The Call

Well, it's official! We are Licensed Foster-Adoptive Parents! Hooray! This past week has been a roller coaster of emotions as we have been preparing for licensure. The ups and downs continued today as we finally received our first call for an emergency placement. My phone rang, I saw that it was our Foster Care Agency, and my heart started pounding; I knew that they were calling us for a placement. As expected, on the the other line I heard the statement, "Are you sitting down? We might have a placement for you! What would you think about taking in a 3-day-old baby boy?" Naturally I cried, "Yes!" Luckily Ronnie and I had sat down a few days prior and discussed what we were willing to say "yes" to so that we could speak for one another if necessary. So she gave me a little more information about the baby, encouraged me to get a hold of a carseat, and told me she was going to go submit our Home Study immediately. After I got off the phone with her I burst into tears. I couldn't believe the flood of emotions that came over me at that moment. I instantly began imagining our lives with this little wonder and my heart began to expand like never before. As it just so happens, my current go-to song was playing right at that very moment ("Like An Avalanche" by Hillsong United), I was in one of the kiddo's rooms preparing to fold newborn boy baby clothes given to me by my sister, and I couldn't believe the blessing that was about to come into our lives in a matter of hours. I knelt down, tears streaming down my face, and just worshipped. I praised God for this baby and thanked him for where our journey was taking us. Ronnie was due home any second, so I went outside and waited for him on the porch to deliver the good news as quickly as possible. Then the phone rang. It was the agency. Another couple had responded a few minutes quicker than we did. The baby was being placed with another family. He wasn't coming to our home. And just like that it was over. I was assured that another placement would come, possibly even tomorrow. But at that point, sorrow had already begun to fill my soul. Ronnie arrived home just as I was getting off the phone with our agency and I attempted to tell him what had just happened in the last 5 minutes of my life. He comforted me and assured me that the right kiddos will come at the right time. And in my head I know that. My heart, however, takes a bit more convincing. I don't know if it's a maternal thing, but I felt an instant connection to this child that I will never meet. Just hearing his name and knowing I may get to be his mother, even if only for a short time, filled me with more joy than I can express. Then hearing that we were too late was a pretty big blow. My emotions since that last call have been all over the place. I tried to explain it to Ronnie the only way I knew how, which makes this situation a bit more painful due to years of infertility. I told him that it felt like I got a call from my doctor telling me that he received my blood work and it shows that I am pregnant and will finally receive the long-awaited desire of my heart, only to get another call a few minutes later with him telling me that he accidently read the wrong record, and it turns out someone else is pregnant and will be receiving that blessing I've always dreamed about, sorry, better luck next time. I know that's a strange perspective, but that's how it feels. Just very raw and very real. I'm sure this journey will continue to be a roller coaster of emotions I've never experienced before, but I know that I'm up for the ride of a lifetime. And luckily I have the best husband a girl could ask for. Tonight Ronnie held me and comforted me and let me have it out, which is what I needed. Who knows, tomorrow we might be parents. But tonight, it's just us, and I'm trying to be okay with that. Lord, please continue to remind me that your plan is perfect and that you are in control. And more than anything, help me to realize that it's not about me and what I want! It's all about you and your precious children and what they need. You know what sweet little souls are supposed to be with us. Please help us to wait patiently until you bring them "home."