Open for Business

God's timing amazes me. When Ronnie and I decided to take a break from fostering to spend time strengthening our marriage and our home, I felt a slight sense of guilt when I would reject a possible placement. I felt sick about the fact that we were a licensed foster family, there were hundreds of children in our local area who needed a home, and yet we were choosing to say "no." There was always a temptation to give in and accept children into our home, regardless of the fact that the Holy Spirit was putting it on both of our hearts to "be still and wait upon the Lord." As we have been praying about when to open our home again, Ronnie and I felt like God was telling us that we were ready again. I am starting a new job, but with Ronnie doing Clinicals and having a subsequent Christmas break, he is going to have a lot of quality time to spend with the child (or children) that we take in. After we decided that we were once again ready to open our hearts and our home to God's children, we called our agency and informed them that we would like to change our status to "active." We gave our Case Manager very specific stipulations about what kind of placement we were willing to take: only one baby at a time, boy or girl, any race, under age 1. Oh, and of course, if J and B (our first foster children) happened to come back into the system we would take them in a heartbeat, even though we were assured that it wasn't a very likely scenario. That was last week.

This past week started like any other Monday morning. Little did I know that our lives were about to change dramatically by Monday afternoon. And little did I know that Ronnie was up early, having his devotional time, journaling about his desire to fill our home with children. I had decided to spend Sunday cleaning the house, having everything ready and prepared in case we got a call the next day. Looking back now, I think the Holy Spirit was preparing me for what was about to happen. Around early afternoon on Monday I received a call from our agency with one of their family consultants thanking us for changing our status back to active and asking me about our previous foster placements. I told him about our only 2 placements, wondering why he needed this background information before he referred us for another placement. What he said next still gives me chills. "Well, it looks like your first foster kids, J and B, are coming back into the system. Is there any chance you would be willing to-" "YES!" I cried before he could even finish. I couldn't believe what he was telling me; this was a scenario Ronnie and I had discussed frequently, but hoped for only in our dreams. He told us he would submit us and see what happened. I got a call back 5 minutes later with 3 simple words: "You got 'em." That was all I needed to hear:) I was already beside myself and couldn't help but cry out to God with prayers of pure jubilation and thanksgiving. I called Ronnie and told him we were getting the best Christmas present ever, J and B back in our arms. He later told me that he expected a placement and kept his phone close by all day, waiting for that call. We found out that the children would be placed with us later that afternoon, just hours away, so I had very little time to prepare. Luckily, we still had most of their clothes and a supply of diapers, so all I had to do was run to the grocery store. Ronnie was already home from work when I got back. We held each other so tightly, hardly believing what was about to happen. Then they arrived. As soon as I saw their sweet little faces in the window, I couldn't contain my tears. They both smiled, came up to us and hugged us, as if 6 months hadn't changed a thing. Finally, our babies were home:)

This past week has been a bit of a whirlwind. Neither Ronnie or I have gotten much sleep as we adjust to a new schedule. We are trying to figure out how to balance both of our jobs, the needs of the children, and the late nights holding them until they are done crying. There have been tears of joy, but mainly of sadness and confusion. I can't begin to imagine what these kiddos are going through; it must be so incredibly confusing to be taken in and out of various homes, back and forth between family and state care. It saddens me to think about what these children have been exposed to and accustomed to over the past 6 months. All I know is that everything we established when they were in our home previously now needs to be reintroduced. We understand that this next month is going to be filled with many obstacles, but we are definitely up for the challenge. As always, we appreciate your prayers during this time of transition, both for us and for the children. We are sad that these children are victims of a dysfunctional family and broken system, but so thankful that for the time being, they are safe and sound in our home. It is amazing to look back and see how God orchestrated this entire situation. What are the odds that these kiddos would be coming back into the system the exact week that we opened our home back up to fostering? Not good, I can tell you that much. Luckily, we have Jesus on our side, and He defies all odds. Lord, we praise you for your goodness and thank you that your plan is ALWAYS better than our own.

An Answered Prayer

I am happy to report that after months of looking for a job, I finally have been deemed employable! I am officially an employee of a local school district who has hired me to be a Site Director for their After-School Program. Almost my entire professional background is in after-school programming, so this is definitely my area of expertise. My interview went extremely well and they hired me right on the spot! There was definitely a Will Smith "Pursuit of Happyness" moment where I accepted the job while fighting back tears. I am so thankful for this opportunity and so excited to begin in just a couple of weeks. I will be working part-time in the afternoons, Monday through Friday. I will also be supervising 9 staff and 180 students... wow. This job is going to stretch me and I am really looking forward to this new challenge! When Ronnie and I were originally discussing job possibilities, we decided that I needed to be making a certain amount hourly and monthly for our debt repayment plan to be successful. This job not only meets our financial criteria, but it EXCEEDS it! I am overwhelmed by God's faithfulness and want to give him all of the Glory for this amazing blessing.

That is our only news for now. Now that I have secure employment, Ronnie and I are really feeling the call to open our home back up to Foster Children. Our time of rest has been great for our relationship and personal well-being, and we feel ready for the continued challenge that is Foster Care. We think that we are only going to foster one child at a time so that Ronnie is still able to focus on his Doctoral program, which has to be our first priority right now. We completely trust that God will bring the child that He wants into our home in His timing. For now it's still just us, but maybe our next post will be that of a different story...

Crossroads

Where to go? What to do? Which direction should we take? That is the place Ronnie and I currently find ourselves in. There are so many options and so many possibilities.

I have been looking for a job for almost 2 months now. For one reason or another I haven't had the success I was originally hoping for. Last month I was selected for a position with a local Boys & Girls Club, but I turned it down because the hours would be challenging and I needed to be making higher pay. Since then, I have applied for multiple jobs and have only had 1 unsuccessful interview. I am trying to be receptive to God's voice and figure out whether or not I should be working. I know that I want a job and Ronnie wants me to have a job, but is that what God wants for me? As Beth Moore would say, "Is this a 'good' idea or a 'God' idea?" I am trying to discern where He wants me to invest my time as I continue to apply and hope for a job to come along.

Part of me wonders whether or not we are ready to continue Foster Care. My heart has really felt drawn to that path again. I feel renewed, restored and ready to open my heart and home again to children. But I want to make sure both Ronnie and I are truly ready before we decide to make that commitment again. His large workload and school needs have to come first, so we need to ensure that fostering does not completely detract from that.

Fertility still weighs heavily on our hearts as well. We know that we have been given a wonderful opportunity by being selected into the Military Reproductive Assistance Program. But when it comes to a human life, we struggle with finding the balance between creating the perfect environment inside my body for life to develop and forcing life by taking matters into our own hands. The next step in treatment would be another IUI. While now is as good a time as any, we want to make sure that we are both prepared emotionally for whatever happens.

As you can see, we are at a Crossroads. I think the hardest part is sitting and waiting on the Lord to point us in one clear direction. I hold onto the words from my favorite praise and worship song which says, "Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord. Our God, you reign forever. Our hope, our strong deliverer. You are the everlasting God, you do not faint, you won't grow weary. You're the defender of the weak, you comfort those in need, you lift us up on wings like eagles." So encouraging. Thank you all for your prayers as we navigate our way through confusion and try to figure out what the next step should be for our family.

