From Here Until Maternity...

I thought it would be important to give you all a Fertility update, as I noticed our entire blog has solely focused on Foster Care. Don't get me wrong, we are still passionate about our call to Foster Care, but we are also passionate about hopefully having biological children as well. And just as I mentioned months ago, we will continue to walk through open doors until they are closed. We feel that God has given us the opportunity to pursue Foster Care and fertility treatments simultaneously, so that is precisely what we are doing.

A few weeks ago Ronnie and I went through our first round of IntraUterine Insemination (IUI for those of you familiar with IF lingo:). Without going into too much detail, most of you probably know that these treatments follow a timeline and there is a detailed process we had to go through. The first day of my cycle occurred the day after our first set of foster kiddos, J and B, left our home. Not only was I mourning the loss of my foster angels, then my monthly "friend" had to come and make that situation 10 times more emotional. However, Ronnie and I both felt God telling us that it was time to take that next step in our fertility journey. We questioned the timing and figured that now was just as good a time as any. We began the process that included early morning lab work (driving 45 minutes to the other side of the city at 5:45am), trans-vaginal ultrasounds (it's as bad as it sounds), double doses of Clomid (if you've been there, you feel my pain), and an at-home hormone injection (enough said). Finally the day came for the procedure. This was not the most comfortable procedure, for either Ronnie or me, but we got through it and played the waiting game for 2 weeks. Those weeks were filled with a lot of anticipation and hope... more hope than we have had for a long time. I began having some symptoms and truly felt deep down inside that I was pregnant. Ronnie made me promise to wait to take an at-home pregnancy test until the 2-week mark, just as our fertility specialist directed. So finally the morning that we had been waiting for came. And before I could even open the box, I saw that I was starting my period. I was devastated. I knew that this procedure was not a guarantee and I knew that there was only a 30% chance that it would even be successful. But regardless of the statistics, I held out hope. That day, my hopes were once again crushed as I realized that I wasn't pregnant after all. It wasn't a new feeling, in fact, it's a feeling all too familiar. I have had so many of those days that I don't even know what I would do with myself if I actually ever was pregnant. I hope and pray that someday I get to experience that feeling of utter shock and complete joy. But right now I am continuing to mourn and move past "what could have been." Luckily I'm not alone. This was difficult for Ronnie as well and I am thankful to be going through this with him. I am choosing to embrace my reality as a Foster Mom and trying to give thanks in all circumstances.

Ronnie and I have discussed the possibility of going through another round of IUI, but for now we are taking a break. As much of a toll that the preparation took on my body, emotionally it's a lot to go through as well. As I was sitting in one of the patient rooms at the military fertility clinic while preparing for the IUI, I saw a poster on the wall that said, "From Here Until Maternity." I thought, "Wow, what a clever play on words." But the more I think about it, that statement represents so many women who are trying desperately to have their "own" biological children. It is such a dark and painful road to travel; it's a pain that no one can claim to feel unless you have walked that road yourself. But I began to realize that I don't want "Maternity" to be the only option for my destination. I know that I will be a mother, whether or not I ever get pregnant or give birth. But I want my life to be so much more than Motherhood. Being a mother is important to me, but it is no longer the ultimate goal of my life. What I truly desire is for my life to reflect the life of Christ, as a mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend, coworker, citizen, human being. "From Here Until ETERNITY"... I think that message would be a little more encouraging on a fertility clinic poster, don't you?

-Heather