loving family should look like. We are starting to see some small improvements as we continue to face major challenges. Our little girl is absolutely precious and she already feels like "ours." Our little guy has good and bad days, but he struggles with some pretty extreme behavioral and emotional issues, which we will be working through for quite a while. But we love him and are committed to see this through to the end, by the Grace of God, whether it be reunification or adoption. I really don't know how non-Christians navigate their way through Foster Care without a relationship with the Lord. It is only by His strength that we are able to get through these challenges each day and I praise God that His mercies are new every morning.

Tonight I am not going to go into great detail about what the past month has looked like. Sleep can be a little difficult to come by in this house recently, so I need to make my way up to bed shortly. I really just wanted to give you all an update on where we've been and where we are. I'm sorry for keeping you all in the dark until now; what a bad blogger I've been. I'm sure many of you parents can relate to the busyness that overcomes you once your day is centered around children. It's difficult to find time just to check my email much less type out an entire blog post. But I will do my best to try and do an update at least every two weeks to fill you all in on the new adventures of the Miller Foster Family. Thank you all for your support and prayers. Please keep them coming... we need them now more than ever!

-Heather

Adopted by God

I found this on another blog and wanted to share it with you all. Please remember that we are ALL adopted into God's Family.

-Heather

The Call

Well, it's official! We are Licensed Foster-Adoptive Parents! Hooray! This past week has been a roller coaster of emotions as we have been preparing for licensure. The ups and downs continued today as we finally received our first call for an emergency placement. My phone rang, I saw that it was our Foster Care Agency, and my heart started pounding; I knew that they were calling us for a placement. As expected, on the the other line I heard the statement, "Are you sitting down? We might have a placement for you! What would you think about taking in a 3-day-old baby boy?" Naturally I cried, "Yes!" Luckily Ronnie and I had sat down a few days prior and discussed what we were willing to say "yes" to so that we could speak for one another if necessary. So she gave me a little more information about the baby, encouraged me to get a hold of a carseat, and told me she was going to go submit our Home Study immediately. After I got off the phone with her I burst into tears. I couldn't believe the flood of emotions that came over me at that moment. I instantly began imagining our lives with this little wonder and my heart began to expand like never before. As it just so happens, my current go-to song was playing right at that very moment ("Like An Avalanche" by Hillsong United), I was in one of the kiddo's rooms preparing to fold newborn boy baby clothes given to me by my sister, and I couldn't believe the blessing that was about to come into our lives in a matter of hours. I knelt down, tears streaming down my face, and just worshipped. I praised God for this baby and thanked him for where our journey was taking us. Ronnie was due home any second, so I went outside and waited for him on the porch to deliver the good news as quickly as possible. Then the phone rang. It was the agency. Another couple had responded a few minutes quicker than we did. The baby was being placed with another family. He wasn't coming to our home. And just like that it was over. I was assured that another placement would come, possibly even tomorrow. But at that point, sorrow had already begun to fill my soul. Ronnie arrived home just as I was getting off the phone with our agency and I attempted to tell him what had just happened in the last 5 minutes of my life. He comforted me and assured me that the right kiddos will come at the right time. And in my head I know that. My heart, however, takes a bit more convincing. I don't know if it's a maternal thing, but I felt an instant connection to this child that I will never meet. Just hearing his name and knowing I may get to be his mother, even if only for a short time, filled me with more joy than I can express. Then hearing that we were too late was a pretty big blow. My emotions since that last call have been all over the place. I tried to explain it to Ronnie the only way I knew how, which makes this situation a bit more painful due to years of infertility. I told him that it felt like I got a call from my doctor telling me that he received my blood work and it shows that I am pregnant and will finally receive the long-awaited desire of my heart, only to get another call a few minutes later with him telling me that he accidently read the wrong record, and it turns out someone else is pregnant and will be receiving that blessing I've always dreamed about, sorry, better luck next time. I know that's a strange perspective, but that's how it feels. Just very raw and very real. I'm sure this journey will continue to be a roller coaster of emotions I've never experienced before, but I know that I'm up for the ride of a lifetime. And luckily I have the best husband a girl could ask for. Tonight Ronnie held me and comforted me and let me have it out, which is what I needed. Who knows, tomorrow we might be parents. But tonight, it's just us, and I'm trying to be okay with that. Lord, please continue to remind me that your plan is perfect and that you are in control. And more than anything, help me to realize that it's not about me and what I want! It's all about you and your precious children and what they need. You know what sweet little souls are supposed to be with us. Please help us to wait patiently until you bring them "home."

On the Road to Recovery...

Hello world! I want to thank you all for your prayers and well-wishes as I recover from surgery. It was performed this past Monday at Wilford Hall which is located on Lackland AFB across town. Ronnie and I arrived at 5:00 am and waited until the clinic opened at 5:15. I was registered and placed in a room right away, and Ronnie got to wait with me before I was wheeled back to the "holding arena" at about 6:15. I was sitting there alone in semi-darkness, staring head-on at another patient who was waiting for surgery, having nothing to do but wait. The traffic began to pick up after a while and I was visited by a team of people who were prepping me for surgery. The IV was successful after 2 tries and before I knew it, I hadn't a care in the world after a visit from my Anesthesiologist:) I was wheeled back to the Operating Room, greeted by my surgeon, and that's the last thing I remember. As I slowly came to after surgery, I remember being wheeled back to my recovery room, getting my vital signs, and doing some more sleeping. Before I knew it, Ronnie was by my side and I began to wake up. I had some applesauce, saltines, water and meds. My fertility specialist came into my room to give me the prognosis of my surgery. It turns out that there were no traces of Endometriosis whatsoever! Praise God! They did find some tissue in my Uterus that needed to be taken care of, so they went ahead and performed a D&C. He also found a cyst in my left ovary, so they drained that as well. So all in all, my surgery consisted of a Laparoscopy, a Hysteroscopy, a D&C, an HSG, and a Cyst Aspiration. Just glad I was asleep for all of that:) After a couple of hours I was dressed, in the car, and on my way home. When we got back, Ronnie helped me up to our room and I slept on and off for the rest of the day. Since then I have been resting and trying to get as much sleep as possible, which has been wonderful. I had one big outing to Walgreens yesterday, so that was the peak of my excitement this week. Ronnie has been doing all he can to ensure that I am comfortable and healing well... so thankful for him:) I haven't had to take any more anti-nausea pills, so I am solely on Motrin, which is great. I am still dealing with pain and fatigue, but that is to be expected. Compared to my ear surgery back in October, to help correct Otosclerosis in my left ear, this recovery has been 100 times better. Before my surgery, I prayed that my recovery would be fast and pleasant (well, as pleasant as possible:). I am so thankful that this prayer has been answered and I am on the road to healing. I am hoping that I will feel well enough to take foster kids by early next week, but I'm not planning on jumping the gun. I am giving myself time to heal and I know we will get our kiddos when the time is right. Thank you again to all of you who have partnered with us in prayer, whether for Foster Care or for my surgery. We are thankful to have you all on our team:)

-Heather