-Heather

Soul Vacation

In the last post, I promised I would tell you all about my month-long voyage across these beautiful United States back to the Pacific Northwest to visit family and friends. Yes, I drove. To Washington State. From Texas. By myself. And no, I'm not crazy, at least not completely:) I decided to break the driving up into 4 days so that I would have a safe place to stay each night and get to see some of my favorite friends along the way. My first day landed me in Alamogordo, NM, home to the beloved Holloman Air Force Base. I'm not being sarcastic. I absolutely love Holloman and am so thankful that we got to spend 4 wonderful years there. It was great to see some friends from our old base and catch up over dinner. The next day I traveled to Denver, CO, where my good friends, The Browns, reside. So wonderful to spend an entire evening with them, full of laughter and fun. Day 3 brought me to Boise, ID, where I stayed with The Olsons. How wonderful that was:) After all these years, my former roommate and I still have a wonderfully unique bond that is still mysterious to the both of us. Finally, on Day 4, I arrived in my old stomping grounds, Centralia, WA, where I was greeted by my mom, step-dad, and grandparents. I love my family and I'm so glad that I got to spend a few days there with them. During my 3 weeks in the NW, I attended 2 weddings and 1 family reunion. I also got to spend a lot of one-on-one time with some old friends and various family members that I haven't seen in quite a while. I always get to see my family when I come home, at least for a few hours, but this trip allowed me to spend days at a time with my grandparents, aunt, sisters, brothers in law, nephews, dad, mom and all of my in-laws. How blessed am I to have that many people to love. I am forever thankful for that time with my family and friends and it was a great time of clarity and renewal for the next chapter in my life.

This trip was really great for my marriage. I will admit, it was difficult to be away from Ronnie for an entire month, especially at a time when the military is not requiring us to be apart for a typical TDY or Deployment. At the beginning of the trip, I didn't really miss my husband at all. It scared me at first that I was so glad to finally have "alone" time, but looking back now, I can see that I was just recovering from overload. Between trying to be a good Foster Mom to hyper 2-year-old twin boys, trying to be a good domestic diva in my dirtier-than-it's-ever-been house, and trying to be a good wife to my busier-than-ever husband, I was at the end of my rope and my sanity. After the boys left, I had nothing left to give to Ronnie, I am sad to say. I was depleted on every level and I just needed to get away. I left on my soul vacation emptied and discovered along the way how full my life really is. It was rough on Ronnie and I at first, but after a couple of weeks, we started to miss each other. We began to have long conversations on the phone, discussing things that we hadn't been able to discuss in months because of our crazy schedules. We really started to prioritize those conversations and our time together was very special. The fire was reignited and we were longing to be together again. Praise God for that revival in our marriage. Needless to say, by the end of week 3, I was desperate to be back home. I began my 4-day journey back and retraced my steps back across this country. During my drive, I spent a lot of time in thought, in conversations with God, listening to music, listening to sermons online, and listening to a lot of books on disc. Among those books were: "Same Kind of Different as Me," "Bossypants," "Safe Haven," "Oogy," and "Love Wins." I really enjoyed my time on the road and wouldn't have traded it for anything. When I was driving back into San Antonio, I was on autopilot; I had one mission and that was to be home and in the arms of the man I love. To make a long story short, I got home safe and sound, and I had a smiling face and loving arms ready to embrace me:)

I have been home for a month now, and Ronnie and I are doing better than ever. We are taking some time to invest in "togetherness," working on our relationship before we continue Foster Care. We want to make sure we are ready before bringing precious little souls into our home. So for now, it's just us, and that's okay. Truly. I am so thankful to have such an amazing husband, that I can honestly say that I'm content if it's only ever just the 2 of us. I would love to have a child and my heart still longs for a baby, but I am already more blessed than any one person deserves to be. Thank You, God, for never leaving or forsaking me. And Thank You for teaching me about your grace and redemptive love by blessing me with Ronnie. My heart is happy.

The Sound of Silence

I know it has been a while since our last post... I apologize for neglecting our blog, but the longer time went by, the harder it was for me to figure out how to update you all on everything that has happened within the past couple of months. So, I have decided that I would split it up into 3 blogs and tell you all about where we've been, where we are, and where we are headed.

For those of you who don't know, the twins are in a new home. What was supposed to be a 2-week placement quickly turned into at least 4 weeks, then at least 6 weeks, then at least 2 months, then at least (realistically) 3-4 months. As you can see, things aren't always as they seem in this broken foster care system. And even though you may be quoted a specific time frame for your placement, you truly never know how long you are going to have the children. After initially hearing that the twins would be a short-term placement, I began making plans to visit my family over a 4-week time period, long after the twins would be placed in their adoptive home. There were 2 weddings and family reunion back in the Northwest that I really wanted to be present for, so I decided I would set off on a cross-country trip by myself and have some much-needed alone time. But as the boys' placement continued to be extended, I began to realize that I was going to have to make a decision: either we would have to find a new home for the boys or I was going to have to cancel my trip. Now, I know that the most honorable answer would be, "Cancel the trip! Why even consider otherwise?!" However, having 2 year old twins took quite a toll on Ronnie and I as a couple. As adorable as the boys were, they completely and utterly exhausted us in every possible way. By the end of each day, I was physically, spiritually and emotionally drained, as was Ronnie. Many children who come into the Foster Care system have a strained background, and these boys were, sadly, exposed to some trauma early-on that had affected their growth and development. It does not make them any less lovable than other children, it just usually means there are more challenges to overcome, aside from the typical day-to-day challenges of raising toddlers.

To make matters more strenuous, Ronnie and I had very limited time together. When doing Foster Care, the only people able to watch your foster kiddos have to be First Aid/CPR certified, TB tested and background-checked. This obviously restricted many people from being able to watch our kids, and it's very easy to burn-out the few people who do meet those criteria and are able (and willing) to take them so that Ronnie and I could have some alone time together. So, in our 3 months of foster parenting, we had 3 dates away from the kids. Going from "just Ronnie and Heather" for 6 years to being thrown 2-year-old twin boys was a bit much for us to handle. We not only lost our alone time, Ronnie was starting to fall behind in school. Ronnie is a full-time student for the military in the Army Baylor Physical Therapy Program; he is getting his Doctor of Physical Therapy degree in a very condensed time-frame, and he needs a lot of time to study. After doing Foster Care for 3 months, we still could not figure out how to balance time for him to get his much-needed study time in each day. He would have to leave the house and head to work early, stay late, go to coffee shops to study on the weekends, and try to absorb as much information as possible in this extremely demanding program. It just wasn't cutting it. We were both at our wits end and we knew the only solution to our sanity was the one thing we didn't want to do... find the boys a new home.

