A Season for Change

A lot has changed since I last posted. Actually, everything has changed. Our life is very different and I know it will never be the same. WE will never be the same.

J and B are no longer with us. I know I should have posted about this months ago, but honestly, I couldn't bring myself to type out what was actually going on in our lives. Words were not adequate at the time, and I am just starting to properly form them now. Ronnie and I are trying to adjust to the "new normal" in our house. Unfortunately J had to leave us mid-October in an emergency removal. Without going into too much detail, his behaviors were such that our home environment had eroded into a toxic environment for everyone. After confronting him about an issue one day after school, he ended up throwing a monstrous, violent fit that quickly became a danger to all those involved. He left us that night and we have not seen him since. That was not necessarily by choice... it was something we were advised to do at the time and it did not play out how I would have liked it to. Nevertheless, those were the circumstances and he is safely placed in a new foster home, one that is adequate for moderate-level children, I believe. We love him and miss him, but know now that our role in his life is no longer to parent him, but to continue to pray for him. I would ask you all to do the same. He is going to face a lot of challenges in his life and needs a community of people praying for him to overcome.

B is also gone. This I am still greatly struggling with. Her father and grandmother finished all of their requirements by the state and were able to regain custody of her. She left us on the afternoon of Halloween, her pink princess dress and castle candy bag in tow. I will never forget the way her bottom lip quivered and a single tear fell out of her eye after we placed her in the CASA worker's car seat and said our last goodbye. I can hardly type out these words without falling apart. I hope never to say goodbye to my child like that again. My heart breaks for those foster parents and foster children who created strong bonds, only to have them pulled apart without knowing whether they would ever see each other again. Luckily Ronnie and I are able to stay in contact with B's grandmother because we were able to form a positive relationship; I am thankful for that and hope to get to hear about little B and hopefully see her one day in the future. My heart aches for her everyday, especially now in the Christmas season. Please continue to pray for little B as well.

As for Ronnie and I, we have decided that our season of Foster Parenting is over. After J's removal, we faced a lot of negative challenges while dealing with the CPS Department, and we realized that we can no longer continue down this path. This is saddening, however, we are thankful for the time that we had as Foster Parents and I hope and pray we were able to provide some sort of positivity to the 4 lives that we were entrusted with over the past year and half. We are attempting to go back to "normal," knowing that "normal" no longer exists and realizing that both Ronnie and I have changed throughout this process. We are enjoying have more time to ourselves, but still find ourselves talking about the children at times and missing them often.

On another note, Ronnie and I have decided to continue with fertility treatments. While we don't know what the future holds, we are both excited and optimistic about the possibilities. I will write more on the fertility front as time goes on, but for now we just wanted to let you know about the path we are on. If you feel led to pray for us in that area, we would greatly appreciate it. We hope and pray that the Lord decided to bless us with a biological child, but we also pray for peace and courage if the answer happens to be no. Thank you all for your continued love and support throughout these seasons of life. We hope you and your families are able to enjoy this season of advent and focus on what truly matters... our Lord, our Savior, our King. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you and yours.

-Heather

A Simple Prayer

Lord, forgive my jealous heart. Help me find a way to be happy for those who receive the blessings that I so desperately long for. Continue to remind me of everything you have already blessed me with. Thank you for your unfailing love. Amen.

-Heather

"Like Friends"

A couple of weeks ago, amidst the trials and turmoil of this case, B and I were taking a walk with the pups and decided to stop at our neighborhood park for some play time. Usually I sit at a picnic table and watch the kiddos play, but that day I decided to take part in the fun. Little B ran toward the big toy and I began to chase her, following her up the stairs and down the slide. When our feet hit the bark, we both giggled with delight at how much fun sliding together had been. As we ran back to the big toy for some more fun, sweet little B stopped, looked up at me and said, "You play with me Mama?" "Yes," I said. "I play with you." "Like friends?" she said. "Yes. Just like friends," I replied. "Yay!" she shouted with delight:) That moment warmed my soul and made me realize how much I need to treasure this special relationship I have with my foster daughter. "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me." Lord, thank you for my foster children. Help me to cherish the tenderness and faithfulness of a child.

