A Loss for Words

After a terrible night of tossing and turning, my heart is searching for the words to reflect how I feel right now. As you all know, Ronnie and I have been struggling with Infertility for the past 3.5 years. This has caused emotional pain that I never knew existed until navigating my way through it. However, we have finally gotten to the point where we know that God has called us to be parents to children who are already in the world... children of our hearts. We know we are called to do this whether or not we are ever able to have our own biological children.

Back in January we were informed that we had been accepted into the military's "Reproductive Assistance Program," which just happens to be headquartered right here in San Antonio. They accept very few couples each year, so we felt very fortunate to have been chosen, especially since the clinic is at Lackland Air Force Base, a mere 45 minute drive from our home. As we started delving more into Foster Care & Adoption Trainings, Fertility care seemed to take a back seat. I was still doing all that I was asked to do, but the office stopped returning my calls, which became increasingly frustrating. Finally after 2 months of not hearing anything back from the clinic, I decided to give it one more try then give up for good. I remember saying, "Okay God, I'm going to call one more time. If I don't get my call returned, I will take it as a sign that you are closing this door for us. I don't know why you would close it, especially since you just opened it, but we are trusting you." So, I decided to call my Specialist directly (instead of the front office) and he picked up the phone after 2 rings. I was in shock! I was just getting ready to leave a message (my final message) and here I am talking to the one person I have been trying to get a hold of for months. I explained to him my frustration with not getting my calls returned and also explained to him the severe pain I had been experiencing in my lower abdomen. Now, since there are men reading this blog, I will spare the details of the conversation. But this led us to the discussion of possible Endometriosis. If you don't know what that is, feel free to Google it, and it will explain why I may be feeling this intense pain all the time. Of course, the only way to truly diagnose Endometriosis is to have diagnostic surgery, a procedure called a Laparoscopy. This surgery is somewhat "time sensitive" and should really only happen at certain times of the month, which meant that I needed to schedule it ASAP so I could have surgery before getting Foster Kiddos. We ended up scheduling it for Monday, April 4 (yes, this coming Monday) and have been getting everything in line, full steam ahead.

As chance would have it (or maybe something other than chance), as I was at my pre-surgery appt. this past Tuesday, I heard my phone buzzing in my purse. As soon as the Nurse left the room, I checked my message. It was from our Foster Agency and they told me that they may have a possible placement for Ronnie and I. My heart skipped a beat and it took my breath away. I always knew this call would come, but I didn't expect it so soon, especially as I was gearing up to have surgery the following week. I knew there was no way I could chase around a little toddler days after this surgery, so I had to make the difficult decision to turn down the placement and inform the agency that we wouldn't be able to take any kids until at least a week after the surgery, so that I would have adequate time to heal. Well, what I didn't expect is that the very next day, yesterday, would be the day that 100 children in our area were taken out of their homes to be placed in Foster Care. This Foster Care "need" just turned into a full-blown emergency! There were so many kids that needed homes and not nearly enough Foster Homes available; even Emergency Shelters were full and turning children away because they didn't have enough room. And here I am sitting with my coffee, typing on my computer, trying to prepare for my upcoming surgery, while numerous children have nowhere safe to go. I am struggling with the urge to just cancel my surgery and say, "Yes, bring them here! Endometriosis or not, we have beds that can be filled and we have so much love to give!" I called the Agency to share with them my feelings (did I mention how much I LOVE being licensed by a Christian Foster Care Agency?) and they talked with me with love and rationality, encouraging me to stick to my plans to have my surgery, and we will all pray for a quick recovery so that we are able to accept kids into our home hopefully by next weekend. Ronnie also thinks we should stick to the original plan and get this surgery over with now, knowing that there will be plenty of children who could possibly be placed with us a week from now. I don't want to interfere with God's plan; I just wish I knew what it was. So now I am praying for wisdom that God will reveal to me what He truly wants me to do, because I don't have peace either way. I couldn't even sleep last night as I lay there, thinking about all of the sweet little souls that had nowhere safe to go last night, and wishing that there was more I could do.

Here are the questions I'm struggling with right now: God, what is going on in the world? How could this be happening? Why are there so many parents who hurt their kids? Why do these people continue to have children, yet Ronnie and I haven't been able to conceive ourselves? And where are those who are willing to step up and say, "We have room! Bring them here!" What kind of society do we live in where apparently Christianity is the dominant religion, yet so many of us are unwilling to take in orphans and other children in need? I know that not everyone feels called to Foster Care, however, why do so many people choose to ignore this crisis and stay in their comfort zones? Please Lord, burden the hearts of more people so that there will always be a safe place for a child in need.