The last thing we wanted was to create an even more unstable situation for these children who had been moved from home to home to home over their 2 short years of life. But we knew that we couldn't possibly continue to give them what they needed when Ronnie and I were each suffering individually and as a couple. It was really taking a toll on our marriage and we needed to re-strengthen that if we were going to be strong enough for any other children in the future. The boys having to leave our home was inevitable, which gave us some solace. However, the guilt that came with making that decision is still something I have to battle on a daily basis. Their case worker was very gracious and understanding. She thanked us for the love we had given them and said that she believed we were doing the right thing, assuring us that the boys were going to be okay. Our agency wasn't exactly thrilled about our decision to find the boys a new home, but I know they love us and support us no matter what we decide to do in the future regarding Foster Care. I have to try and remember that Foster Care Agencies have a job to do and that job is ensuring that children in need have safe, loving homes. And I also need to remember that I have to take the time and ensure that my home, my marriage, and my relationship with God are all strong enough to handle those kiddos who will come in and turn my life upside-down, for better or worse:)

The boys have been gone for almost 2 months now, and it still amazes me how deafening the sound of silence can be. My house had been filled with laughter and crying and yelling and excitement and chaos for 3 months. Now it's just me and my dogs. And it is uncomfortably quiet. I keep the TV on a lot just to keep me company while I'm cleaning, doing laundry, organizing, cooking, and doing other chores around the house to keep myself busy. I do miss the sound of J & B (our first foster kiddos) playing make-believe with Buzz Lightyear and Woody. Or watching them dance to the music while they watch the movie "Tangled." Or laughing outside while chasing Ronnie in the backyard. And I do miss Q&J (our second foster kiddos) yelling "fishy!" every time they caught a puzzle-piece fish with their magnetic pole. Or hearing them splash around in the bathtub with toy boats. Or pushing them around in my beloved double stroller as we walked around the neighborhood. I really do miss it all. But I have to trust that for now I am right where God wants me to be... in the midst of silence so that I can hear Him more clearly.

I believe Ronnie and I will continue with Foster Care, but for now, we are taking a break working on "us." And how wonderful that has been:) I have truly fallen in love with my husband all over again and I am incredibly thankful that he is my partner in this crazy life. And as for that 4 week trip up north? I did end up going, and like to refer to it as my "soul vacation," which I will update you on in my next blog. Thank you all for your support as we navigate our way through this Foster-Adoptive journey. We love you all and are blessed to have you in our lives. Until next time...

-Heather

The Twins

Yes, we have twins. And they are crazy. Or maybe we are just crazy for saying "yes" when our agency called us needing a placement for a set of 2-year old twin boys. When we decided to take Q and J in, we were still recovering from the loss of our first set of foster kiddos, J and B. And while we still miss our first kids, these boys didn't give us another minute to mourn. They have filled each and every day with their presence and keep us busier than we ever cared to be. I lovingly refer to them as "double trouble" because, well, that is exactly what they are. Now, don't get me wrong, they have their moments where they melt my heart and take every negative thought away with their sweet little smiles. Then one of them throws a toy at my head and the other one is climbing on the coffee table and the warm fuzzies instantly disappear. I'm sure that what I am experiencing is what every parent experiences from time to time, especially parents of toddlers. Even though we have had the boys for almost 6 weeks, I think I'm just still getting used to having complete and utter chaos abiding in my home for the duration of my waking hours. I'm sure as soon as the boys leave our home, I'll only remember the happy times, much like my memories of our first kiddos (who were a challenge to say the least). But for now, it is really just hard work and I am finally beginning to see what I am made of as a mother.

The boys are in the process of being adopted by a family and we are just a temporary home before they are legally released from the state's care. So we will have to say good-bye to them in a few more weeks, which is definitely bittersweet. It was supposed to be a 30-day placement, which then turned into a 60-day placement, which is now turning into an unknown time frame. We just know that we have the boys now and we are trying desperately to make some sort of positive influence while they are in our home. It's difficult trying to teach a 2-year-old about Jesus, trying to figure out what they are able to comprehend at this young age. We are teaching them about praying to God before every meal and before bedtime. I sing songs with them everyday, such as the classic "Jesus Loves Me." We take them to church and they have a lot of interaction with Christian families. Also, when we take walks, we point out the trees and the sun and the birds and talk about all of the beautiful things that God has created. Is any of it sinking in? I really don't know. I just try to do as much as I can, not knowing what kind of home they are going to be growing up in. I know that we can only do as much as we can do, then we have to leave the rest up to the Lord.

As crazy as life is right now, I still praise God for the journey he is taking Ronnie and I on. It's not easy and it's not glamorous, but we continue to be obedient, never knowing what the next day is going to hold. I'd rather answer his calling today than just plan on doing it tomorrow. We are not guaranteed tomorrow. We are only guaranteed this very moment. So this very moment I choose to be a Foster Parent, I choose to bless the name of the Lord, and I choose to trust in God's plan for my life. I honestly believe that if I can handle a daily dose of twins, I can handle just about anything. Bring it on:)

-Heather

From Here Until Maternity...

I thought it would be important to give you all a Fertility update, as I noticed our entire blog has solely focused on Foster Care. Don't get me wrong, we are still passionate about our call to Foster Care, but we are also passionate about hopefully having biological children as well. And just as I mentioned months ago, we will continue to walk through open doors until they are closed. We feel that God has given us the opportunity to pursue Foster Care and fertility treatments simultaneously, so that is precisely what we are doing.

A few weeks ago Ronnie and I went through our first round of IntraUterine Insemination (IUI for those of you familiar with IF lingo:). Without going into too much detail, most of you probably know that these treatments follow a timeline and there is a detailed process we had to go through. The first day of my cycle occurred the day after our first set of foster kiddos, J and B, left our home. Not only was I mourning the loss of my foster angels, then my monthly "friend" had to come and make that situation 10 times more emotional. However, Ronnie and I both felt God telling us that it was time to take that next step in our fertility journey. We questioned the timing and figured that now was just as good a time as any. We began the process that included early morning lab work (driving 45 minutes to the other side of the city at 5:45am), trans-vaginal ultrasounds (it's as bad as it sounds), double doses of Clomid (if you've been there, you feel my pain), and an at-home hormone injection (enough said). Finally the day came for the procedure. This was not the most comfortable procedure, for either Ronnie or me, but we got through it and played the waiting game for 2 weeks. Those weeks were filled with a lot of anticipation and hope... more hope than we have had for a long time. I began having some symptoms and truly felt deep down inside that I was pregnant. Ronnie made me promise to wait to take an at-home pregnancy test until the 2-week mark, just as our fertility specialist directed. So finally the morning that we had been waiting for came. And before I could even open the box, I saw that I was starting my period. I was devastated. I knew that this procedure was not a guarantee and I knew that there was only a 30% chance that it would even be successful. But regardless of the statistics, I held out hope. That day, my hopes were once again crushed as I realized that I wasn't pregnant after all. It wasn't a new feeling, in fact, it's a feeling all too familiar. I have had so many of those days that I don't even know what I would do with myself if I actually ever was pregnant. I hope and pray that someday I get to experience that feeling of utter shock and complete joy. But right now I am continuing to mourn and move past "what could have been." Luckily I'm not alone. This was difficult for Ronnie as well and I am thankful to be going through this with him. I am choosing to embrace my reality as a Foster Mom and trying to give thanks in all circumstances.

Ronnie and I have discussed the possibility of going through another round of IUI, but for now we are taking a break. As much of a toll that the preparation took on my body, emotionally it's a lot to go through as well. As I was sitting in one of the patient rooms at the military fertility clinic while preparing for the IUI, I saw a poster on the wall that said, "From Here Until Maternity." I thought, "Wow, what a clever play on words." But the more I think about it, that statement represents so many women who are trying desperately to have their "own" biological children. It is such a dark and painful road to travel; it's a pain that no one can claim to feel unless you have walked that road yourself. But I began to realize that I don't want "Maternity" to be the only option for my destination. I know that I will be a mother, whether or not I ever get pregnant or give birth. But I want my life to be so much more than Motherhood. Being a mother is important to me, but it is no longer the ultimate goal of my life. What I truly desire is for my life to reflect the life of Christ, as a mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend, coworker, citizen, human being. "From Here Until ETERNITY"... I think that message would be a little more encouraging on a fertility clinic poster, don't you?