-Heather

The Neverending Case

When I call this "The Neverending Case," that's because it truly feels as though this case has no end. Each time we seemingly meet a milestone, something happens to derail the progress and forward movement. Ronnie and I attended the kiddos' "final" court hearing a couple of weeks ago, before heading into the Merits Trial. We were shocked and dismayed when the judge ever-so-casually extended the case another 4 months. Yes, I said 4 months, people. And that's just until we go to court again. The Merits Trial (which is supposed to be the final court hearing in the entire case) isn't even scheduled until January. We were so surprised by this ruling that we didn't even know what to do or say as we walked out of the courthouse. We were upset, to put it lightly... there were many tears on my end. And while this puts us as foster parents in a continued state of limbo, my main focus and concern is centered around our foster children and what this ruling means for their futures.

J & B were originally placed in Foster Care in April of 2011. And here they are in September of 2012 with the end of the case nowhere in sight. The judges, case workers and people within the legal system have NO IDEA what this process has done to these children. It has caused so much pain, confusion, sadness and anger that I fear may not be reversible. In a perfect world, the system would not be centered around the parents and giving them multiple chances to get their lives in order; it would center around the CHILDREN and what is truly best for them. And news flash: it MAY not involve the biological family whatsoever. I'm not saying that foster children should not be reunited with their bio. parents or family members. What I am saying, and many foster parents can attest to this, is that sometimes children deserve more than what their bio. families are able to offer them. This entire situation has been incredibly confusing for the children and J continues to have emotional outbursts because of the failures of this system and of his family. Please keep us in your prayers as we seek to get adequate help for J while learning how to help him control his anger and emotions.

While we do have an idea where this case is headed, which for now will remain confidential, we are also realistic and know that anything is possible over the course of a few months. We don't understand why certain decisions are made within the legal system, but we are glad that for now the kiddos have a safe and loving home where they can continue to thrive. Ronnie and I truly believe that these kiddos are still with us for a reason. We have rededicated ourselves to J & B and we want to use this time to go even deeper with them, helping them discover who it is that God created them to be.

Last week J started Kindergarten and that has opened up a whole new world for him. He is exhausted by the time he gets home, but hopefully that means a good night's sleep. I am trying to find a Preschool or Kids Day Out Program to enroll B in so that she can continue to learn and be challenged academically. And I'm not gonna lie... it would be nice to have a few personal hours to myself each week as well:) We are also in the process of signing J up for gymnastics and B for either tumbling or dance classes. We want to help them pursue their interests and invest in them as much as we can for whatever length of time they happen to be with us. Lord, give us courage to face the next few months of the unknown and the strength to face the inevitable challenges that will come our way.

-Heather

Turning Thirty

It's official, folks. I am 30 years old. I can't say that I was happy to ring in a new decade. In fact, turning 30 was incredibly difficult for me. I tried to grin and bear it, but it has been a tough reality to face. It's strange to think that my 20's are actually over. I remember how exciting it was to turn 20 (or maybe 21:), and how "grown-up" I felt at the time. I made a lot of interesting decisions in my 20's... some of which I'm proud of, and some I'm not-so-proud of. I met my future husband when I was 20 years old and I believe that one of the best decisions I ever made was to marry him:) He truly is a gift to me and I'm so thankful that God brought him into my life.

When Ronnie got married, I felt so lucky that I accomplished one of the things that I had planned for my life, which was to marry young. I figured that the rest of my plan would just naturally fall into place, as it seemingly did for so many around me. I had a vision of what my life would look like by the time I turned 30 (which felt like an ETERNITY away...), and I honestly never expected anything different. I know that probably sounds like a naive point of view; looking back now, I see how young love truly makes you think that anything in life is possible. Little did I know that just 3 short years later, I would step into an unknown world called Infertility. Growing up, I never knew anyone with Infertility. Or shall I say, I never realized that Infertility was even a part of life. I now know that Infertility was actually around me all the while. My mother struggled with Infertility for 4 years before she conceived my oldest sister. Two of my aunts battled secondary Infertility. A woman I babysat for adopted after the inability to conceive. If I had only known then what I know now...

