The Twins

Yes, we have twins. And they are crazy. Or maybe we are just crazy for saying "yes" when our agency called us needing a placement for a set of 2-year old twin boys. When we decided to take Q and J in, we were still recovering from the loss of our first set of foster kiddos, J and B. And while we still miss our first kids, these boys didn't give us another minute to mourn. They have filled each and every day with their presence and keep us busier than we ever cared to be. I lovingly refer to them as "double trouble" because, well, that is exactly what they are. Now, don't get me wrong, they have their moments where they melt my heart and take every negative thought away with their sweet little smiles. Then one of them throws a toy at my head and the other one is climbing on the coffee table and the warm fuzzies instantly disappear. I'm sure that what I am experiencing is what every parent experiences from time to time, especially parents of toddlers. Even though we have had the boys for almost 6 weeks, I think I'm just still getting used to having complete and utter chaos abiding in my home for the duration of my waking hours. I'm sure as soon as the boys leave our home, I'll only remember the happy times, much like my memories of our first kiddos (who were a challenge to say the least). But for now, it is really just hard work and I am finally beginning to see what I am made of as a mother.

The boys are in the process of being adopted by a family and we are just a temporary home before they are legally released from the state's care. So we will have to say good-bye to them in a few more weeks, which is definitely bittersweet. It was supposed to be a 30-day placement, which then turned into a 60-day placement, which is now turning into an unknown time frame. We just know that we have the boys now and we are trying desperately to make some sort of positive influence while they are in our home. It's difficult trying to teach a 2-year-old about Jesus, trying to figure out what they are able to comprehend at this young age. We are teaching them about praying to God before every meal and before bedtime. I sing songs with them everyday, such as the classic "Jesus Loves Me." We take them to church and they have a lot of interaction with Christian families. Also, when we take walks, we point out the trees and the sun and the birds and talk about all of the beautiful things that God has created. Is any of it sinking in? I really don't know. I just try to do as much as I can, not knowing what kind of home they are going to be growing up in. I know that we can only do as much as we can do, then we have to leave the rest up to the Lord.

As crazy as life is right now, I still praise God for the journey he is taking Ronnie and I on. It's not easy and it's not glamorous, but we continue to be obedient, never knowing what the next day is going to hold. I'd rather answer his calling today than just plan on doing it tomorrow. We are not guaranteed tomorrow. We are only guaranteed this very moment. So this very moment I choose to be a Foster Parent, I choose to bless the name of the Lord, and I choose to trust in God's plan for my life. I honestly believe that if I can handle a daily dose of twins, I can handle just about anything. Bring it on:)

-Heather

From Here Until Maternity...

I thought it would be important to give you all a Fertility update, as I noticed our entire blog has solely focused on Foster Care. Don't get me wrong, we are still passionate about our call to Foster Care, but we are also passionate about hopefully having biological children as well. And just as I mentioned months ago, we will continue to walk through open doors until they are closed. We feel that God has given us the opportunity to pursue Foster Care and fertility treatments simultaneously, so that is precisely what we are doing.

A few weeks ago Ronnie and I went through our first round of IntraUterine Insemination (IUI for those of you familiar with IF lingo:). Without going into too much detail, most of you probably know that these treatments follow a timeline and there is a detailed process we had to go through. The first day of my cycle occurred the day after our first set of foster kiddos, J and B, left our home. Not only was I mourning the loss of my foster angels, then my monthly "friend" had to come and make that situation 10 times more emotional. However, Ronnie and I both felt God telling us that it was time to take that next step in our fertility journey. We questioned the timing and figured that now was just as good a time as any. We began the process that included early morning lab work (driving 45 minutes to the other side of the city at 5:45am), trans-vaginal ultrasounds (it's as bad as it sounds), double doses of Clomid (if you've been there, you feel my pain), and an at-home hormone injection (enough said). Finally the day came for the procedure. This was not the most comfortable procedure, for either Ronnie or me, but we got through it and played the waiting game for 2 weeks. Those weeks were filled with a lot of anticipation and hope... more hope than we have had for a long time. I began having some symptoms and truly felt deep down inside that I was pregnant. Ronnie made me promise to wait to take an at-home pregnancy test until the 2-week mark, just as our fertility specialist directed. So finally the morning that we had been waiting for came. And before I could even open the box, I saw that I was starting my period. I was devastated. I knew that this procedure was not a guarantee and I knew that there was only a 30% chance that it would even be successful. But regardless of the statistics, I held out hope. That day, my hopes were once again crushed as I realized that I wasn't pregnant after all. It wasn't a new feeling, in fact, it's a feeling all too familiar. I have had so many of those days that I don't even know what I would do with myself if I actually ever was pregnant. I hope and pray that someday I get to experience that feeling of utter shock and complete joy. But right now I am continuing to mourn and move past "what could have been." Luckily I'm not alone. This was difficult for Ronnie as well and I am thankful to be going through this with him. I am choosing to embrace my reality as a Foster Mom and trying to give thanks in all circumstances.

Ronnie and I have discussed the possibility of going through another round of IUI, but for now we are taking a break. As much of a toll that the preparation took on my body, emotionally it's a lot to go through as well. As I was sitting in one of the patient rooms at the military fertility clinic while preparing for the IUI, I saw a poster on the wall that said, "From Here Until Maternity." I thought, "Wow, what a clever play on words." But the more I think about it, that statement represents so many women who are trying desperately to have their "own" biological children. It is such a dark and painful road to travel; it's a pain that no one can claim to feel unless you have walked that road yourself. But I began to realize that I don't want "Maternity" to be the only option for my destination. I know that I will be a mother, whether or not I ever get pregnant or give birth. But I want my life to be so much more than Motherhood. Being a mother is important to me, but it is no longer the ultimate goal of my life. What I truly desire is for my life to reflect the life of Christ, as a mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend, coworker, citizen, human being. "From Here Until ETERNITY"... I think that message would be a little more encouraging on a fertility clinic poster, don't you?

-Heather