-Heather

Gone

And just as quickly as they came, they were gone. Our precious little Foster Kiddos, J and B, left our home to live with their Grandmother 2 weeks ago. I haven't yet posted for the sole reason that it has been a difficult grieving process losing them, and I couldn't bring myself to write about it. I'm sorry to have left all of you in the dark, but I wanted to share our experience, as it is a very common story for many parents who choose to foster.

Wednesday started like any other day. The kids woke me up earlier than I would have liked, we had breakfast, went on a walk, played with some toys, had lunch, and the kids went down for a nap. During their nap I received a call from our Case Manager, which was expected since there was to be a court hearing that day. I figured she would tell me the permanency plan and how long we should expect to have the kids. Little did I know that that time was coming to a close. Unbeknownst to us, there was a grandmother in the picture who was willing to take custody of both children. The judge approved her Home Study and ordered the children to be removed from Foster Care immediately and taken to Grandma's. When my Case Manager told me this, I was in shock. I literally couldn't believe was I was hearing. I couldn't catch my breath, I started shaking, and I started to sob uncontrollably. The entire experience still feels a little bit like a dream, or maybe "nightmare" would be a better word to describe it. I had to wake the kids up from their nap, explain to them what was happening, and pack them each a bag with their clothes and belongings. I called Ronnie and told him to come home from work immediately because I couldn't do this alone. I tried to hold myself together and stay positive because I knew that the kids would be glad to see their Grandma; when little J asked why I was crying, I explained to him that I was so excited that he got to go live with Grandma, but that I was just sad because I was going to miss him and B. Very uncharacteristically, he then told me, "I will miss you too, Miss Heather." My heart shattered and I held onto him as tight as I ever have, trying to hold myself together in the process. Ronnie got home shortly thereafter and helped me pack because all I could bring myself to do was hold Baby B in my arms, walking around in a daze. Then we heard the doorbell and a random CPS worker was there to take away the kids. We took a minute to sit down and pray with the kids, crying out to God to protect them and guide them all the days of their lives. After that it was time to say good-bye. It broke my heart to buckle our kiddos into a strange man's car, close the door, and watch them drive away, knowing we may never see them again. Tears still come to my eyes when I think about it. All in all we had the children in our home for 6 weeks. For those who are unfamiliar with Foster Care, it may not seem that long. For those of you who have Fostered, you know the intense bonds that can be formed in that amount of time. It literally felt like someone was taking my children away and I didn't know how my heart would ever heal.

These past 2 weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions. We weren't given much time to grieve because we had Ronnie's "little brother" from Big Brothers/Big Sisters in NM come to visit us the very next day. He was coming for his summer vacation and was going to be with us for 10 days. We were excited to see him, but we knew that our spirits weren't exactly welcoming at the moment. But as always, God's timing is perfect. He knew that we needed a Little Bro to fill our house with a child's voice so that we wouldn't be too lonely. And He knew that we needed a 9-year-old energetic child to love in order to fill that void of losing J and B. As difficult as God's timing can be, I take heart in the fact that I can trust in His plan. His plan truly is perfect. We continue to mourn the loss of our first Foster Kiddos, but now our role as their parents ends and the role of their prayer warriors begins.

Ronnie and I thought that we were going to need some time to heal before taking in more kids. Enter: God. Again, He had some children in mind that He wanted in our home. 2 of them. Twins to be exact:) 5 days after J and B left, we got a call for a placement and felt God telling us to say "Yes." So, we obeyed and said "Yes!" The next morning our agency brought over a set of 2-year-old twin boys, J and Q. We knew up front that this was going to be a short-term placement, which was good. In my opinion, it's much easier to know what to expect going into a placement situation, but we also realize that nothing is ever 100%. The plan (for now) is for the boys to be placed in an adoptive home. There is a family who is planning on adopting them and their 3 older siblings, so the boys are staying with us as a temporary placement until they can go to their new adoptive home. There is a chance that this family can change their mind, in which case, the kids' Case Worker would have to start from square one to find an adoptive home for all 5 kids. In that case, we would be keeping the boys much longer. But for now, we have twins. Life is busy, but life is good. Ronnie and I are continuing to learn a lot through this process and we find our trust in the Lord deepening with every challenging experience. It is truly by His guidance and grace that we make it through each day. Thank you, Lord, for your redeeming love.

-Heather

Finally a Foster Family

For all of those who wondered, yes, we're still alive. Alive and well:) Shortly after my last post (over a month ago now... sorry...), we received a possible placement call for a sibling group of 2 and we said, "YES!" We weren't given very much information about the kids because it was an emergency placement. We had their ages and only knew 1 of their names. We were also told the reason they were being removed from their home and the rest of the details weren't available. We just trusted in our instincts and knew that if they were meant to be with us, they would be. After 5 hours of hearing nothing back, we figured we didn't get the placement and went along with our day, which included picking up my parents at the airport who were coming to visit over Easter weekend. After they arrived and we were pulling out of the airport parking lot, my phone rang and our Case Manager said, "Hey! You got the kids! We're doing placement tonight!" My mind went fuzzy and my heart skipped a beat. I couldn't believe my ears. I gave Ronnie and my parents a quick briefing on what was about to happen and realized that this was about to be a very life-changing day. Right after we got home from the airport my phone rang again. Our Case Manager informed us that they were on their way over with the kiddos as we spoke. They would be there in less than 30 minutes. WHAT?!?! I hadn't even given my mom a tour of the house and here we were expecting little kiddos to grace our presence any minute. We all prepared for the kids as best as we could. I put on a movie, prepared some snacks, and got out some stuffed animals that I had saved for our future kiddos. The rest of the day was a blur. It all happened so quickly that I can't remember every detail. I know that our little girl arrived first. She is 1 year old and absolutely beautiful. I got teary eyed the first time I laid eyes on her as they pulled her out of the car. She was breathtaking. At first she was really nervous and shy (understandably so) and it took her a little while to warm up to us. Our little boy arrived about 15 minutes later and instantly ran in to hug his sister. He was so glad to see her and I could see relief in his eyes knowing that she was here with him, safe and sound. This little guy is 4 years old and such a cutie pie. He was also pretty nervous for a while, but he quickly began feeling out his surroundings and discovering what he could play with. One of the kid's Case Workers played with the kids while Ronnie and I filled out paperwork. Over an hour went by and we were still signing documentation. It was crazy how much paper we shuffled that afternoon. My parents stayed out in the backyard with the dogs and just read for a while so that we could deal with everything going on inside. After we were done and everyone had gone, there we were. A Foster Family. Finally:) We sat down with the kiddos and explained to them that their mom wasn't able to take care of them for a little while, and during that time they were going to stay with us. Our little guy had a lot of questions and we tried to answer them as best as we could, but there is only so much you can say to a scared and confused 4 year old to help him understand. We just had to hope and trust that he would begin to adjust over time.