As a young girl, I had an image that life would be a series of events: you grow up, graduate from high school, go to college, meet the man of your dreams, get married, get a job, get a dog, have kids, live happily ever after. I believe most little girls have this fairy-tale image of life, only to later realize that life is anything but a Disney movie. Just the other day I stumbled across a copy of my wedding invitations which had the following quote scripted at the top of the page: "Sometimes, right in the middle of an ordinary life, love gives you a fairy-tale." (Simulate throw-up sound here). I literally tossed the invitation aside after I read that, disgusted at the lie that message sends, and also feeling completely idiotic for choosing THE cheesiest quote of all time for my wedding invitation. I then flashed back to the joy I experienced on my wedding day, 7 years ago, and how the future seemed so bright with opportunity. I literally felt like anything was possible as long as Ronnie was by my side.

Ronnie and I got married young, had great jobs, got 2 dogs and started trying to have a "family." Now here we are, 5 years into our journey with Infertility, without the one thing that now seems almost unachievable. The one thing so many people take for granted as just the "next step" in life. As I say this, I also realize that I would have easily taken the process of conception for granted, had I simply gotten pregnant like so many friends I know and love. After experiencing the deep, dark depths of Infertility, and studying the entire reproductive system, I am now absolutely amazed at the true miracle of conception, how everything has to come together at the just the right time and in just the right way. I don't want to get too graphic about baby-making; I just want to emphasize how beautiful the creation of life is, and how much more beautiful is the Ultimate Creator.

Turning 30 has become a time to reminisce and reflect. I checked out my old MySpace page yesterday (*throwback!*), which I hadn't done in probably 3 years. Interestingly enough, it still plays the song I had originally placed on my page after experiencing my first year of Infertility. The song is entitled "Sufficient" by Adie Camp (wife of Jeremy Camp).  I forgot how much I loved this song, and how it helped me find the adequate words to cry out toward the beginning of this painful Infertility journey. If you haven't heard this song, I encourage you to download it and add it to your playlist, no matter what you may be struggling with. It's an incredible reminder of how sufficient God's strength and peace are in the midst of our weakness.

I think the hardest thing about turning 30 is what I had envisioned my life to look like at this point. As it turns out, my life isn't at all how I had pictured it. And that is okay. For the first time in a long time, I am truly able to say that it's okay. I am a blessed woman and have much to be thankful for. Yes, I wish I had a baby and I still desire that with all of my heart. But I desire my God more. Giving my life over to Him means that I am no longer my own. I was bought at a price. Lord, have your way in me. I trust you with my life. You are sufficient.

-Heather

Adventures in a Courtroom

I promised you all an update about Thursday's Court Hearing, and here it is. Let me start off by saying that I know why there is such a shortage of foster parents. I now know why people shy away from pursuing foster care, quit fostering after a time, or simply refuse to walk that road at all, even when they are called to this ministry. All it takes to consider never fostering again is to sit through one court hearing for a foster child's case. It is not for the faint of heart. And sadly, my heart is quite faint.

