It's official, folks. I am 30 years old. I can't say that I was happy to ring in a new decade. In fact, turning 30 was incredibly difficult for me. I tried to grin and bear it, but it has been a tough reality to face. It's strange to think that my 20's are actually over. I remember how exciting it was to turn 20 (or maybe 21:), and how "grown-up" I felt at the time. I made a lot of interesting decisions in my 20's... some of which I'm proud of, and some I'm not-so-proud of. I met my future husband when I was 20 years old and I believe that one of the best decisions I ever made was to marry him:) He truly is a gift to me and I'm so thankful that God brought him into my life.
When Ronnie got married, I felt so lucky that I accomplished one of the things that I had planned for my life, which was to marry young. I figured that the rest of my plan would just naturally fall into place, as it seemingly did for so many around me. I had a vision of what my life would look like by the time I turned 30 (which felt like an ETERNITY away...), and I honestly never expected anything different. I know that probably sounds like a naive point of view; looking back now, I see how young love truly makes you think that anything in life is possible. Little did I know that just 3 short years later, I would step into an unknown world called Infertility. Growing up, I never knew anyone with Infertility. Or shall I say, I never realized that Infertility was even a part of life. I now know that Infertility was actually around me all the while. My mother struggled with Infertility for 4 years before she conceived my oldest sister. Two of my aunts battled secondary Infertility. A woman I babysat for adopted after the inability to conceive. If I had only known then what I know now...
As a young girl, I had an image that life would be a series of events: you grow up, graduate from high school, go to college, meet the man of your dreams, get married, get a job, get a dog, have kids, live happily ever after. I believe most little girls have this fairy-tale image of life, only to later realize that life is anything but a Disney movie. Just the other day I stumbled across a copy of my wedding invitations which had the following quote scripted at the top of the page: "Sometimes, right in the middle of an ordinary life, love gives you a fairy-tale." (Simulate throw-up sound here). I literally tossed the invitation aside after I read that, disgusted at the lie that message sends, and also feeling completely idiotic for choosing THE cheesiest quote of all time for my wedding invitation. I then flashed back to the joy I experienced on my wedding day, 7 years ago, and how the future seemed so bright with opportunity. I literally felt like anything was possible as long as Ronnie was by my side.
Ronnie and I got married young, had great jobs, got 2 dogs and started trying to have a "family." Now here we are, 5 years into our journey with Infertility, without the one thing that now seems almost unachievable. The one thing so many people take for granted as just the "next step" in life. As I say this, I also realize that I would have easily taken the process of conception for granted, had I simply gotten pregnant like so many friends I know and love. After experiencing the deep, dark depths of Infertility, and studying the entire reproductive system, I am now absolutely amazed at the true miracle of conception, how everything has to come together at the just the right time and in just the right way. I don't want to get too graphic about baby-making; I just want to emphasize how beautiful the creation of life is, and how much more beautiful is the Ultimate Creator.
Turning 30 has become a time to reminisce and reflect. I checked out my old MySpace page yesterday (*throwback!*), which I hadn't done in probably 3 years. Interestingly enough, it still plays the song I had originally placed on my page after experiencing my first year of Infertility. The song is entitled "Sufficient" by Adie Camp (wife of Jeremy Camp). I forgot how much I loved this song, and how it helped me find the adequate words to cry out toward the beginning of this painful Infertility journey. If you haven't heard this song, I encourage you to download it and add it to your playlist, no matter what you may be struggling with. It's an incredible reminder of how sufficient God's strength and peace are in the midst of our weakness.
I think the hardest thing about turning 30 is what I had envisioned my life to look like at this point. As it turns out, my life isn't at all how I had pictured it. And that is okay. For the first time in a long time, I am truly able to say that it's okay. I am a blessed woman and have much to be thankful for. Yes, I wish I had a baby and I still desire that with all of my heart. But I desire my God more. Giving my life over to Him means that I am no longer my own. I was bought at a price. Lord, have your way in me. I trust you with my life. You are sufficient.
-Heather