Having my parents here was actually the best possible scenario. At first I was disappointed that we weren't going to have any alone time with them, but God knew exactly what He was doing. I truly don't know what we would have done without Mom and Jay here when the kids arrived. They were so incredibly helpful and they had the opportunity to bond with the children during their stay. Another reminder that God's timing truly is perfect:) While Ronnie took the kids to the park for some play time, my parents and I went to Target for a last-minute shopping spree. $600 later we left with everything we thought we needed to survive at least a week with the kids. I know that sounds like a lot of money, but we did have a lot of gift cards from friends and family, plus Mom & Jay pitched in as well. It surprised me to see how much I actually needed to get for the kids. We thought we had the house prepared, but there was so much more that we actually needed. Diapers, wipes, shirts, pants, shorts, sweatshirts, dresses, pajamas, underwear, socks, shoes, Easter basket stuff, toys, food, and the list goes on and on. We had received some hand-me-downs from friends ahead of time, but unfortunately none of the sizes were what we needed for our new foster kiddos. We came home with a lot of bags and some Chick-fil-A for dinner (can I just give a little shout-out and say how much I LOVE Chick-fil-A?!) We fed some hungry kids, did bath-time, story-time, prayer-time, and bed-time. The first night with the kids actually went pretty well, surprisingly. They were still pretty nervous and didn't know why they were staying in this strange house, but they had a great night of sleep. Our little girl woke up crying a couple of times, but our little guy was so worn out that we had to actually wake him up at 10:00 the next morning because he was still sleeping. Now I know that he actually likes to wake up by 7:30, but he had a lot to sleep off those first few nights.

Easter weekend was a whirlwind. We went out to dinner (BIG mistake after just 1 day with new foster kids), did an Easter-Egg hunt, went to church, had a BBQ, went to the park, watched movies, played games, and just had some great bonding time as a family. The kids also got really attached to Mom and Jay, so it was another big transition when they had to leave the day after Easter.Luckily now the kiddos know who they are and our little guy talks about them whenever he sees them in picture frames; he even lovingly calls them "Gramma Pamma" and "Papa Jay Jay." I'm so thankful for my family and how supportive and loving they have all been throughout this process.

I truly believe that no matter how much you prepare or how "ready" you might be to have kids, nothing, I repeat NOTHING, can prepare you for that dose of reality. We have had many ups and downs as a new Foster Family and it has been 100 times more challenging than I ever would have expected. This is not to worry or scare anyone who might be looking into Foster Care themselves... there definitely are rewards during this journey, but usually not without some heartache along the way. We have now had our kiddos for a little over a month and are finally settling into a routine. Ronnie and I try to stay really consistent with the kids, and we want to give them a positive image of what a strong, loving family should look like. We are starting to see some small improvements as we continue to face major challenges. Our little girl is absolutely precious and she already feels like "ours." Our little guy has good and bad days, but he struggles with some pretty extreme behavioral and emotional issues, which we will be working through for quite a while. But we love him and are committed to see this through to the end, by the Grace of God, whether it be reunification or adoption. I really don't know how non-Christians navigate their way through Foster Care without a relationship with the Lord. It is only by His strength that we are able to get through these challenges each day and I praise God that His mercies are new every morning.

Tonight I am not going to go into great detail about what the past month has looked like. Sleep can be a little difficult to come by in this house recently, so I need to make my way up to bed shortly. I really just wanted to give you all an update on where we've been and where we are. I'm sorry for keeping you all in the dark until now; what a bad blogger I've been. I'm sure many of you parents can relate to the busyness that overcomes you once your day is centered around children. It's difficult to find time just to check my email much less type out an entire blog post. But I will do my best to try and do an update at least every two weeks to fill you all in on the new adventures of the Miller Foster Family. Thank you all for your support and prayers. Please keep them coming... we need them now more than ever!

-Heather

Adopted by God

I found this on another blog and wanted to share it with you all. Please remember that we are ALL adopted into God's Family.

-Heather

The Call

Well, it's official! We are Licensed Foster-Adoptive Parents! Hooray! This past week has been a roller coaster of emotions as we have been preparing for licensure. The ups and downs continued today as we finally received our first call for an emergency placement. My phone rang, I saw that it was our Foster Care Agency, and my heart started pounding; I knew that they were calling us for a placement. As expected, on the the other line I heard the statement, "Are you sitting down? We might have a placement for you! What would you think about taking in a 3-day-old baby boy?" Naturally I cried, "Yes!" Luckily Ronnie and I had sat down a few days prior and discussed what we were willing to say "yes" to so that we could speak for one another if necessary. So she gave me a little more information about the baby, encouraged me to get a hold of a carseat, and told me she was going to go submit our Home Study immediately. After I got off the phone with her I burst into tears. I couldn't believe the flood of emotions that came over me at that moment. I instantly began imagining our lives with this little wonder and my heart began to expand like never before. As it just so happens, my current go-to song was playing right at that very moment ("Like An Avalanche" by Hillsong United), I was in one of the kiddo's rooms preparing to fold newborn boy baby clothes given to me by my sister, and I couldn't believe the blessing that was about to come into our lives in a matter of hours. I knelt down, tears streaming down my face, and just worshipped. I praised God for this baby and thanked him for where our journey was taking us. Ronnie was due home any second, so I went outside and waited for him on the porch to deliver the good news as quickly as possible. Then the phone rang. It was the agency. Another couple had responded a few minutes quicker than we did. The baby was being placed with another family. He wasn't coming to our home. And just like that it was over. I was assured that another placement would come, possibly even tomorrow. But at that point, sorrow had already begun to fill my soul. Ronnie arrived home just as I was getting off the phone with our agency and I attempted to tell him what had just happened in the last 5 minutes of my life. He comforted me and assured me that the right kiddos will come at the right time. And in my head I know that. My heart, however, takes a bit more convincing. I don't know if it's a maternal thing, but I felt an instant connection to this child that I will never meet. Just hearing his name and knowing I may get to be his mother, even if only for a short time, filled me with more joy than I can express. Then hearing that we were too late was a pretty big blow. My emotions since that last call have been all over the place. I tried to explain it to Ronnie the only way I knew how, which makes this situation a bit more painful due to years of infertility. I told him that it felt like I got a call from my doctor telling me that he received my blood work and it shows that I am pregnant and will finally receive the long-awaited desire of my heart, only to get another call a few minutes later with him telling me that he accidently read the wrong record, and it turns out someone else is pregnant and will be receiving that blessing I've always dreamed about, sorry, better luck next time. I know that's a strange perspective, but that's how it feels. Just very raw and very real. I'm sure this journey will continue to be a roller coaster of emotions I've never experienced before, but I know that I'm up for the ride of a lifetime. And luckily I have the best husband a girl could ask for. Tonight Ronnie held me and comforted me and let me have it out, which is what I needed. Who knows, tomorrow we might be parents. But tonight, it's just us, and I'm trying to be okay with that. Lord, please continue to remind me that your plan is perfect and that you are in control. And more than anything, help me to realize that it's not about me and what I want! It's all about you and your precious children and what they need. You know what sweet little souls are supposed to be with us. Please help us to wait patiently until you bring them "home."

On the Road to Recovery...