Ronnie and I showed up to the courthouse 40 minutes early and we were the only people there for our case until close to starting time. However, starting time quickly became an hour past due, which is understandable when you see how many cases have to go before the judge each day. As we sat in the back of the courtroom, we didn't know what to expect out of that hearing. The case worker began to answer a series of questions prompted by the state attorney, including what the new permanency plan is on behalf of the state. "Adoption by a relative, followed by adoption from a non-relative," was her answer. To which the question was asked, "Are the children in a foster adoptive home?" "No." "So the foster family is not interested in adoption?" "No." "So who is the family member pursuing adoption for the children?" "We do not know of any?" "Have you looked for a family member to adopt?" "No." "So there is no one currently in place to adopt the children?" "Correct." This was at the very beginning of the proceedings, and Ronnie and I were already shaking with adrenaline and frustration at what we just heard. We had been very honest with this new case worker about our struggles with our current agency and how we were considering whether God wanted us to leave foster care completely or if we just needed to switch agencies. I was also honest with her when I said that I didn't know whether or not we would adopt these children because that was a huge decision to make and we were having a lot of struggles, especially with J. But never did I say that we were not considering adoption, when in fact we still were (and are). Long story short, this began a series of eye-contact conversations with the CASA worker, who is amazing and knows exactly where are hearts are. Luckily, she spoke up for us and said, "Actually, Your Honor, the children are in a foster adoptive home and they are still possibly considering adoption." "Well," he said. "That is a completely different story than I'm getting from the case worker. Interesting. Proceed." 

So then it turned into the parent battle, with the case worker going through each parent's service plan, telling what they have and have not done, including what is still left to do in their service plans. There were some emotionally fueled comments back and forth between the case worker and the parents' attorneys. Then it was the judge's turn. And let me just tell you that it was the most amazing speech I've ever heard. I wish I could've posted in on You Tube:) He started out by saying that everything he's heard is "Bull you-know-what." He voiced how disappointed he was with the state in the sense that just one month away from the end of the case we had yet another case worker quit and now we are on our fourth case worker, which is totally wrong. Then he went through the parents one by one, scolding them and voicing his extreme disappointment in their lack of services. The judge raised his voice and said to the parents, "Here we are, 4 days away from what is supposed to be the end of the case, and you are only partially completed with your service plans? Your children have been in state custody since April of 2011 and you still aren't done? Are you kidding me? And you (as he said to one parent), here you are trying to get custody of your children and you are still involved in criminal activity? You expect me to hand these children over to you now? Are you kidding me? Do you realize what a big deal this is? You're lucky that I'm not terminating all of your parental rights right now! This is ridiculous! You have all been given more than enough time! My concern is that these healthy, innocent kids, who thousands of people would adopt in an instant, go to a safe home. Get your stuff together. If you don't have your entire service plan completed next time we come to court, just know that your rights will be terminated." Wow. Ronnie and I just sat there, shaking, not believing what we just witnessed and so thrilled that somebody finally had the courage to tell these parents exactly what they needed to hear. 

After the judge rightfully schooled these parents, he decided to extend the case because of the case worker turnovers and confusion in the state's report about the permanency plan for the children. We go back to court in mid-August, at which time the final hearing will be held. We will then find out whether or not the parents have finished their service plans and can gain custody of the children or if the rights will all be terminated and the children will be available for adoption. Ronnie and I don't know what we will do in the end. We are committed, now more than ever, to keep these children until the end of the case, which is now in August, but beyond that we have no idea. Please don't unrightfully judge our situation until you have walked in our shoes. Adoption is a big deal. A really big deal. Yes, we love these children more than we even thought possible. But committing to a lifetime with them is exactly that. This is life-time, life-altering decision we have to make by August. These children have brought us a lot of joy, and they have caused us a lot of heartache. If we do adopt J and B, we want it to be for the right reasons, not out of a sense of obligation, and we want it to truly be the best possible situation for the children above all. Because they deserve the BEST life has to offer them. 