Wow, I guess I wasn't at a loss for words at all. I think I just have too many words and I don't know how to adequately express them all. I haven't reached any sort of conclusion yet; I'm just praying that God will make it very clear to me what I should do over these next couple of days. I will update you all either way and let you know what next week should look like. Surgery or not, we should be Licensed and have children in our home within the next week or two. Ronnie and I covet your prayers during this unsettling time.

-Heather

The Home Study

Home Study? Check! It's actually been about 3 weeks since we had our Home Study, but I somehow didn't prioritize a blog post about this extremely important step to becoming Licensed Foster-Adoptive Parents! For those of you who have gone through this, you know what a relief it is to have it finally put behind you. For those of you who are still awaiting your Home Study, I want to encourage you and let you know that it's not nearly as scary as it seems! I was so incredibly nervous before our Case Manager came to our house. Ronnie will tell you that I was less than enjoyable as I ran around the house checking and re-checking every insignificant corner of the house to make sure that it was spotless. I wanted our home to look welcoming and cozy, but not sterile. I also wanted it to look obviously lived-in, but not messy. I was an uptight mess and I am so thankful to have a patient husband who puts up with my compulsive OCD behavior at times. Here is the story of our Study.

Our Case Manager arrived and I nervously welcomed him in to our house. We had met him a few times in the past at our agency's functions, so I was thankful that he was a familiar face. He instantly put us at ease and explained the process of how the Home Study was going to go. We all poured ourselves some coffee and got ready for what we knew was going to be quite the evening. First he sat down with me and interviewed me one-on-one for about an hour and 15 minutes. This usually goes faster, but I can be a talker, so I'm sure I gave way more information than I actually needed to. Ronnie's personal interview followed and was a shorter 45 minutes, which I expected. Next he spoke with both of us and gave us each an opportunity to answer questions pertaining to our marriage and how we handle various situations. I will tell you that all of the questions the Case Manager asks go very deep and get very personal. While some of them are hard to discuss at times, I know that they are necessary so that the agency can really get to know their Foster Families and paint a very clear picture of each individual person, including what roles their pasts have played in helping them become who they are today. The C.M. also gave us some great resources that other Foster Families use, depending on the issues they may be faced with when receiving Foster Children in their home. He made the question/answer process go very smoothly and we were thankful for a positive experience.

After the intense interview process, we gave our Case Manager a tour of the house. He looked for various details, such as outlet covers, a weapons safe, and fire escape plans posted in each room. He also compared each room with the copy of our home floor plan that we had provided the agency with ahead of time. He assured us that we had taken all of the right steps to prepare our home for children, including have the kids' bedrooms set up and ready. At one point, he commented that our home looked "immaculate," and I was so thankful that he was happy with what he saw and thankful for what God has blessed us with so that we can in turn bless His children. Our C.M. also thought it was humorous that so many families take so much time to clean their house so intensely before his arrival. He said that while the home should be clean, he's looking for so many other things aside from dust and dirt. He's ensuring that the home environment is ready to bring children into so that they have a safe place to heal and belong, whether the carpets are vacuumed or not. I suddenly felt ridiculous for previously ensuring that the hand towel looked perfect hanging in the guest bathroom. His comments really put me in my place as I thought about what else I could do in our home to prepare... not just to ensure that it's clean, but that it's ready to be a hospital for children's hearts. What a reality check.

Next our Case Manager needed to observe us doing an activity together, so we chose to cook dinner. We tried to act naturally as someone sat and watched our every move, watched how we spoke to each other, interacted with each other, and helped each other with a common task. Of course, we were on our best behavior and made sure that we were treating each other with respect, but also quietly laughing, realizing how ridiculous it felt to have someone watch us make dinner. After the dinner was done, we sat down and asked our C.M. some questions about what to expect after the Home Study. Those questions turned into an additional 45 minutes (again, I'm a talker...), so by the time we got to our Spaghetti dinner, it was cold and mushy, not to mention unappetizing because of some new soy-based noodles we were using that turned out to be disgusting. From start to finish, our Home Study lasted about 5 hours. I know. We said good-bye to the C.M., took a deep breath, and hugged each other out of pure relief. Our Home Study was done. The one thing we were nervously anticipating was over, and we were one step closer to becoming parents. Wow.