Hello world! I want to thank you all for your prayers and well-wishes as I recover from surgery. It was performed this past Monday at Wilford Hall which is located on Lackland AFB across town. Ronnie and I arrived at 5:00 am and waited until the clinic opened at 5:15. I was registered and placed in a room right away, and Ronnie got to wait with me before I was wheeled back to the "holding arena" at about 6:15. I was sitting there alone in semi-darkness, staring head-on at another patient who was waiting for surgery, having nothing to do but wait. The traffic began to pick up after a while and I was visited by a team of people who were prepping me for surgery. The IV was successful after 2 tries and before I knew it, I hadn't a care in the world after a visit from my Anesthesiologist:) I was wheeled back to the Operating Room, greeted by my surgeon, and that's the last thing I remember. As I slowly came to after surgery, I remember being wheeled back to my recovery room, getting my vital signs, and doing some more sleeping. Before I knew it, Ronnie was by my side and I began to wake up. I had some applesauce, saltines, water and meds. My fertility specialist came into my room to give me the prognosis of my surgery. It turns out that there were no traces of Endometriosis whatsoever! Praise God! They did find some tissue in my Uterus that needed to be taken care of, so they went ahead and performed a D&C. He also found a cyst in my left ovary, so they drained that as well. So all in all, my surgery consisted of a Laparoscopy, a Hysteroscopy, a D&C, an HSG, and a Cyst Aspiration. Just glad I was asleep for all of that:) After a couple of hours I was dressed, in the car, and on my way home. When we got back, Ronnie helped me up to our room and I slept on and off for the rest of the day. Since then I have been resting and trying to get as much sleep as possible, which has been wonderful. I had one big outing to Walgreens yesterday, so that was the peak of my excitement this week. Ronnie has been doing all he can to ensure that I am comfortable and healing well... so thankful for him:) I haven't had to take any more anti-nausea pills, so I am solely on Motrin, which is great. I am still dealing with pain and fatigue, but that is to be expected. Compared to my ear surgery back in October, to help correct Otosclerosis in my left ear, this recovery has been 100 times better. Before my surgery, I prayed that my recovery would be fast and pleasant (well, as pleasant as possible:). I am so thankful that this prayer has been answered and I am on the road to healing. I am hoping that I will feel well enough to take foster kids by early next week, but I'm not planning on jumping the gun. I am giving myself time to heal and I know we will get our kiddos when the time is right. Thank you again to all of you who have partnered with us in prayer, whether for Foster Care or for my surgery. We are thankful to have you all on our team:)

-Heather

Tomorrow

Hello everyone. I want to thank you for all of your prayers during these last few days. I definitely felt constantly surrounded in prayer and I took all of your comments to heart. After much consideration, discussion, and prayer, I have decided to go ahead with our original plan and get surgery tomorrow. I know that as much as I want to help foster children, I can only be a good mom after I take care of myself first. So tomorrow morning, at 4:15 am, we leave for the hospital at Lackland AFB. I have to be there by 5:15 and my surgery is scheduled for 7:30. I should be in recovery anywhere between 9-11 am, depending on what they find and how long the surgery ends up taking. I appreciate your continued prayers and I will update you all in the next few days to let you know the diagnosis (or lack-of) post-surgery. Ronnie will be by my side tomorrow, so please feel free to contact him if you want a quick update. Thank you again for your prayers and for investing in Ronnie and me. We truly are blessed to have so many family members and friends who love and support us:)

-Heather

A Loss for Words

After a terrible night of tossing and turning, my heart is searching for the words to reflect how I feel right now. As you all know, Ronnie and I have been struggling with Infertility for the past 3.5 years. This has caused emotional pain that I never knew existed until navigating my way through it. However, we have finally gotten to the point where we know that God has called us to be parents to children who are already in the world... children of our hearts. We know we are called to do this whether or not we are ever able to have our own biological children.

Back in January we were informed that we had been accepted into the military's "Reproductive Assistance Program," which just happens to be headquartered right here in San Antonio. They accept very few couples each year, so we felt very fortunate to have been chosen, especially since the clinic is at Lackland Air Force Base, a mere 45 minute drive from our home. As we started delving more into Foster Care & Adoption Trainings, Fertility care seemed to take a back seat. I was still doing all that I was asked to do, but the office stopped returning my calls, which became increasingly frustrating. Finally after 2 months of not hearing anything back from the clinic, I decided to give it one more try then give up for good. I remember saying, "Okay God, I'm going to call one more time. If I don't get my call returned, I will take it as a sign that you are closing this door for us. I don't know why you would close it, especially since you just opened it, but we are trusting you." So, I decided to call my Specialist directly (instead of the front office) and he picked up the phone after 2 rings. I was in shock! I was just getting ready to leave a message (my final message) and here I am talking to the one person I have been trying to get a hold of for months. I explained to him my frustration with not getting my calls returned and also explained to him the severe pain I had been experiencing in my lower abdomen. Now, since there are men reading this blog, I will spare the details of the conversation. But this led us to the discussion of possible Endometriosis. If you don't know what that is, feel free to Google it, and it will explain why I may be feeling this intense pain all the time. Of course, the only way to truly diagnose Endometriosis is to have diagnostic surgery, a procedure called a Laparoscopy. This surgery is somewhat "time sensitive" and should really only happen at certain times of the month, which meant that I needed to schedule it ASAP so I could have surgery before getting Foster Kiddos. We ended up scheduling it for Monday, April 4 (yes, this coming Monday) and have been getting everything in line, full steam ahead.

As chance would have it (or maybe something other than chance), as I was at my pre-surgery appt. this past Tuesday, I heard my phone buzzing in my purse. As soon as the Nurse left the room, I checked my message. It was from our Foster Agency and they told me that they may have a possible placement for Ronnie and I. My heart skipped a beat and it took my breath away. I always knew this call would come, but I didn't expect it so soon, especially as I was gearing up to have surgery the following week. I knew there was no way I could chase around a little toddler days after this surgery, so I had to make the difficult decision to turn down the placement and inform the agency that we wouldn't be able to take any kids until at least a week after the surgery, so that I would have adequate time to heal. Well, what I didn't expect is that the very next day, yesterday, would be the day that 100 children in our area were taken out of their homes to be placed in Foster Care. This Foster Care "need" just turned into a full-blown emergency! There were so many kids that needed homes and not nearly enough Foster Homes available; even Emergency Shelters were full and turning children away because they didn't have enough room. And here I am sitting with my coffee, typing on my computer, trying to prepare for my upcoming surgery, while numerous children have nowhere safe to go. I am struggling with the urge to just cancel my surgery and say, "Yes, bring them here! Endometriosis or not, we have beds that can be filled and we have so much love to give!" I called the Agency to share with them my feelings (did I mention how much I LOVE being licensed by a Christian Foster Care Agency?) and they talked with me with love and rationality, encouraging me to stick to my plans to have my surgery, and we will all pray for a quick recovery so that we are able to accept kids into our home hopefully by next weekend. Ronnie also thinks we should stick to the original plan and get this surgery over with now, knowing that there will be plenty of children who could possibly be placed with us a week from now. I don't want to interfere with God's plan; I just wish I knew what it was. So now I am praying for wisdom that God will reveal to me what He truly wants me to do, because I don't have peace either way. I couldn't even sleep last night as I lay there, thinking about all of the sweet little souls that had nowhere safe to go last night, and wishing that there was more I could do.

Here are the questions I'm struggling with right now: God, what is going on in the world? How could this be happening? Why are there so many parents who hurt their kids? Why do these people continue to have children, yet Ronnie and I haven't been able to conceive ourselves? And where are those who are willing to step up and say, "We have room! Bring them here!" What kind of society do we live in where apparently Christianity is the dominant religion, yet so many of us are unwilling to take in orphans and other children in need? I know that not everyone feels called to Foster Care, however, why do so many people choose to ignore this crisis and stay in their comfort zones? Please Lord, burden the hearts of more people so that there will always be a safe place for a child in need.

