Today was definitely a mixture of emotions. This morning I got a phone call from the CASA worker who oversaw our case when we were foster parenting J and B. The CASA worker is truly a wonderful person and I cannot imagine going through our fostering experience without her. She was always there for us, but more importantly, she was always there for the children and advocated on their behalf as much as possible. Unfortunately we were both displeased at how the case ended, and neither of us have quite recovered since. I had called her last week to inform her that I had some of J's educational paperwork that I felt needed to be passed on to his new case worker. The CASA worker was calling me back to confirm that she finally got a hold of the new case worker (the 5th one assigned to this case over the past few years...) and gave me her contact information so that I could pass the paperwork along. We got to chatting about the children and while she didn't necessarily have an update for me, we both spoke about how difficult it has been trying to get past the situation. While we do have good memories of the children, they are also laced with a lot of bad memories, especially when we imagine what their lives possibly look like now. As we ended our conversation, we both agreed that while we are both officially "off the case" and are no longer allowed to know anything about the children, we would both commit to continually pray for J and B. After all, that is all we can do at this point, and I am certain that they need our prayers now more than ever.
After that phone call, a wave of sadness came over me. I began thinking about how much I missed them both and how my heart ached over losing them to the injustice of this system. Every time I see a picture of their sweet little faces, or hear a song that one of them used to sing and dance to, or every time I find another article of clothing or special toy that belonged to them, a sense of loss takes over. Sometimes I am able to find the joy behind the memories, but many times I just feel sadness. I believe that while time will continue to heal the pain, I know that I will love them and miss them forever. Lord, please continue to heal and protect those precious little souls.
I was trying to keep my sad thoughts at bay all morning and afternoon. I met a friend for lunch, ran some errands and got a haircut. I tried to go about normal life while wondering what J and B were doing at every moment. Then I remembered that a very dear friend of mine, Lora, was at a nearby hospital where she had just given birth to her first baby the night before. Ronnie and I had previously discussed going to visit them tonight, but I had forgotten all about it. All of the sudden, excitement and anticipation came over me, taking the place of the grief I had been experiencing all day. I couldn't wait to visit this new little family of 3. I called a friend to ensure that Lora was ready for visitors and made a plan with Ronnie to visit them after dinner.
This evening we traveled to the hospital with a box of Krispy Kreme donuts in hand and we got to visit baby Jake for the very first time. He was absolutely perfect. He was sleeping soundly and peacefully, and I found myself in awe at his beauty and innocence. This was the first time I have held a newborn baby since becoming pregnant, and it was definitely a different experience. It wasn't filled with the bittersweet emotions that it has been for many years passed. It was filled with a new sense of hope and wonder. I felt joy flood over me and I imagined what it would be like when I finally held my 2 newborn babies for the first time. As I passed the baby over to Ronnie, I could see the same expression on his face. I knew we were experiencing the same emotions and it was a very special moment. I am so thrilled for Lora and her husband Jonathan, and I continue to be amazed at the beautiful miracle of life. God, to you be all the glory for the great things you have done.
I began my day filled with sadness and loss, and now I am ending my day with joy and hope. It's amazing how we are able to experience such a wide range of emotions in only one day's time. I anticipate many more highs and lows throughout this pregnancy. But for now I feel at peace, and I am going to bed reveling in the recent memory of holding a brand-new precious life in my arms:)