Since then the Home Study has been typed up, we have 2 more documents to turn into our agency, and we should be licensed within the next couple of weeks! I'll send out an update once we find out we are licensed, then we should be getting kiddos soon after. Unfortunately, there is a great need in this area, as they receive multiple calls a day for Foster placements in San Antonio. Now we are just praying for those children who are enduring abuse or neglect at this very moment and will be placed in our home in a matter of weeks. Lord, place your loving hand of protection over these children. Prepare our home and our hearts for their hurting souls so that we can give them a place to heal and experience the miracle of Your unfailing love. Amen.

-Heather

Failure Is Not An Option

Wow, I'm sorry that it's been so long since I've given you all an update! Bronchitis, numerous trainings, and family visits have kept me a bit occupied, but now it's time to sit down and fill you all in on our continuing journey. Due to recent conversations I've had with some people, I feel as though I need to clarify something that is weighing heavily on my heart... Ronnie and I did not choose Foster Care as an easy and glamorous lifestyle. We are not doing this just to become parents. Nor are we doing this with the thought that we can change our minds if it gets too challenging. There is no "return policy" for these kids, as one person so rudely suggested. They are not appliances. They are not hamsters. They are not dollar store items. They are CHILDREN! They are human beings! They are God's precious miracles that have survived tremendous tragedy and lived to tell the tale. We should feel HONORED to be the ones who take in these hurting souls and give them a place to heal. These kids need all of the love and support we can give them, no matter how daunting it may seem. And here's the thing... we are merely weeks away from becoming licensed Foster-Adoptive Parents. Now is NOT the time to question us about our choices or try to get us to change our minds. This is what WE have chosen for US and, quite frankly, what a lot of others should also choose to do, if only they were brave enough to take that leap of faith. While we do have room for children, we do not have room for naysayers. We do not need people's criticism, we need their encouragement. We KNOW that this is what God has put upon our hearts, so we ask that you please keep your negativity to yourselves and surround us with prayer as we enter this new world. God has called us to do this, so we KNOW He will equip us with everything we need along the way. We are not expecting it to be easy and we are not expecting anything from these children in return. They are not here to meet our needs, we are here to meet theirs. We are doing this for the love of God's Children. Period. And for now, that's all I have to say.

-Heather

Interaction

Ronnie and I are going through a wonderful Agency to help us along this journey toward Foster Adoption. They are a Christian Agency that helps families, like ourselves, prepare to become licensed Foster and Adoptive Parents. This Agency has been there every step of the way and is really helping us to get licensed as quickly as possible. Part of their requirements for families are doing "interactive hours" with Foster and Adoptive Children. Just as student teachers do interactive hours with students before they start teaching, I think it's just as important for prospective Foster Families to have some interaction with actual Foster Kids before they become licensed and bring these kids into their homes. Last weekend we each did our first 5 hours with about 25 Foster Kids and it was a blast:) We got to play with the kiddos, do arts & crafts, take them to the park, feed them dinner, and help rock some babies to sleep. We were definitely exhausted by the end of the night, but it was worth it. There was one baby in particular that absolutely loved Ronnie. He started out holding her at the beginning of the night and she was in Heaven:) In fact, she wouldn't let anyone else hold her the rest of the evening, myself included. It was fun to watch him talking to her, playing with her and rocking her to sleep. It was such a beautiful image and I can't wait to see him as a father. This weekend we have another event to earn more interactive hours. We'll be playing outdoor sports, carnival games, and having a picnic with other Foster Families and their kiddos. Should be lots of fun!

Onto other news... our Home Study is scheduled for NEXT WEEK! We have almost everything ready in our house for the Study, but we still need to buy another bed, 3 mattresses and 2 trundle mattresses. Wow, that's a bit much, isn't it... We covet your prayers as we enter into this next week. The Home Study is such an important step in this process and we are so thankful that we already have it scheduled. It should be at least 3-4 hours and from what I hear, it's pretty intense. But we're really looking forward to it and hope that our Caseworker is happy with what he/she observes in our home. I will make sure and update everyone after the Home Study is completed next week, and I'll also post some pictures once the bedrooms are decorated as well.

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend. As for us, we have some more preparing to do, so we better get to it!

-Heather