Wow, I guess I wasn't at a loss for words at all. I think I just have too many words and I don't know how to adequately express them all. I haven't reached any sort of conclusion yet; I'm just praying that God will make it very clear to me what I should do over these next couple of days. I will update you all either way and let you know what next week should look like. Surgery or not, we should be Licensed and have children in our home within the next week or two. Ronnie and I covet your prayers during this unsettling time.

-Heather

The Home Study

Home Study? Check! It's actually been about 3 weeks since we had our Home Study, but I somehow didn't prioritize a blog post about this extremely important step to becoming Licensed Foster-Adoptive Parents! For those of you who have gone through this, you know what a relief it is to have it finally put behind you. For those of you who are still awaiting your Home Study, I want to encourage you and let you know that it's not nearly as scary as it seems! I was so incredibly nervous before our Case Manager came to our house. Ronnie will tell you that I was less than enjoyable as I ran around the house checking and re-checking every insignificant corner of the house to make sure that it was spotless. I wanted our home to look welcoming and cozy, but not sterile. I also wanted it to look obviously lived-in, but not messy. I was an uptight mess and I am so thankful to have a patient husband who puts up with my compulsive OCD behavior at times. Here is the story of our Study.

Our Case Manager arrived and I nervously welcomed him in to our house. We had met him a few times in the past at our agency's functions, so I was thankful that he was a familiar face. He instantly put us at ease and explained the process of how the Home Study was going to go. We all poured ourselves some coffee and got ready for what we knew was going to be quite the evening. First he sat down with me and interviewed me one-on-one for about an hour and 15 minutes. This usually goes faster, but I can be a talker, so I'm sure I gave way more information than I actually needed to. Ronnie's personal interview followed and was a shorter 45 minutes, which I expected. Next he spoke with both of us and gave us each an opportunity to answer questions pertaining to our marriage and how we handle various situations. I will tell you that all of the questions the Case Manager asks go very deep and get very personal. While some of them are hard to discuss at times, I know that they are necessary so that the agency can really get to know their Foster Families and paint a very clear picture of each individual person, including what roles their pasts have played in helping them become who they are today. The C.M. also gave us some great resources that other Foster Families use, depending on the issues they may be faced with when receiving Foster Children in their home. He made the question/answer process go very smoothly and we were thankful for a positive experience.

After the intense interview process, we gave our Case Manager a tour of the house. He looked for various details, such as outlet covers, a weapons safe, and fire escape plans posted in each room. He also compared each room with the copy of our home floor plan that we had provided the agency with ahead of time. He assured us that we had taken all of the right steps to prepare our home for children, including have the kids' bedrooms set up and ready. At one point, he commented that our home looked "immaculate," and I was so thankful that he was happy with what he saw and thankful for what God has blessed us with so that we can in turn bless His children. Our C.M. also thought it was humorous that so many families take so much time to clean their house so intensely before his arrival. He said that while the home should be clean, he's looking for so many other things aside from dust and dirt. He's ensuring that the home environment is ready to bring children into so that they have a safe place to heal and belong, whether the carpets are vacuumed or not. I suddenly felt ridiculous for previously ensuring that the hand towel looked perfect hanging in the guest bathroom. His comments really put me in my place as I thought about what else I could do in our home to prepare... not just to ensure that it's clean, but that it's ready to be a hospital for children's hearts. What a reality check.

Next our Case Manager needed to observe us doing an activity together, so we chose to cook dinner. We tried to act naturally as someone sat and watched our every move, watched how we spoke to each other, interacted with each other, and helped each other with a common task. Of course, we were on our best behavior and made sure that we were treating each other with respect, but also quietly laughing, realizing how ridiculous it felt to have someone watch us make dinner. After the dinner was done, we sat down and asked our C.M. some questions about what to expect after the Home Study. Those questions turned into an additional 45 minutes (again, I'm a talker...), so by the time we got to our Spaghetti dinner, it was cold and mushy, not to mention unappetizing because of some new soy-based noodles we were using that turned out to be disgusting. From start to finish, our Home Study lasted about 5 hours. I know. We said good-bye to the C.M., took a deep breath, and hugged each other out of pure relief. Our Home Study was done. The one thing we were nervously anticipating was over, and we were one step closer to becoming parents. Wow.

Since then the Home Study has been typed up, we have 2 more documents to turn into our agency, and we should be licensed within the next couple of weeks! I'll send out an update once we find out we are licensed, then we should be getting kiddos soon after. Unfortunately, there is a great need in this area, as they receive multiple calls a day for Foster placements in San Antonio. Now we are just praying for those children who are enduring abuse or neglect at this very moment and will be placed in our home in a matter of weeks. Lord, place your loving hand of protection over these children. Prepare our home and our hearts for their hurting souls so that we can give them a place to heal and experience the miracle of Your unfailing love. Amen.

-Heather

Failure Is Not An Option

Wow, I'm sorry that it's been so long since I've given you all an update! Bronchitis, numerous trainings, and family visits have kept me a bit occupied, but now it's time to sit down and fill you all in on our continuing journey. Due to recent conversations I've had with some people, I feel as though I need to clarify something that is weighing heavily on my heart... Ronnie and I did not choose Foster Care as an easy and glamorous lifestyle. We are not doing this just to become parents. Nor are we doing this with the thought that we can change our minds if it gets too challenging. There is no "return policy" for these kids, as one person so rudely suggested. They are not appliances. They are not hamsters. They are not dollar store items. They are CHILDREN! They are human beings! They are God's precious miracles that have survived tremendous tragedy and lived to tell the tale. We should feel HONORED to be the ones who take in these hurting souls and give them a place to heal. These kids need all of the love and support we can give them, no matter how daunting it may seem. And here's the thing... we are merely weeks away from becoming licensed Foster-Adoptive Parents. Now is NOT the time to question us about our choices or try to get us to change our minds. This is what WE have chosen for US and, quite frankly, what a lot of others should also choose to do, if only they were brave enough to take that leap of faith. While we do have room for children, we do not have room for naysayers. We do not need people's criticism, we need their encouragement. We KNOW that this is what God has put upon our hearts, so we ask that you please keep your negativity to yourselves and surround us with prayer as we enter this new world. God has called us to do this, so we KNOW He will equip us with everything we need along the way. We are not expecting it to be easy and we are not expecting anything from these children in return. They are not here to meet our needs, we are here to meet theirs. We are doing this for the love of God's Children. Period. And for now, that's all I have to say.

-Heather

Interaction

Ronnie and I are going through a wonderful Agency to help us along this journey toward Foster Adoption. They are a Christian Agency that helps families, like ourselves, prepare to become licensed Foster and Adoptive Parents. This Agency has been there every step of the way and is really helping us to get licensed as quickly as possible. Part of their requirements for families are doing "interactive hours" with Foster and Adoptive Children. Just as student teachers do interactive hours with students before they start teaching, I think it's just as important for prospective Foster Families to have some interaction with actual Foster Kids before they become licensed and bring these kids into their homes. Last weekend we each did our first 5 hours with about 25 Foster Kids and it was a blast:) We got to play with the kiddos, do arts & crafts, take them to the park, feed them dinner, and help rock some babies to sleep. We were definitely exhausted by the end of the night, but it was worth it. There was one baby in particular that absolutely loved Ronnie. He started out holding her at the beginning of the night and she was in Heaven:) In fact, she wouldn't let anyone else hold her the rest of the evening, myself included. It was fun to watch him talking to her, playing with her and rocking her to sleep. It was such a beautiful image and I can't wait to see him as a father. This weekend we have another event to earn more interactive hours. We'll be playing outdoor sports, carnival games, and having a picnic with other Foster Families and their kiddos. Should be lots of fun!

