A Loss for Words

After a terrible night of tossing and turning, my heart is searching for the words to reflect how I feel right now. As you all know, Ronnie and I have been struggling with Infertility for the past 3.5 years. This has caused emotional pain that I never knew existed until navigating my way through it. However, we have finally gotten to the point where we know that God has called us to be parents to children who are already in the world... children of our hearts. We know we are called to do this whether or not we are ever able to have our own biological children.

Back in January we were informed that we had been accepted into the military's "Reproductive Assistance Program," which just happens to be headquartered right here in San Antonio. They accept very few couples each year, so we felt very fortunate to have been chosen, especially since the clinic is at Lackland Air Force Base, a mere 45 minute drive from our home. As we started delving more into Foster Care & Adoption Trainings, Fertility care seemed to take a back seat. I was still doing all that I was asked to do, but the office stopped returning my calls, which became increasingly frustrating. Finally after 2 months of not hearing anything back from the clinic, I decided to give it one more try then give up for good. I remember saying, "Okay God, I'm going to call one more time. If I don't get my call returned, I will take it as a sign that you are closing this door for us. I don't know why you would close it, especially since you just opened it, but we are trusting you." So, I decided to call my Specialist directly (instead of the front office) and he picked up the phone after 2 rings. I was in shock! I was just getting ready to leave a message (my final message) and here I am talking to the one person I have been trying to get a hold of for months. I explained to him my frustration with not getting my calls returned and also explained to him the severe pain I had been experiencing in my lower abdomen. Now, since there are men reading this blog, I will spare the details of the conversation. But this led us to the discussion of possible Endometriosis. If you don't know what that is, feel free to Google it, and it will explain why I may be feeling this intense pain all the time. Of course, the only way to truly diagnose Endometriosis is to have diagnostic surgery, a procedure called a Laparoscopy. This surgery is somewhat "time sensitive" and should really only happen at certain times of the month, which meant that I needed to schedule it ASAP so I could have surgery before getting Foster Kiddos. We ended up scheduling it for Monday, April 4 (yes, this coming Monday) and have been getting everything in line, full steam ahead.

As chance would have it (or maybe something other than chance), as I was at my pre-surgery appt. this past Tuesday, I heard my phone buzzing in my purse. As soon as the Nurse left the room, I checked my message. It was from our Foster Agency and they told me that they may have a possible placement for Ronnie and I. My heart skipped a beat and it took my breath away. I always knew this call would come, but I didn't expect it so soon, especially as I was gearing up to have surgery the following week. I knew there was no way I could chase around a little toddler days after this surgery, so I had to make the difficult decision to turn down the placement and inform the agency that we wouldn't be able to take any kids until at least a week after the surgery, so that I would have adequate time to heal. Well, what I didn't expect is that the very next day, yesterday, would be the day that 100 children in our area were taken out of their homes to be placed in Foster Care. This Foster Care "need" just turned into a full-blown emergency! There were so many kids that needed homes and not nearly enough Foster Homes available; even Emergency Shelters were full and turning children away because they didn't have enough room. And here I am sitting with my coffee, typing on my computer, trying to prepare for my upcoming surgery, while numerous children have nowhere safe to go. I am struggling with the urge to just cancel my surgery and say, "Yes, bring them here! Endometriosis or not, we have beds that can be filled and we have so much love to give!" I called the Agency to share with them my feelings (did I mention how much I LOVE being licensed by a Christian Foster Care Agency?) and they talked with me with love and rationality, encouraging me to stick to my plans to have my surgery, and we will all pray for a quick recovery so that we are able to accept kids into our home hopefully by next weekend. Ronnie also thinks we should stick to the original plan and get this surgery over with now, knowing that there will be plenty of children who could possibly be placed with us a week from now. I don't want to interfere with God's plan; I just wish I knew what it was. So now I am praying for wisdom that God will reveal to me what He truly wants me to do, because I don't have peace either way. I couldn't even sleep last night as I lay there, thinking about all of the sweet little souls that had nowhere safe to go last night, and wishing that there was more I could do.

Here are the questions I'm struggling with right now: God, what is going on in the world? How could this be happening? Why are there so many parents who hurt their kids? Why do these people continue to have children, yet Ronnie and I haven't been able to conceive ourselves? And where are those who are willing to step up and say, "We have room! Bring them here!" What kind of society do we live in where apparently Christianity is the dominant religion, yet so many of us are unwilling to take in orphans and other children in need? I know that not everyone feels called to Foster Care, however, why do so many people choose to ignore this crisis and stay in their comfort zones? Please Lord, burden the hearts of more people so that there will always be a safe place for a child in need.

Wow, I guess I wasn't at a loss for words at all. I think I just have too many words and I don't know how to adequately express them all. I haven't reached any sort of conclusion yet; I'm just praying that God will make it very clear to me what I should do over these next couple of days. I will update you all either way and let you know what next week should look like. Surgery or not, we should be Licensed and have children in our home within the next week or two. Ronnie and I covet your prayers during this unsettling time.

-Heather