Ronnie and I want to make sure that if we say yes to adoption, we are saying yes to everything that comes along with it... going from a family of 2 to a family of 4, dealing with the termination of biological parental rights and the pain that we know will come from that, helping the children mourn the loss of their biological family, comforting traumatized children on a long-term basis, continuing behavioral therapy and other therapeutic services for the children, hoping that we will continue bonding with the children, ensuring that they will be welcomed into our family as biological children would, uprooting them from San Antonio and Texas next year, moving them around the world every 2 to 3 years for the rest of Ronnie's military career, and quite honestly, mourning the loss of what Ronnie and I pictured for our family. That may sound very selfish to many of you, but as I said, please don't judge our situation. I realize that God's plan is often quite different than what we had planned for ourselves. But I think if we were all honest with ourselves, many life-altering changes come as we secretly (or not-so-secretly) mourn the loss of what "could have been." I always pictured myself getting married young, having children young and being a young, lively grandmother, with a variety of adventures in-between. Even though I did get married young, my life has turned out much differently than expected. As we head into year 5 of our journey through Infertility, we realize that God has something much different in store, but we welcome His perfect plan into our lives, whatever that may look like. If that plan includes adoption, then so be it. But we will not adopt unless we know that God is leading us there 100%. Even if you do not understand our decisions or deliberations, please support us with your prayers as we navigate the next few months ahead of us. 

Thank you to those who were praying for us while we were in court on Thursday. When I say we felt your prayers, I'm telling you the honest truth. I want to say an extra thanks to those of you who prayed for clarity for those in the legal system. In a case of extreme confusion, somehow the judge was able to see everything clearly, see past the lack of preparation on the state's behalf, see past the attorneys' twisted perspectives, see past the parents laziness, and see everything exactly as it was. He saw the truth, he expressed the truth, and we know that whatever happens in this case will truly be for just cause. Some times the legal system does actually work:) We are thankful for that experience in court, though we hope never to have to witness it again any time soon. Thank you for your continued prayers and support. Love to all. 

A Proverb

As Ronnie and I continue to seek direction while wrestling with our looming decision regarding our future in the foster care ministry, we cling to God's Word for guidance. This morning before heading to work, Ronnie and I had the chance to just sit and talk about what God has been placing on our hearts. After Ronnie left I was able to sit down for some devotional time and read my Bible. Here is some encouragement from the Word of the Lord: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6. Thank you Lord for your Word.

-Heather

Take Heart

The last couple of days have been a series of trials for our foster care ministry. What a tough road we have been on. Really tough. Ronnie and I came back on a complete high from our weekend away at the marriage conference. We were totally rejuvenated and excited to see what God had in store for our marriage. The kiddos did great while in respite care and we were all happy to be together again. Then on Tuesday we received some startling news from our agency. I don't feel comfortable at this point posting what is happening, but believe me when I tell you that it rocked our world. Ronnie and I are questioning a lot of things right now, mainly whether or not to remain in this ministry of foster care. We are praying, fasting and seeking God with all of our hearts, begging Him to lead us in the right direction. We trust that He will make it clear what He would have us do... I'm just praying for the strength to accept that message, whatever it may be. Please pray for us right now. Pray that God would quickly lead and direct us. Pray for peace to accept the road ahead. Pray for all of those in the foster care ministry, that they would take refuge in our Lord Jesus Christ whenever facing inevitable trials.

This morning, as I was sitting and contemplating where God was leading us, I was listening to Hillsong United's album, "Aftermath." The very first song is called "Take Heart," (my go-to song) and I find so much comfort every time I hear even the first few notes playing. The words are so encouraging and I felt as though I was just able to sit and worship as I took them in. Here are some of the lyrics:

So take heart
Let His love lead us through the night
Hold on to hope
And take courage again

All our troubles
And all our tears
God our hope
He has overcome

All our failure
And all our fear
God our loveHe has overcome
All our heartache
And all our pain
God our healer
He has overcome

All our burdens
And all our shame
God our freedom
He has overcome

God our justice
God our grace
God our freedom
He has overcome
God our refuge
God our strength
God is with us
He has overcome

This song, of course, is taken from John 16:33 when Jesus states, "Here on Earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have OVERCOME the world." Thank you, Jesus, for your promises. Today, I will rest in you.

