A lot has changed since I last posted. Actually, everything has changed. Our life is very different and I know it will never be the same. WE will never be the same.
J and B are no longer with us. I know I should have posted about this months ago, but honestly, I couldn't bring myself to type out what was actually going on in our lives. Words were not adequate at the time, and I am just starting to properly form them now. Ronnie and I are trying to adjust to the "new normal" in our house. Unfortunately J had to leave us mid-October in an emergency removal. Without going into too much detail, his behaviors were such that our home environment had eroded into a toxic environment for everyone. After confronting him about an issue one day after school, he ended up throwing a monstrous, violent fit that quickly became a danger to all those involved. He left us that night and we have not seen him since. That was not necessarily by choice... it was something we were advised to do at the time and it did not play out how I would have liked it to. Nevertheless, those were the circumstances and he is safely placed in a new foster home, one that is adequate for moderate-level children, I believe. We love him and miss him, but know now that our role in his life is no longer to parent him, but to continue to pray for him. I would ask you all to do the same. He is going to face a lot of challenges in his life and needs a community of people praying for him to overcome.
B is also gone. This I am still greatly struggling with. Her father and grandmother finished all of their requirements by the state and were able to regain custody of her. She left us on the afternoon of Halloween, her pink princess dress and castle candy bag in tow. I will never forget the way her bottom lip quivered and a single tear fell out of her eye after we placed her in the CASA worker's car seat and said our last goodbye. I can hardly type out these words without falling apart. I hope never to say goodbye to my child like that again. My heart breaks for those foster parents and foster children who created strong bonds, only to have them pulled apart without knowing whether they would ever see each other again. Luckily Ronnie and I are able to stay in contact with B's grandmother because we were able to form a positive relationship; I am thankful for that and hope to get to hear about little B and hopefully see her one day in the future. My heart aches for her everyday, especially now in the Christmas season. Please continue to pray for little B as well.
As for Ronnie and I, we have decided that our season of Foster Parenting is over. After J's removal, we faced a lot of negative challenges while dealing with the CPS Department, and we realized that we can no longer continue down this path. This is saddening, however, we are thankful for the time that we had as Foster Parents and I hope and pray we were able to provide some sort of positivity to the 4 lives that we were entrusted with over the past year and half. We are attempting to go back to "normal," knowing that "normal" no longer exists and realizing that both Ronnie and I have changed throughout this process. We are enjoying have more time to ourselves, but still find ourselves talking about the children at times and missing them often.
On another note, Ronnie and I have decided to continue with fertility treatments. While we don't know what the future holds, we are both excited and optimistic about the possibilities. I will write more on the fertility front as time goes on, but for now we just wanted to let you know about the path we are on. If you feel led to pray for us in that area, we would greatly appreciate it. We hope and pray that the Lord decided to bless us with a biological child, but we also pray for peace and courage if the answer happens to be no. Thank you all for your continued love and support throughout these seasons of life. We hope you and your families are able to enjoy this season of advent and focus on what truly matters... our Lord, our Savior, our King. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you and yours.
-Heather
