Gone

And just as quickly as they came, they were gone. Our precious little Foster Kiddos, J and B, left our home to live with their Grandmother 2 weeks ago. I haven't yet posted for the sole reason that it has been a difficult grieving process losing them, and I couldn't bring myself to write about it. I'm sorry to have left all of you in the dark, but I wanted to share our experience, as it is a very common story for many parents who choose to foster.

Wednesday started like any other day. The kids woke me up earlier than I would have liked, we had breakfast, went on a walk, played with some toys, had lunch, and the kids went down for a nap. During their nap I received a call from our Case Manager, which was expected since there was to be a court hearing that day. I figured she would tell me the permanency plan and how long we should expect to have the kids. Little did I know that that time was coming to a close. Unbeknownst to us, there was a grandmother in the picture who was willing to take custody of both children. The judge approved her Home Study and ordered the children to be removed from Foster Care immediately and taken to Grandma's. When my Case Manager told me this, I was in shock. I literally couldn't believe was I was hearing. I couldn't catch my breath, I started shaking, and I started to sob uncontrollably. The entire experience still feels a little bit like a dream, or maybe "nightmare" would be a better word to describe it. I had to wake the kids up from their nap, explain to them what was happening, and pack them each a bag with their clothes and belongings. I called Ronnie and told him to come home from work immediately because I couldn't do this alone. I tried to hold myself together and stay positive because I knew that the kids would be glad to see their Grandma; when little J asked why I was crying, I explained to him that I was so excited that he got to go live with Grandma, but that I was just sad because I was going to miss him and B. Very uncharacteristically, he then told me, "I will miss you too, Miss Heather." My heart shattered and I held onto him as tight as I ever have, trying to hold myself together in the process. Ronnie got home shortly thereafter and helped me pack because all I could bring myself to do was hold Baby B in my arms, walking around in a daze. Then we heard the doorbell and a random CPS worker was there to take away the kids. We took a minute to sit down and pray with the kids, crying out to God to protect them and guide them all the days of their lives. After that it was time to say good-bye. It broke my heart to buckle our kiddos into a strange man's car, close the door, and watch them drive away, knowing we may never see them again. Tears still come to my eyes when I think about it. All in all we had the children in our home for 6 weeks. For those who are unfamiliar with Foster Care, it may not seem that long. For those of you who have Fostered, you know the intense bonds that can be formed in that amount of time. It literally felt like someone was taking my children away and I didn't know how my heart would ever heal.

These past 2 weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions. We weren't given much time to grieve because we had Ronnie's "little brother" from Big Brothers/Big Sisters in NM come to visit us the very next day. He was coming for his summer vacation and was going to be with us for 10 days. We were excited to see him, but we knew that our spirits weren't exactly welcoming at the moment. But as always, God's timing is perfect. He knew that we needed a Little Bro to fill our house with a child's voice so that we wouldn't be too lonely. And He knew that we needed a 9-year-old energetic child to love in order to fill that void of losing J and B. As difficult as God's timing can be, I take heart in the fact that I can trust in His plan. His plan truly is perfect. We continue to mourn the loss of our first Foster Kiddos, but now our role as their parents ends and the role of their prayer warriors begins.

Ronnie and I thought that we were going to need some time to heal before taking in more kids. Enter: God. Again, He had some children in mind that He wanted in our home. 2 of them. Twins to be exact:) 5 days after J and B left, we got a call for a placement and felt God telling us to say "Yes." So, we obeyed and said "Yes!" The next morning our agency brought over a set of 2-year-old twin boys, J and Q. We knew up front that this was going to be a short-term placement, which was good. In my opinion, it's much easier to know what to expect going into a placement situation, but we also realize that nothing is ever 100%. The plan (for now) is for the boys to be placed in an adoptive home. There is a family who is planning on adopting them and their 3 older siblings, so the boys are staying with us as a temporary placement until they can go to their new adoptive home. There is a chance that this family can change their mind, in which case, the kids' Case Worker would have to start from square one to find an adoptive home for all 5 kids. In that case, we would be keeping the boys much longer. But for now, we have twins. Life is busy, but life is good. Ronnie and I are continuing to learn a lot through this process and we find our trust in the Lord deepening with every challenging experience. It is truly by His guidance and grace that we make it through each day. Thank you, Lord, for your redeeming love.

-Heather