-Heather

R, R & R

In case you were wondering, that stands for Respite, Rest and Relaxation (hopefully...). This weekend Ronnie and I are going to take advantage of a much-needed break from our kiddos and go away. Just the 2 of us. Alone. After a very difficult last week with our behaviorally challenging 5 year old, Ronnie and I realized that after 5 months of fostering these 2 kiddos, we have never been away from them. Then it dawned on us that there are other foster families within our agency who are able and willing to do Respite Care for foster children. Then we also found a wonderful marriage conference outside of Houston that we wanted to attend. All of these epiphanies seemed to form together into one genius idea: Let's Get Away! So after a brutally honest conversation with our Case Manager, she made some phone calls and found a family to watch the kids. We also found out the conference offered a military discount, which made it somewhat affordable. And we had some wonderful family members who sent us some moolah to help pay for hotel rooms and meals. How blessed are we?!

So in just 2 short days, we drive away (3.5 hours away to be exact) as a couple of long-lost lovers hoping to reconnect in just 4 short days. What I think I'm looking forward to the most is just having uninterrupted adult conversation with my husband. We do date nights about every 2 to 3 weeks, so we have time alone, but we are always watching the clock, wondering how much longer we have before we need to pick the kids up and get them home. Being alone with little responsibility seems like a novel idea at this point. We'll see how we handle it... I'll check back in with you on day 3:) I'm also looking forward to going to a conference where we get to reconnect and just talk about how to foster our marriage rather than just foster children.

Last night I went to bed feeling sick and woke up this morning feeling even sicker. Ever since I quit my job and decided to stay home with the kids, we have all been sharing a rotating sickness in the house. It goes from person to person and never quite leaves completely. This last bout really messed me up and I was without a voice for about 2 weeks. There are still parts of my singing voice that haven't yet returned, which has been a challenge when helping lead worship at church. But just as that sickness ended, it seems that it's back and I'm frustrated beyond words. I don't know if this is a spiritual battle or if my body is just completely worn down from the daily struggles of parenting traumatized children. Whatever the case, I am praying against this sickness, praying for complete wellness during our weekend getaway, and cramming Zycam down my throat like there is no tomorrow. Please Lord, take away this sickness and help me to feel well!

I'll write an update after our weekend away. But before I sign off, I just want to say Thank You. I truly believe that God puts certain people in your life at a certain time for a certain reason. And he has placed multiple people in my life that have called me, texted me, messaged me or spoken to me this week with words of wisdom and encouragement. You all know who you are and I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. Foster Parenting and Infertility can be incredibly lonely places, so it's very comforting when those friends come to my rescue at just the right time. Thank you, friends, and thank you, God, for these loved ones you have blessed me with:)

-Heather

(non)Permanency

As we complete month 4 with our little foster kiddos, I thought an actual update would be appropriate. So much has happened since J and B came back "home" and we feel truly blessed to have them under our roof and in our care. For those of you familiar with the Foster Care process, each case goes through various Permanency Trials. These hearings are a time for all of the people who are involved in the case to have a chance to sit down and discuss everything that has (or hasn't) happened thus far, and what still needs to be done in order for the biological parents to regain guardianship of their children.

Ronnie and I had the opportunity to sit in on one of these hearings to witness the process and be there as a representative of our children. It was important to us to meet all of the people that are working behind the scenes in this case and we were thankful that the Case Manager allowed us to be there. I was emotional throughout the entire hearing, beginning with the fact that the kids' mother didn't show up until 40 minutes into the meeting and one of the biological fathers didn't show up at all. What brought me to tears was hearing some of the background info. about mom, to include other children, a history of crime and other unfortunate choices that she has made, all to the detriment of the two children living in my home. At that moment, I was brokenhearted as I imagined what these kids have experienced and I couldn't comprehend ever having to send them back to that kind of situation. I couldn't stop the tears from falling. Ronnie and I luckily had the opportunity to speak on the kids' behalf and let everyone know how well they were doing. That was a proud moment for us as we bragged about how far these kids had come and how many achievements they've made. But we were also very honest about the things that they were struggling with, mainly because of the trauma they have experienced in their short lives.