Onto other news... our Home Study is scheduled for NEXT WEEK! We have almost everything ready in our house for the Study, but we still need to buy another bed, 3 mattresses and 2 trundle mattresses. Wow, that's a bit much, isn't it... We covet your prayers as we enter into this next week. The Home Study is such an important step in this process and we are so thankful that we already have it scheduled. It should be at least 3-4 hours and from what I hear, it's pretty intense. But we're really looking forward to it and hope that our Caseworker is happy with what he/she observes in our home. I will make sure and update everyone after the Home Study is completed next week, and I'll also post some pictures once the bedrooms are decorated as well.

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend. As for us, we have some more preparing to do, so we better get to it!

-Heather

Nesting

Today Ronnie and I took a big step in our pursuit to become foster-adoptive parents... we bought bunk beds:) These beds are the first big-ticket item that we've purchased for our "someday" children that may be in our home sooner than later. As we prepare to be parents, I have felt the strong desire to create this into a kid-friendly home, one room at a time. A big part of my nesting process was purchasing these bunk beds, which Ronnie is putting together in "Child Room #1" as we speak:)

As Ronnie and I originally began to discuss the kinds of children that could be coming into our home, we realized that we were setting some pretty high standards as to what we were "comfortable" with; babies or toddlers, no sibling groups, no severe special needs, and no children for emergency care (only those already available for adoption). Well, we had our first day of Foster Care training last weekend and it really opened our eyes. Everything we thought we wanted previously has now changed. We had some question & answer time with a lot of Foster Families and it was our favorite part of the training. It was so refreshing to get first-hand accounts of what they experience on a day-to-day basis, both challenging and rewarding aspects. One of the highlights was meeting a fellow military family (who have also struggled with infertility) and they went from having no children to a sibling group of 3 overnight. On top of that, they took in another child, to bring the total to 4 kids under the age of 5. What an inspiration! They did end up purchasing a mini-van for their growing family, which I still am boycotting as long as possible; SUV's all the way if I can help it:) We also met another couple around our age who went from being childless to adopting an 8-year-old girl; they told us that God gave them everything they needed to raise that child and they love her as if she was their very own. It was devastating to hear that these "older" children have such a hard time getting adopted because they don't fit the "desirable" criteria. Yes, they may have more issues than younger kids, but they are still in need of so much love and stability. Needless to say, our hearts have changed. We are now open to a broader range of ages for the children, we are more than willing to bring in sibling groups, we will accept children with moderate special needs, and we are almost certain that we will be taking kids in on an emergency, as-needed basis. There are just too many kids out there who need a home for us to be picky. I'm not saying that people should not have certain preferences or requirements, because I think they can and should. It's just that for us, we know that God is calling us out of our comfort zone. Bottom line, they are all precious children of God and they desperately need the love and security of a forever family. We are now just praying for the children that will eventually be coming into our home: boy or girl, an only child or sibling groups, easy or troubled, sensitive or angry, here for a short time or in our lives forever. We know that God's plan is perfect and we trust that he knows what is in store for our family.

So, as Ronnie is finishing up the bunk-beds and putting the final pieces together, I can't help but daydream about the sweet little souls that will be sleeping in those beds, possibly in the next couple months. I imagine them climbing up and down the ladder, arranging their stuffed animals by their pillow, and saying their prayers before they fall asleep. I feel so blessed that God has allowed us to purchase these beds so we can finally be one step closer to bringing children into our home. For now, I still have quite a bit of preparing to do before our home-study. And I am enjoying every minute of it... cleaning out the bedrooms, child-proofing the house, picking out kids furniture, choosing comforter sets, and purchasing a bright green piggy bank:) I hope and pray that these kids will someday have a happy and comfortable place to call "home."

-Heather

Blog World, Here We Come!

Hello Friends, Family, and Followers! I have been viewing blogs for quite a while now and finally came to the realization that I needed to have a blog of my very own. With everything going on in our lives, it's hard to keep everyone updated on the "Miller Happenings" in a timely manner. Hopefully, through blogging, this will give you all glimpse into our lives. A little background on our journey, for those of you who are not (yet) a friend or family member...

Ronnie and I have been married for 5 1/2 amazing years. I can truly say that I married my best friend and I am so thankful that he chose me to spend his life with. Ronnie is in the military and between trainings, TDY's and Deployments, we have been apart for over a year during our marriage. I believe that those separations have made us into a stronger team and we are committed to overcome life's challenges together.

For the past 3 1/2 years, we have been journeying along the dark road of Infertility. I always dreamed of being a mother, so this was never something that I considered would be a part of my life. When Ronnie and I got married, we planned on being young parents and filling our house until it was overflowing with kids. We soon realized that our "plans" weren't necessarily aligning with God's plans. Infertility became a part of our lives, for better or worse. We entered the world of temperature charts, invasive procedures, and too many failed pregnancy tests to count, all the while crying out to God to remove this thorn from our lives. We have experienced so many highs and lows affiliated with IF; there have been days so dark that I find it difficult even to get out of bed in the morning. But through it all, God has never left our side. Because we lived in a somewhat rural area, we weren't able to see an actual Infertility Specialist until we moved to Texas. In January we were accepted into the Military's "Reproductive Assistance" Program, here in San Antonio, and we're receiving excellent specialty care as we continue to seek out the source of our Infertility. We believe that God has opened this door for us, so we gratefully taking advantage of this opportunity. We hope and pray to have a child biologically, but we are also trying to come to terms with the fact that it may not be in God's Plan.

As we continue to seek Fertility Care, we are also taking another leap of faith. God put adoption on my heart as we continued to experience IF. I started researching International Adoption and Domestic Adoption, and I began to wonder how we could financially afford to adopt. Meanwhile, God was working on my husband's heart as well. Ronnie came to me and revealed that he thought we should pursue the Foster-to-Adopt Program. I was amazed that both he and I felt led to adopt and we knew that this was a special calling from God. As we researched Foster-Adoption, we began to see what a great need there is to find homes for children, right here in our own city. There are over 145 million orphans in the world, 120,000 in the United States, and at least 12,000 in the state of Texas alone. We simply cannot ignore these startling statistics any longer. The good new is that we are not alone in answering this important call. My cousins, Kirsten and Micah, are currently pursuing adoption from the Foster Care System as well. They have been a great source of knowledge and support as we tried to decide if we were truly able to handle this process. You can view their blog at www.micahandkirsten.blogspot.com. One of my other cousins is adopted; she was my best friend throughout childhood and I cannot imagine what my life would have been like without her. Also, Ronnie's parents became Foster Parents during their "Empty Nest" phase, and they are in the process of adopting a beautiful young teenager who we already consider to be a part of the family. While witnessing these unselfish acts of love and after searching our own hearts, we have learned that no matter who we are or where we are in life, we are all children of God.

So here we are... pursuing Fertility Care and Adoption simultaneously. Crazy? Maybe. Hopeful? Always. We are trusting that God sees the bigger picture, so we know He will see us through this journey. Thank you all for coming alongside us as we travel through the unknown. No matter what happens, the Joy of the Lord will continue to be our Strength!

-Heather