For those of you who don't know, the twins are in a new home. What was supposed to be a 2-week placement quickly turned into at least 4 weeks, then at least 6 weeks, then at least 2 months, then at least (realistically) 3-4 months. As you can see, things aren't always as they seem in this broken foster care system. And even though you may be quoted a specific time frame for your placement, you truly never know how long you are going to have the children. After initially hearing that the twins would be a short-term placement, I began making plans to visit my family over a 4-week time period, long after the twins would be placed in their adoptive home. There were 2 weddings and family reunion back in the Northwest that I really wanted to be present for, so I decided I would set off on a cross-country trip by myself and have some much-needed alone time. But as the boys' placement continued to be extended, I began to realize that I was going to have to make a decision: either we would have to find a new home for the boys or I was going to have to cancel my trip. Now, I know that the most honorable answer would be, "Cancel the trip! Why even consider otherwise?!" However, having 2 year old twins took quite a toll on Ronnie and I as a couple. As adorable as the boys were, they completely and utterly exhausted us in every possible way. By the end of each day, I was physically, spiritually and emotionally drained, as was Ronnie. Many children who come into the Foster Care system have a strained background, and these boys were, sadly, exposed to some trauma early-on that had affected their growth and development. It does not make them any less lovable than other children, it just usually means there are more challenges to overcome, aside from the typical day-to-day challenges of raising toddlers.
To make matters more strenuous, Ronnie and I had very limited time together. When doing Foster Care, the only people able to watch your foster kiddos have to be First Aid/CPR certified, TB tested and background-checked. This obviously restricted many people from being able to watch our kids, and it's very easy to burn-out the few people who do meet those criteria and are able (and willing) to take them so that Ronnie and I could have some alone time together. So, in our 3 months of foster parenting, we had 3 dates away from the kids. Going from "just Ronnie and Heather" for 6 years to being thrown 2-year-old twin boys was a bit much for us to handle. We not only lost our alone time, Ronnie was starting to fall behind in school. Ronnie is a full-time student for the military in the Army Baylor Physical Therapy Program; he is getting his Doctor of Physical Therapy degree in a very condensed time-frame, and he needs a lot of time to study. After doing Foster Care for 3 months, we still could not figure out how to balance time for him to get his much-needed study time in each day. He would have to leave the house and head to work early, stay late, go to coffee shops to study on the weekends, and try to absorb as much information as possible in this extremely demanding program. It just wasn't cutting it. We were both at our wits end and we knew the only solution to our sanity was the one thing we didn't want to do... find the boys a new home.
The last thing we wanted was to create an even more unstable situation for these children who had been moved from home to home to home over their 2 short years of life. But we knew that we couldn't possibly continue to give them what they needed when Ronnie and I were each suffering individually and as a couple. It was really taking a toll on our marriage and we needed to re-strengthen that if we were going to be strong enough for any other children in the future. The boys having to leave our home was inevitable, which gave us some solace. However, the guilt that came with making that decision is still something I have to battle on a daily basis. Their case worker was very gracious and understanding. She thanked us for the love we had given them and said that she believed we were doing the right thing, assuring us that the boys were going to be okay. Our agency wasn't exactly thrilled about our decision to find the boys a new home, but I know they love us and support us no matter what we decide to do in the future regarding Foster Care. I have to try and remember that Foster Care Agencies have a job to do and that job is ensuring that children in need have safe, loving homes. And I also need to remember that I have to take the time and ensure that my home, my marriage, and my relationship with God are all strong enough to handle those kiddos who will come in and turn my life upside-down, for better or worse:)
The boys have been gone for almost 2 months now, and it still amazes me how deafening the sound of silence can be. My house had been filled with laughter and crying and yelling and excitement and chaos for 3 months. Now it's just me and my dogs. And it is uncomfortably quiet. I keep the TV on a lot just to keep me company while I'm cleaning, doing laundry, organizing, cooking, and doing other chores around the house to keep myself busy. I do miss the sound of J & B (our first foster kiddos) playing make-believe with Buzz Lightyear and Woody. Or watching them dance to the music while they watch the movie "Tangled." Or laughing outside while chasing Ronnie in the backyard. And I do miss Q&J (our second foster kiddos) yelling "fishy!" every time they caught a puzzle-piece fish with their magnetic pole. Or hearing them splash around in the bathtub with toy boats. Or pushing them around in my beloved double stroller as we walked around the neighborhood. I really do miss it all. But I have to trust that for now I am right where God wants me to be... in the midst of silence so that I can hear Him more clearly.
I believe Ronnie and I will continue with Foster Care, but for now, we are taking a break working on "us." And how wonderful that has been:) I have truly fallen in love with my husband all over again and I am incredibly thankful that he is my partner in this crazy life. And as for that 4 week trip up north? I did end up going, and like to refer to it as my "soul vacation," which I will update you on in my next blog. Thank you all for your support as we navigate our way through this Foster-Adoptive journey. We love you all and are blessed to have you in our lives. Until next time...
-Heather
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