After we were done giving an update on the kiddos, we listened as the Case Manager revealed what the permanency plan was going to be for the case. The state decided to recommend a dual-track system, which means they are considering both Reunification (kids being reunified with mom or other either dad) and Termination (all parents' rights being terminated) simultaneously. So, even though these parents have had almost 2 years to get their act together and comply with the state, they are now getting another 4 months to complete their checklists and come into full compliance. I have mixed feelings about this plan, mainly because I think it sends the wrong message to everyone involved and it seems that no one is firm enough to put their foot down. At this point in the case, I believe that the end result should be focused one way or the other, with a strong verdict. These parents must realize that they need to either poop or get off the pot. If you want your children back, do something about it! If you don't really care either way, allow these kids the freedom to become a part of a functional family. I really do believe that all parents involved truly love their children. I also believe that some of the choices they continue to make reveal the backward state of their priorities in life. We will find out what the final permanency plan is at a court hearing toward the end of May. At that time we will know whether we will be preparing these kids for reunification or if we begin the process of termination and (possibly) adoption. At this point, anything is possible.

As always, thank you all for your prayers and words of encouragement. If there is anything that Ronnie and I have learned through this process, it is that we've just gotten started on this roller coaster that is foster care. We thought it was difficult up to this point, but now we're facing a new world of challenges. We also experience moments of joy as we watch these little ones grow into the beautiful children that God created them to be. But we've got a long way to go. The foster care system still continues to be broken. There is still a ridiculous amount of children needing homes. We still have room. So for now we have surrendered ourselves, if only to live in His will. His good, pleasing and perfect will.

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Dear Infertility,

Why do you hurt so badly?

Sincerely,

Me

Enough

Well, a week ago today I finally said "Enough." I decided to resign from my job and turned in my 2-week notice to my supervisor. I had gotten to a point where something had to give, and I knew it could not be my family. After praying, talking to my husband and seeking wise council, I feel very confident about my decision. The current season of life I am in demands more time than I have been able to give and my family needs my undivided attention. After speaking to my husband, I came to the realization that there are many people who could do that job, but I am the only one who can be a wife and mother to my family. I am looking forward to being able to stay at home with our kiddos, I am also leaving my job with a heavy heart. I have really bonded with my staff, students and many parents at my school, all of which I am sad to leave behind. I have been praying that God would reveal to me what purpose I have served at this site after only being there for 3 months, and I think he is beginning to reveal that to me as my time comes to an end. The 9 staff I have been supervising are amazing. They deal with so many hardships in their personal lives, yet they put it all aside and come to work each day, excited and dedicated to our students. When I first came to our site, our staff and students were hurting. They had lost yet another Director and hadn't had strong leadership for quite some time. Over the past 3 months, I have been encouraging them, praising them, and challenging them to embrace their full potential. I have seen such amazing growth from every single one of them and we have really come together as a strong team; one of my staff has even applied to be a Director at another site. I am so incredibly proud of my staff and while I am sorry to say good-bye, I know that they will continue to thrive after I am gone. I praise God for the time that I had at my site and I'm excited to move forward and embrace my new role as a stay-at-home mom. This Friday will be my last day, so I covet your prayers over this next week... prayer for a smooth transition for my staff, students and parents and for Ronnie, the kiddos and myself. I'm already looking forward to what this next season has in store: taking B to the zoo, picking J up from school, volunteering at his school, helping him with his homework, participating in play dates, taking walks to the park, potty-training, going out for ice cream, doing art projects, baking with the kids, being an involved mom. I'm not saying that working moms cannot be involved, but with my work schedule and difficult hours, weekday involvement with the kids was challenging if not impossible. I'm trying not to be naive... I know that staying at home will bring it's own specific challenges. However, I am ready to be available to my kiddos, for however little or long they will be with us. My husband is excited to have me home as well. I'm sure he will appreciate having someone here to finally make nice home-cooked meals on a regular basis. Ronnie has been such a trooper and I am incredibly thankful for his dedication to me and the kiddos during the last 3 months of complete craziness. He and I are looking forward to finally spending some much-needed quality family time together. I've realized that even though the money from my job was needed and appreciated, God will help us get by with what we have. All it will take is re-prioritizing our current budget and having faith that God will bless our obedience. God, my husband, my foster kids. For me, they are enough.

How Much is Too Much?

Too much. That is how I'm feeling right now. Too much is happening all at once and I don't know how much more I can reasonably take. I have come to a place where I am questioning my decisions and weighing all of my options. It seems that I am coming up short in almost every area of my life. I can't give everything I need to give to my foster children, to my husband, to my job, to my students, to my staff, to my friends, to my family and to my church. I know we are not designed to give everything we have to just one area of our lives, but I always feel as though what I am able to give is not quite enough. Whether I am behind in my foster parent documentation, still trying to finish lesson plans to send to my supervisor, forgetting to RSVP to an important event, late to worship because of work, finding time to run to the store for milk, missing important time with my kiddos, neglecting quality time with my husband, never calling my far-away family, dealing with unhappy customers, trying to pay off endless debt, mourning the continual pain of my barrenness, not prioritizing my quiet time with God, never updating my blog... In my life, and I'm guessing in many of yours as well, this list could go on and on and on. It seems like the challenges in life are nothing less than overwhelming. So where is the breaking point? When do I finally choose to stand up and yell, "ENOUGH!"?

I don't know the answer to that question. But I do know that my concerns are God's concerns. He created me in His image and he knows me better than I know myself. I now realize that he, too, made that same "ENOUGH!" declaration that I so desperately want to cry out. It was while his son, Jesus, was hanging on a cross, bruised, bleeding and broken, dying for the sins of the past, present and future, proclaiming that, finally, "It is finished." Take heart, friends... He has already overcome the world. This world. This crazy, unsettled world.

Lord, teach me to value the things in life worth valuing. Help me to prioritize my time and focus only on things that truly matter and that are lasting. Provide clarity on my giftings and calling in life. Give me courage to say "ENOUGH!" when the time comes. Never let me forget about the ultimate sacrifice that you made on my behalf. Thank you for loving me in the midst of my trials, and thank you for carrying me through it all.

Reflections

As one year ends and a new one begins, I have been reflecting on what life has taught me over the past twelve months. I've learned that the world continues to be an unsettled and frightening place at times, but that God still gives us glimpses of light in the midst of darkness. I've learned that I am capable of living through another year with the painful thorn of Infertility. I've learned that marriage is hard work, but my husband is more than worth it. I've learned that there are far too many children in this world that are in need of a family and a place to call home. I've learned that 25 dollars can buy a clean water filter for a family in Africa that will last a lifetime. I've learned that I can be very selfish and greedy. I've learned that even though I have a college degree, it does not necessarily mean that I am automatically employable. I've learned that Grad School is really difficult and time consuming, and best left to the uber-intelligent (aka Ronnie). I've learned that I continue to love chocolate. I've learned that my immediate and extended family is one of the biggest blessings of my life. I've learned that there are more important things in life than a clean house. I've learned how to love unconditionally from my foster children. I've learned that parenting is truly the hardest job on the planet and I am not very good at it. I've learned that I really enjoy being called "Mommy." I've learned that the Bible is actually an amazing book to read. I've learned how to truly worship. I've learned that obeying God requires 100% compliance. I've learned that almost every one of my closest friends has become pregnant and/or has had a baby. I've learned that although I am sad for my own barrenness, I can be truly joyful for others. I've learned that fertility treatments are mostly painful and overall unenjoyable. I've learned that time doesn't always heal pain, but it does make is easier to bear. I've learned that surrender is not easy, but it is required. I've learned that it is possible to love my husband more with each passing day. I've learned that I desperately want to be more like Jesus. I've learned that God truly loves me and is FOR me.

As I look back, I am thankful for all that I have learned and look forward to everything that lies ahead. Here's to a happy new year.

-Heather